#16: Awkwardly Long

Posted on July 29, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week we talk about what’s been going on during our hiatus. The word of the day is “tetrapyloctomy”. We also talk about Google Ass raping thousands of Youtubers, squid sperm, Missed Connections, retarded deaths, the invention of the food processor, and insulting Google’s greedy ass execs. Stay tuned for more updates!
NOnononoNONONOTES:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Website (finally!) and the end of a vehicular era,
– Baby Shower and the plague and the actual baby!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-tetrapyloctomy- The act of splitting a hair four ways

Riffle:

– Adsense and Google

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– Horrible Movies

Raffle:
-Mama’s day-Papa’s day

WTF;
– Spermy the Squid http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/squid-spermatophores-stuck-diner-mouth-202402937.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

I’m getting married! – w4m

Okay, I’m not getting married…but I’m with someone now and I think we’re going to be very happy together. I think this is it. Forever.

All right, we’re not really together so to speak, you know… boyfriend and girlfriend… but we’re very important to each other… best friends really.

Well, maybe not best friends. Maybe more like just really close to each other. Really tight.

And I do mean that — really tight, really close… but maybe not in the sense of “close friends” — maybe more like close… strangers. Tight and close together in a physical manner, more than an emotional sense. But you can’t deny the sparks that flew when we, as strangers, gazed longingly into each other’s eyes, right? It was so beautiful!

Okay, not so much gazed longingly as glanced appreciatively… but the attraction was undeniable, you have to agree.

All right, maybe glanced appreciatively doesn’t describe it either. But I’m fairly sure you caught a glimpse of my forehead in your peripheral vision. A passionate glimpse. And that’s an amazing connection.

So, maybe not a connection so much as a nervous assessment. But I believe that anxiety over what we have is only natural, given the astounding sexual tension. Couldn’t you feel it rattling between us?

Perhaps the rattling had something to do with the subway train, but I really felt one with you. One with you in the sense that we were so close, we were almost one person. Maybe my body swinging into yours as the train rounded a curve was a bit jarring… but only in a way that two universes colliding could be called “a bit jarring.” You didn’t have to move away from me… it’s natural, truly. But perhaps the raw chemistry between us was too much for you. Or it might have been the heel of my boot in the arch of your foot.

I feel we were meant to be…I know you. But I don’t really know you, so if you read this, Mr. Orange-Manhattan-Portage-Bag-and-Rust-Colored-Corduroy-Jacket-on-the-R-train, sorry about tromping on your foot and ramming my bag into your gut. But Love Hurts, right? Call me?

Giant Undies

I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5’4” and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only…no perverts.

Pls be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week ..

Hello gals of Mumbai and beyond I am looking for an obnoxious girlfriend for one week to restore my glee in being single.

Nowadays I find myself stuck horribly in situations where mostly everyone I know is either in one of those relationships or is happily hitched or is finally married. I was pleased and really contented to be single for the last year but now that I have been exposed to all these happy-happy people in relationships, I’m starting to wonder really big time if I need one too.

In my head, I know I don’t (actually I’m not sure.. hehe), but let’s make this solid with an experience. This is where you figure in. I need you around for one week in the role of an awful, dreadful, terrible girlfriend to renew my so-called glee in being single.

Sweetie my requirements of you:

* -You are decently attractive which means u can simply be the ordinary girl that we usually c around town. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a decently pretty girl who is nice to look at but a total b**** otherwise.

* -Be extremely needy and fully deprived of any attention. Pls ring me twenty seven times a day, always checking where the hell I am, checking out who the hell I’m with, checking out what the hell am I doing etc.

* -Have poor or for that matter zilch manners. When we decide to go out together, I want you to not use your tissue, tip damn poorly or not at all, etcetera etcetera

* -Stare at other guys when we’re out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.

* -Don’t listen one bit when I talk, and interrupt me nearly everytime

* -Wear hideously ugly n flashy clothes,

* -Have totally absurd and wildly inaccurate info n data n unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about freakin everything u say n do.

* -Flick or rob something of mine. I will set out one predefined thing or article that you must steal from my place under any circumstances.

* -Don’t be too bothered or upset when I end things after nearly a week (and part of this deal is that I (ME, MOI.. if u get what I mean) am the only one designated to break things off). You assume and also know for sure what you’re getting into and do not form any love or awkward bond.

After the bad week is gone we can either be pals and laugh hilariously about this, or we can pretend that we’ve never really met and ignore each other big time if we happen to meet in a public place.

So then. now u can ask me : What do you get out of this silly thingy?

At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am rich and well educated but still !). A stolen item (of my choosing). A good anecdote to tell people later. Contentment that you are also single. A super-duper chance to utter your malevolence. A dissatisfying rendezvous for both of us.

You’d be a total and absolute fool to pass up this grand opportunity! PS: I’m a nice guy … if i like u … i might just keep u 😉 Take ur chance , u neva know ….. nothing ventured – nothing gained!

Small Penis

You cannot trick me, Small Penis, into thinking you are large- by pounding away like a jackhammer. In fact, when you do this- I almost totally forget about you. I am more involved with the incessant slapping sounds of skin and flapping balls and trying to tune them out. You cannot shove and piledrive your way into my heart- bratty bullying will only make me notice you less.

Small Penis, rough fingers have tried and failed to supplement your smaller size by jamming, manhandling, and stretching my sensitive pussy in ways that make it want to barricade the door and lock down the shades.

It is true, Smally, that when I first saw you I did not get that certain rush of glee and pupil dilation that a giant cock will cause. I have small breasts- when I take off my shirt (I don’t even need a bra) I am sure I am not providing a moment that would be filmed in glorious slow motion with a soundtrack.

Small Penis, small tits are subtle. YOu can be too. You will never fill me in that “good lord YES” amusement part ride way- but, remember- that is one slice of the spectrum. If you wanted to, you could deploy in a proud and erotic way and get me off REAL GOOD multiple times. You could operate with finesse instead of screaming to be noticed.

If you could just calm down and stop the monotonous pounding, you might notice that I can ride you, squeeze you, and stroke you with my pussy. Everytime I get on top and try I soon find hands around my waste frantically lifting me up and down and all I am thinking is oh here we go again…what’s that crockpot recipe??

Small Penis, it’s time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.)

Think of yourself as an artist’s tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am loving it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated.

Riff to the Raff:
– Retarded Deaths

GET FRENCHED:
– Food processor by Pierre Verdun between 1963 and 1971.

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Google. Just because you own the world doesn’t mean you can control the populace. Well ok it does, but just remember with tyranny comes rebellion, mother fuckers. While Larry Page and Sergey Brin are buttfucking each other on their bed of money and gold, hardworking Americans trying to make a living through creativity are going to sneak into your headquarters and shit in your processors just like when you take a dump on our chests after providing you with money making content. By the way, I finally found out what Google stands for… Gay Oppressive Overlords Grinding Leprous Erections. Yes I am that spiteful…. BITCH. Oh and one more thing before you have your company wide skat orgy for the most elite… FUCK YOU!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Hangin’ By The Giant Vein” JONES:

-Website
-Newgrounds
-Twitter

JOSH “Boob Blood Bath” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
hooty hoo!

#14: You Won’t Like Him When He’s Angry

Posted on May 21, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week, the word of the day is “Mytacism”. We have an rare sighting of the enraged Jerry Jones, we talk about Facebook stock, “The Dictator”, cupcake sausages, a post-op beauty pageant contestant, and we insult every person in the world!

You want notes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE NOTES!!! Fine you can have them…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– no time for shit!
– Tropico 4

WORD OF THE DAY:

-mytacism- The incorrect or excessive use of the letter M

Riffle:

– Facebook Stock

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “The Dictator” What the fuck is wrong with you Sascha Baron Cohen!?

Raffle:

– Over agressive-ness

WTF;
– Cupcake Turds http://www.geekologie.com/2012/05/cupcakewurst-grillable-cupcakes-in-sausa.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters – m4w

You! Slim, with the black hair We had the whole floor of the law library (now apparently being renovated) to ourselves. It was late at night, we were both stealing glances at each other. We got around to talking at last, and I asked you if you were going to be studying all night. “Oh yes, all night,” you said, pausing to smile invitingly before you added, “At least, that’s the plan…” There were plenty of empty, dark rooms, offering stupid amounts of fooling-around possibilities to us. But you ended up being too scared to go beyond anything but the blind under-the-table groping, constantly scanning the area as if some unseen (possibly Catholic?) authority figure was going to leap upon us–“Fornicators!”–and, I don’t know, lock us in a frightening gun store bondage basement to be sodomized (which would seemingly contradict the whole Catholic impression I first had). Anyway, for some reason, the countless shadowed nooks and crannies we could have been cavorting in seemed less favorable to you than our table in the middle of the room, devoid of any cover whatsoever. Maybe you were afraid I would murder you or something? Whatever. The building closed. I left frustrated that we had come so close to a possibly fulfilling impromptu encounter.

And you! Really hot blonde in the PCL lab that one night! We made out for a minute or two, I got handfuls of your great ass through your tights. We heard somebody coming around the corner, broke apart, waited for them to pass. After that you seemed to lose your nerve, even though we were literally standing right in front of an empty room no one had any reason to enter! You were convinced that somebody would walk in on us. So our encounter, which had only just been starting to get really hot, came to an abrupt and lame “separate-ways” ending. I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God. Against all the world. It could have been so good.

And goddamn you, gorgeous short-haired brunette with the Death From Above 1979 tote bag and great taste in music who I ran into in the Union. The place was practically dead, and those bathroom stalls on the third floor are impossibly clean! I tried to explain this to you, but you, too, lacked the courage, convinced that we would be heard.

Please UT girls. I like private home-made sex as much as anybody, but these opportunities are rare goddamned semi-public-sex unicorns. They will not roam the halls of the retirement home you will eventually inhabit once your children have back-stabbed you and imprisoned you there. By then you will be drooling and possibly rambling about the time uncle Jo left all the cat food out and the cat ate too much of it and my it smelled awful in that house for days until the cat finally died and a wild “ky-oat” or summit dragged the carcass into the forest one night and oh are you my husband?

Just make this semester a little more exciting.

Taxidermied hamsters for sale

I have a family of taxidemied hamsters for sale. They are perfect for the kid who wants a hamster but you know damn well won’t take care of them. Just buy a cage, pose them in it and tell the kids to enjoy. If the kids ask why they aren’t moving just explain to them that happy hamsters keep still. These hamsters were originally bought with love and taken care of very well. Then, as is usually the case with my little ba**** kid, he lost interest and kept forgetting to feed them. One by one they dropped off. I couldn’t bear to flush these cute things down the toilet so I bought a taxidermy kit and stuffed them. The best part about these guys is that they won’t soil the cage or cost anything in food! They’ll just give hours of pleasure like live hamsters. Call or e-mail me with an offer so that you can begin your new life as a hamster owner! [number deleted]

Thanks,
Joe “Buzzy”

Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work…

Ok, I get it. You had to rub one out. I know the feeling. Maybe it was thinking about that totally hot little minx in purchasing that got you going. Or you got some steamy email from your wife. Whatever it was, you just needed a little release. We’ve all been there my friend.

But if I may be so bold as to offer a few tips?

1. Location Location Location – Maybe it was the bathroom closest to your desk. Maybe it has bigger stalls for more elbow room. But whatever the reason, the bathroom just off the factory floor is not your best choice. It is huge for a reason. There are about 80-90 workers on that factory floor at all times, plus about 30-40 office workers, and there’s almost always at least one person who needs to take a squirt.

2. Silence is Golden – While we all might empathize with your situation, NO ONE WANTS YOU HEAR YOU SLAP YOUR SALAMI!! And we certainly don’t want to hear the gentle grunts you were letting out. It was like being forced to listen to the audio of a bad gay porn soundtrack, minus the cheesy Casio keyboard jazz/funk fusion music. Keep it down, will ya?

3. Ms Manners says… – Ok, so you had a poor choice in bathrooms and you are just naturally loud. Even elemental problems such as these can be overcome by following rule #3. When someone comes into the bathroom….STOP!!! Seriously, I’d think that would be the easiest rule to follow. Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn’t that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

4. Good fences make good neighbors – This is the most important rule of all. If you have been caught rubbing one out in the men’s room, do not, under any circumstances, come out of your stall until all affected parties have left the bathroom. I’m never going to be able to get the picture out of my head of you going over to the sink right next to the one I was at, and looking at me in your mirror with a big contented smile while you’re washing your hands.

They don’t make a body soap strong enough for the ick I felt after that. No amount of showering tonight will do it I’m afraid.

Oh no fatty. That food’s not for you.

Hey fatbottom, don’t think I don’t see you coveting the kitten’s rich tasty kitten food. So knock it off, cause you ain’t getting any.

You can hatch evil plans to acquire the tasty food all you want, but let me remind you, you’re a cat, and your strategies have been at best dismal failures. Let’s refresh, shall we?

You headbutted the kitten away from her food. This was your best strategy to date, and you actually got to snarf down some of good stuff until I caught you, and you were greeted by your arch nemesis, Captain Squirtgun and his sidekick Lieutenant My-Foot-To-Yo-Fat-Ass. Me 1, Tubbins 0

Brute Force no longer an option, you decided to go stealth ops. Lurk, waiting for the kitten to wander, then you swoop in on a high speed raid. That didn’t work out so well for you either did it? Why not? Cause at 20 something lbs, you don’t ‘swoop’ very stealthy. There’s a reason Possums hunt at night- because they’d starve otherwise… just like you’re doing now. Me 2, Sumo-cat 0

Taking no chances and sick of having to guard the kitten bowl until she was done, I decided kitten gets to eat up on the counter. You hate that more than anything don’t you? I can just see the resentment in your pudgy face. Why does she get to eat steak up there, when I’m eating compressed dust down here? Because I know you can’t get up to the counter without a loud distinctive grunt and making a calamity trying to wiggle your raccoon-ass between the wall and the toaster. Me 3, Fatty 0.

Clearly I own you. In all senses of the word. You really ought to just get used to the Vet’s prescribed food. You’re gonna be eating it for at least a decade, which is forever as far as you’re concerned.

Riff to the Raff:
– Would you think she’s hot? http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/trangendered-miss-universe-canada-contestant-takes-stage-172200662.html

GET FRENCHED:
– Modern dentistry by Pierre Fauchard

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… everyone! I fucking hate you all.

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Baby Back Ribs” JONES:

JOSH “Burnt Cracker” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#13: Ass Men

Posted on May 12, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week the word of the day is “Witzesuct”. We talk about Mother’s day, smelling your own farts, a robotic ass, breast feeding, the metric system and we insult “smart” people!

Mmmm… I want dem notes…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Air repair, ANIMATORS!!!!!
– Asian drivers (not ) breaking stereotypes!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-witzelsucht- A feeble attempt at humor

Riffle:

– Mother’s Day

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– DAYUM Blizzard, you scary! http://us.blizzard.com/en-us/games/d3/?int

Raffle:

– smelling your own farts… vintage 1988

WTF:

-Robotic… ASS?! http://on.msnbc.com/JLnmQm

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Ugly Llama

I have an ugly llama that needs a new home. He’s a gelded male, somewhere between 5-10 years old, recently de-wormed, hoof-trimmed, sheared and vaccinated. His name is “Nash,” and I rescued him from a pretty bad situation.

He’s knock-kneed, he has a terrible haircut from recently shaved-off burdocks and mats, and his face is disfigured from an embedded halter wound. He’s very hard to catch, impossible to lead, and just barely able to be pushed on and off of a trailer (we’re working on these things). However, he has never once tried to spit, kick or bite, and is starting to accept petting. He will eat grain from your hand, and although shy, seems to want to make friends. The vet says he’s healthy now. He makes no noise except for quiet, lonely hum-hoots, which sound like someone is blowing into a dusty trumpet.

Llamas are sensitive to copper, so they can’t have most horse feeds/minerals, but are fine with hay/pasture and goat vitamins. They get along fine with most animals…

…just not my horse. My old Tennessee Walker is apparently a vicious southern racist who wants to rip Nash’s little brown South American face off. I tried to sign my horse up for sensitivity training, but things just aren’t working out. Thus, Nash needs a new home.

If you’ve read all THAT, and are STILL interested in adopting an ugly llama, I know you have a good heart. Nash needs someone like you; he’s had a rough life and deserves a really nice home. A farm visit and vet references will be required– I need to know he’s going to be well taken care of. Please call Laura at 608-225-7045 or email the above address.

To the person who has my Ikea dresser…

I’m sorry to have to post this, but a horrible mistake was made. When you picked up the dresser I was not at home. My roommate was supposed to make sure that my ferrets were put away, but…
Bottom line, my two ferrets are in separate drawers of the dresser. They should be okay, but I wanted to warn you not to take them both out at the same time.
They were rescues… and I was never able to socialize them.
They not only fight, but actively plot each other’s demise.
Otherwise – they’re perfectly fine!
Please call or email when you read this.
*sorry for the inconvenience

Sex and Periods.

Date: 2010-02-21, 11:51AM CST

Ahhh, Sunday morning – my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I’m sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life’s wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig’s Online Hook-Up Service.

But, lately, I’ve been having a problem with periods. Yeah, periods. Now, normally ‘periods’ and ‘sex’ are not something that most people want to talk about – at least NOT in the same sentence – but I think that the time has come for us to open up, and to admit that maybe there IS a place where periods and sex can coexist. Take the following post, for example:

“lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck”

This sounds great…doesn’t it? (I’m hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she’s too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can’t use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It’s natural; it’s normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it’s just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can’t go together.

I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I’ll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)…anytime. Period.

I grabbed your boobs on Sunset

Saturday night, I was out with my buddies walking around on Sunset, going from bar to bar, club to club, etc. You were, presumably, with your girlfriends. As we neared each other, none of us made eye contact. It’s as though we were trying not to look at each other. I sure as hell was.

But because of this, I wasn’t looking where I was going either, and tripped on a crack in the pavement and tripped, falling forward, right as you were passing by. My arms flailed about and tried to grab the nearest sturdy thing to steady myself. That nearest thing ended up being your rack.

Unfortunately, your breasts weren’t steady nor sturdy enough, so I kept falling. Along the way, your shirt and bra were torn off in the process. Your knockers, exposed to the night air, bounced with delight and glee.

Almost immediately, you came down upon me, fists rained down hellfire the likes of which I’ve never experienced. Your friends quickly joined in, pummeling me, while my own friends stood back and watched, giggling gayly as if their kindergarten classmate had just poohed his pants during recess.

It was when you were pepper spraying the shit out of me that we locked eyes for a moment. It was incredibly painful to keep my eyes open, due to the intense sting from the pepper spray, but I noticed how goddamn gorgeous your blue eyes were, and I think I noticed a moment of hesitation, almost admiration, perhaps. A hint of a smile formed on your face, and for a second, I thought you were going to kiss me, but then you head-butted me directly into the sidewalk, rendering me unconscious.

This, however, did not stop you from kicking me in the side, spitting on my face and stealing my wallet, while, yes, you were there, you know, my friends continued laughing and whooping it up like a bunch of drunken rednecks at a hoedown.

I had hoped to find your phone number scratched into my chest, along with the many other scratches from your fingernails, but alas, when I came to, nothing. Just blood and a few scattered teeth.

I sincerely hope you read this message because I think we had a connection, you and I. I want to see where this might lead. As long as it’s not the ICU again.

Riff to the Raff:
– Best Breast alone http://yhoo.it/M5oJgR

GET FRENCHED:
– Metric system

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… “Smart” People
I really just love how you think that everything you say is correct and everything I say must be wrong in some way, shape, form, or fashion. It sickens me to think about how much time you spend arguing useless trivial facts because you think you know better and that God, Nature or some strange amalgamation of the two made you the amazing lexicon that you are. Why don’t you and your useless knowledge of the most minute facets of the universe just go and fuck yourself sideways. Better yet go and find every book and encyclopedia you can get your masturbation callused hands on and live in a cave eating mushrooms and leave the rest of the world in peace, and blissful “ignorance”. Since you are SO smart I probably won’t need to spell this out, but if I do you will just correct what I say anyway… but I digress you asshole… FUCK YOU!!!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Delicious Diva” JONES:

JOSH “Pencil Prick” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#12: The Transvestite Soliloquies

Posted on May 5, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week the word of the day is “borborygmus”. Jerry serenades Josh after missing last week’s word, Taking a lightning strike to the balls, if we could live without money and technology, the Disney movie “Wreck it Ralph”, licking a monkey’s ass, Mantyhose, drunk spray, and we insult flamboyant gay people!

Silly Rabbit… Notes are for kids!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Done with education, failed robbery
– HOT AS SHIT! New glasses

JERRY SINGS!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-borborygmus- The rumbling sound of gas passing through the intestine
Riffle:

– Lightning to balls

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Wreck it Ralph” http://yhoo.it/JZVGL6

Raffle:

– Living without money/Technology

WTF:

– Lick my Hairy ass! http://now.msn.com/now/0503-licking-monkey-butt.aspx

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Death Ray – Once in a lifetime opportunity!

Date: 2008-12-07, 12:10AM EST

This is a genuine Death Ray, aka home made solar oven. This thing is badass. You know how the economy’s been sucking? Well, burn up your least favorite politicians in a fiery ray of destruction and cook your dinner with the same device. Slick, eh? Since there’s a good chance, because a.) you’re reading Craigslist and b.) you’re reading the Northern Michigan section – that you’re homeless or close to becoming so, this is the perfect oven for you–it requires no electricity, and flip it over (it’s shaped like a parabola) and use it as a house.

With this Death Ray, lovingly handmade from refrigerator boxes and $30 worth of tinfoil, you could literally cook your Christmas ham and all the sides–at the same time. At over four feet tall and approximately six feet wide (when assembled) the Death Ray is sure to fill all of your cooking, living, and vaporizing needs.

Hurry to catch this special offer, as it won’t last long! Ask me with questions and for more pictures, if so desired. Please, serious offers only.

It even comes with a cardboard base so you can move it around to follow the sun’s rays. This beast was made for a physics class and got an A, but now the owner (that’s me) is tired of seeing it. It originally took three of us several weeks of intense cardboard-cutting, measuring, and tinfoil-wrapping to produce this thing. All measurements are present and correct. those sunrays will dive ecstatically to one white-hot point of heat about six inches from the bottom of the parabola.
It’s fully functional. It seemed a shame to just throw it away, not when there’s a buttload of valuable tinfoil on it. If nothing else, putting this shining Death Ray in your living room would be a powerful conversation starter.

It is made of twelve tinfoil-covered cardboard panels, three each taped into four larger panels. To put it all the way together, grab some duct tape and a friend and spend a few quality minutes wrestling the pieces into an appropriate cone. Flip it upright, plop it on the cardboard stand, and you’re ready to cook–or maybe, destruct!

Pick-up only. A normal car should be able to transport it, unassembled, although a spaceship might be more appropriate. And, in case you missed it further up, serious enquiries only. I know a genuine Death Ray is wont to make readers quite excitable, but save for congratulating me on my superior mental acuity or offering to take the lovely Death Ray off my hands, please refrain from pointless messages. I’m a busy woman. I’m currently working on the Death Ray 2–Earth Destroyer.

New Period Underwear!

Date: 2007-05-31, 7:03PM EDT

Today, I turned a perfectly good pair of panties into Period Underwear. I hate when that happens. Men may not know what Period Underwear are. I shall explain and enlighten. Period Underwear are what chicks wear when (surprise!) they’re on their period. NOTE: they start out as panties, but morph into underwear – PERIOD underwear. A few things can turn panties into Period Underwear. Here are some examples:

1. You’re wearing a capable pair of panties and the Monkey Gets a Nosebleed. It leaves an awful stain on the panties, which USUALLY can’t be removed, rendering them Period Underwear

2. They’re older panties, no longer favorites and you’d never wear them if there was a possibility you were getting laid, so you feel comfortable wearing them when Aunt Flo Comes to Visit, demoting them to Period Underwear status

3. They’re granny panties, you can’t remember why you have them and you pretty much only wear them when you’re home sick, or just plain suffering from the pain and bloat of being OTR because they’re really comfy and never ride up so they’re by default Period Underwear

4. These are nice panties, something you’ll wear even if you’re NOT Surfing the Crimson Flow and you’re not at all afraid to be seen in them but they’re dark colored (black, navy, red), thereby making them both Non-Period Panties and Period Underwear

That should do it! So men, now you know one of our dirty little secrets. If you see us in items #1 – #3, consider it notice that George is in Town. How you handle that knowledge is your affair, I’m just here to give you the low-down. If you see us in item #4, things could go either way, proceed as you wish.

Ladies, as one of THOSE commercials says, Have a Happy Period!

Your Life is Imperfect, and It’s All My Fault

Date: 2007-07-03, 4:07PM EDT

As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But I’ve failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me.

You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel.

It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America.

I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules.

And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in the 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service.

And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day.

So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.

Riff to the Raff:
– Mantyhose & Guy Gowns http://living.msn.com/style-beauty/simply-chic-blog-post/?post=621d0363-3e25-4ecc-bfc0-107f09b5e324

GET FRENCHED:
– Get Drunk Spray! http://yhoo.it/Ko1tv5

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Unnecessarily flamboyant gay people!

First thing I have to say to you… SHUT THE FUCK UP! I KNOW you’re gay. you don’t have to flaunt it. Talking like a valley girl with a speech impediment does not just happen after you step out of your cum stained closet. Talk like you’ve always talked before. I don’t care if daddy doesn’t love you anymore. You are not rebelling by dressing in lady clothes, you’re just obnoxiously pointing out something that no one else cares about. Not to mention we probably already knew about your little secret after that time you sucked the substitute teacher’s dick in the janitor’s closet. So go ahead and keep up your bible camp shenanigans, just act like a normal douche and be done with it. All in all… FUCK YOU!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Laughing Cow” JONES:

JOSH “Swampy Ass” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#11: Bubble Bum

Posted on April 28, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week special guest Casey Tigue joins us on the show! The word of the day is “lalochezia” (Jerry did not say it in compliance with the rules). We talk about Dick Clark, on the new segment Media Moneyshot we mention “Ted” the movie, Civil Suits, Real life barbie, how we would steal the crown jewels, how the French invented Codeine, and we insult people who take things way too seriously!

AHHHHHH NOTES!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Utter Laziness
– Research, caffeine withdrawals
– Casey has nothing to talk about!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– lalochezia-The use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain

Riffle:

– Dick Clark

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Ted” http://www.tedisreal.com/

Raffle:

– Civil Suits

WTF:

– Real Life Barbie
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/real-life-barbie-stirs-debate-over-cosmetic-surgery-155921833.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinking in public – m4w

Date: 2008-06-01, 4:46PM CDT

We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn’t even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it’s not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn’t have to go if I don’t want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you’re being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We’d have to go dutch since I’ll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don’t suspect you’ll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing “stella” with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It’d be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY

Date: 2008-04-19, 2:10PM EDT

For the longest time, I have admired the dynamic between this cross species couple. But then, sometime during the 80s, a commercial for the Muppets: Live on Stage added a new dimension. In it, a stretch limousine was pulling up in front of a theater. A footman opened the door, and a shapely, rather thick leg stepped onto the red carpet. As the rest of the form followed, it was revealed that it belonged to a woman wearing a full bodied Miss Piggy costume under an alluring evening dress. AND I WANTED HER. And, to be quite honest, I’ve never stopped.

Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows � for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask.

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick – m4w

Date: 2007-12-15, 9:31PM PST

I want to fuck a peroxide-blonde richbitch daddy’s girl. I want to fuck a hotter, younger, stupider (if possible) version of Ann Coulter. You preferably grew up on Mercer Island and had your 16th birthday shown on “My Super Sweet 16.” It’s okay if you’re only a republican because your parents are and you don’t even know how many houses Congress has. At the very least I want to fuck a girl who wears a cross and thinks the Iraq War is a great idea.

I’m am a skinny-jean wearing hipster who goes to Evergreen, supports Dennis Kucinich and only listens to mix tapes of obscure 70’s pop.
I am sick of cool, interesting girls who are more likely to make out with other girls than me.

I want the most bland, insipid cockgobbler on this side of the Cascades. I’ve always wanted to blow my load in your lip-glossed, bubble-gum chewing mouth, but class, social groups and a sense of morality have prevented me.

Your pictures get my smarmy pretension.

We met over a steaming pile of turds. . .

Date: 2007-07-27, 3:26PM EDT

Me- I was picking up my dog’s shit, following the law, minding my own business.

You- old woman who looked like a broomstick with a bad weave- who said to me mid-scoop “you shouldn’t let your dog do that (poop), he should do it over there (points to middle of street)”

I just wanted to say I should’ve gotten your phone number, but I was just too angry to ask. You see, I felt a real connection between us. The audacity of an old bag to yell at my (4 pound puppy nonetheless) dog for shitting, having the shit picked up and then properly thrown away, overwhelmed me with rage. And I like to surround myself with petty, trite people that fill me with rage. My shrink says it’s ‘constructive.’

So how about this, give me your number and the next time my dog needs to take a shit I’ll drop you a line, come over, and let him shit in your wrinkled crusty mouth.

then coffee?

Riff to the Raff:
– how to be a cat burglar

GET FRENCHED:
– Codeine first isolated in 1832 by Pierre Robiquet

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… people who take things way too seriously. Why don’t you go jump off a cliff you stupid cunts, and while you’re on your descent try and find your sense of humor on the way down. It would be nice to be able to tell a joke once in a while, but then you, and your easily offended asshole come waltzing in… killing my buzz and cock blockin my jokes. It’s called Sarcasm, genius. Just like when your mother says that she loves you. She should have shaken you as an infant. So the next time start to furrow your brow while everyone else in the room is laughing, go out to a garbage dump and crush your “funny bones” in a trash compactor. In case you haven’t gotten it yet… The jokes on you! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Casey-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Cunnalingus” JONES:

CASEY “Pineapple Dick” TIGUE:
@theunderscorewizfish

JOSH “Pasty Pants” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#10: Vending Happiness

Posted on April 21, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week we return from Spring Break to some awesome Uncivilized Behavior, including new segments and special guest, Vendy, while we hunt for a new third host! In this episode, the word of the day is “Pandiculation”, we talk about weird music moods, a dead uncle, diet soda, venture capitalism, lickable wallpaper, screaming like a bitch, getting older and we insult fan girls!

NOTES!!!!
UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Dryer Repair!, going national?
– Birfday
– Abortion/Periods

JOSH SINGS?

WORD OF THE DAY:

– pandiculation- Stretching and yawning before going to bed or after waking up

Riffle:

– Weird Music Moods
– Fan Girl Story
– Death of a loved one

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

–
–
–
–
–

Raffle:

– Ditching diet soda
– Newgrounds, Venture Capitalism, indie VS Corporate
– Siren

WTF:

– Lickable Wallpaper http://www.geekologie.com/2012/04/spreading-disease-cookie-flavored-lickab.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:
Seeking pious individuals for the coming rapture on May 22nd, 2011 – m4mw

Date: 2011-05-10, 7:43AM CDT

I am an atheist seeking friends who are pious and who will be wisked away for the rapture that kirk cameron says is coming may 22nd 2011. I will take care of your pets while you are gone. I am a very kind and loving person who loves animals. Also i get to keep all your stuff because you won’t need them as you will be in rapturous bliss basking in the love of the great creator. I, however, will need your stuff since I will be trapped here on earth with all the rest of the unclean, deniers, and cravens. I will probably try to barter all your worldly possessions for guns or food or maybe women. Unless you have a truck and a cowcatcher. I will keep those and make a killmobile which will greatly increase my chances for survival in a world with no rules and no god.

no weirdos please.

Time Travel

Date: 2010-09-24, 10:09AM MDT

I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m

Date: 2012-04-09, 3:41PM CDT

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.
You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.

Lost Shark

Date: 2012-03-13, 8:53PM PDT

Lost my shark today. Actually he escaped when I inadvertently gave him an opportunity. Had the back door open to cool the place off while he was hanging around. Made the mistake of opening the front door briefly and he shot out the back door. Tried to catch him while he swirled in a vortex above the deck, but the strong winds took through the trees and north. Last seen gaining altitude in a 20 knot breeze heading north of Ballard. Neighbors looked perplexed as he flew over their house. If you find him warm him up so he doesn’t sink. It was quite the sad sight to see him get smaller and smaller as he blew away to the north.

I am black lady in naperville need help from racist terrorists

Date: 2012-03-13, 4:17PM CDT

I am black lady in naperville, illinois 60540 being bullied and assaulted by racists terrorists. I am looking for a bodyguard help me to fight them.

— I have found out what is happening to me and somewhat why. It seems that someone reported me to authorities as a threat and they have been using big brother bully tactics to snoop, pry and spy on me. However, they came up with nothing and went away empty. However, they left me and my life in complete turmoil. Now, at this point I seeking litigation rather than a bodyguard. I lost my job and I even found evidence of a spycam in my apt. I could not find it physically but I did detect the bluetooth address; i have copy of printscreen, smart huh? and traced it to Samsung. Naperville knew about this and did not help me. in fact, I was left for dead because I had od’d on medicine and they knew it and did not give treatment. I wish someone with some power could help me … I am willing to go to a news media with story if they can figure out entire epsisode for me. They put out some comprising pictures of me to provoke me into doing something stupid so they could arrest me for something and save face. The day in question the fbi, tsa and a lot of ppl was there and I am only one lonely black lady living in an all white community. I lost my job at DirecTV and I need help!!!!!!! I have no one to turn too!!!

Does President Obama know that americans are being attacked by and destroyed by the government? How do I get my story to him? I do not have any help yet and I fear for my life from his cabinet of elected officials. How can I get the word to him? before it is too late?

PS: IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME YOU KNOW WHERE TO START!!! I LIVE IN NAPERVILLE, IL 60540 MY NAME IS ERICA — I AM HORRIFICALLY TERRIFIED FOR MY LIFE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY SCREWED UP.

Riff to the Raff:
– Bitch screams (babeh?)
– Getting younger?
– Getting Older?

GET FRENCHED:
– Neon lighting- Georges Claude 1910…

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… Fangirls

Fuck you and your incessant NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sounds as you proclaim your love and/or obsession to your chosen object of affection. While you probable 13 year old girls stand right next to your TV and rub your nipples in your fantasy boyfriend’s mouth, I’m outside living in reality. Go to your room and rip down all of your vampire knight posters (DON’T STOP TO HUMP YOUR OTAKU PILLOW!) then change your hentai vagina juice stained panties that you’ve kept on for a week, then go get some real friends. If you don’t stop your bullshit, I will stick pocky into every orifice of your body until you bleed every ounce of your ramune tainted blood onto the floor. In short…. FUUUUUUCCCCCKK YOU!

PREDICTIONS BY PRICKS:
Jerry-
Josh-
Vendy- Raptor Jesus will thrust from the ground and eat the legs of Arnold Schwarna- however the hell you say that German name, fuck it.

Plugs :

JERRY “Surely diseased” JONES

VENDY “Might be a Nazi” MACHINE:

JOSH “Fire Crotch” MUSSER:

-Google +
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Fiverr
-Email
-iTunes
-Website
-Donate
-Tell Your Friends!
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

Spring Break!

Posted on March 24, 2012 by Josh Musser

Hey you sons o’ bitches!

As you may have noticed, we haven’t put something new out for a few weeks. Just letting you know, we’re still here! We’re taking a spring break as some of us have vacations and such things going on. You can still feel free to contact us and check out our social pages to keep up to date. We check those everyday! We’ll let you know when we’re recording the next episode!

Peace Mofos!

#9: On A Soapbox

Posted on March 4, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week on UB: One of our personal favorites to date! Our word of the day is “floccinaucinihilipilification”. We talk about personal space, secret farts, fecal implants, violent math, weird things during puberty, drunk stories and porn names. We also insult teenage female wiggers!

NNNNnnnnnotes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

Dem Weeks… How Were They?:

– Fiverr & Test taking
– Reading to midgets and Girly screams
– Fiverr and Bill Fuckin Murray!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– floccinaucinihilipilification- The act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant.

RIFFIE RAFFIE:

– Talking to strangers, getting inside of their space
– Crazy man hobo Beards
– Secret Farts

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– Chew the scrotum off of a bloated dead man who died of a severe case of infentego of the crotch
OR
Lick Michael Moore’s ass crack while he clenches his butt cheeks after running up the stairs due to an abrupt case of food poisoning. Your tongue must go in deep enough to reach the anus.

– Get thrown into a small box truck along with 10 overly aggressive wolverines and have the door shut on you

fight a kodiak bear in the pitch dark, however you have places to hide… if you can get to them and if he doesn’t find you.

– Get stripped naked then eaten whole by Rosie O’Donell, after 15 minutes of fighting your way through her digestive systems, you make it out and into her fermented womb from which you will be birthed slowly
OR
be thrown into a pit of fat old hairy men greased and naked while they writhe erotically.

– Cut open the webbing between your fingers and toes with a thin, but jagged razor, then fill each wound with rock salt until the skin bulges
OR
spray liquid hydrogen into your ears crotch and other appendages.

– Drink a gallon of freshly microwaved pig sperm
OR
drink a gallon of gritty and slightly thick dihareea

RIFF TO THE RAFF:

– Other peoples colored poop poop out of my belly button No bastard Fundraiser Fucks( anger ensues)
– Things that feel good on accident
– Fecal Implants

WTF:

– Violent Math Questions: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/teacher-fired-assigning-violent-math-problems-third-graders-201910368.html;_ylt=ArXUzpCY7PzZACMV7ptVDgztiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTNxYWJpdjNpBG1pdANUb3BTdG9yeSBPZGRVU1NGBHBrZwM5ZmM4ZWYxNS0wMDVlLTMxMjItYjg1YS1mZTdkYmMzZjUxOTQEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3RvcF9zdG9yeQR2ZXIDNDRhMDkxMTMtNjRiNC0xMWUxLWI1ZjYtNmVkYTJiMDQ3MmRk;_ylg=X3oDMTIwdWJsZnJ1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANob21lfG9kZG5ld3MEcHQDc2VjdGlvbnMEdGVzdAM-;_ylv=3

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

seeking menstruating short-term friend – w4w

Date: 2009-08-28, 7:00PM PDT

Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I’m not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women’s cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or… maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who’re also menstruatin’, bring them too.

And I know it’s hot, so I’m offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat.

Cabana Boy NEEDED – Start ASAP

Date: 2009-05-22, 2:45PM PDT

In general… on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun…

Job Duties and Requirements:

-Must be able to operate a blender
-Must be experience with working iPod’s
-Good with oil and sunscreen
-Must wear uniform
-Must enjoy sun and water
-Hand grape feedings necessary
-Be willing work at moments notice

This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies’ company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don’t be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

I LOST PANCAKES 😦

Date: 2009-08-25, 3:06PM PDT

I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.

Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN 🙂

I need your eyesore, please help

Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT

I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge piece of rusted heavy equipment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help each other out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old piece of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeakes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station – m4w

Date: 2009-07-30, 9:56AM PDT

First of all, I’m sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can’t just walk up on you like that.

I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I’d had the time to admire you just a little longer.

The way you screamed at me, I can tell you’re a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can’t be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman.

Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn’t even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You’re a real lady.

In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.)

Come on by and we’ll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!)

Porn laptop

Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it’s a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don’t need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I’m pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn’t type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it’s not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

RAFF RIFF:
– Weird things you did while in puberty
– Puk gt stoereies (yeeqh baby)
– Drunk stories

– Porn names

GET FRENCHED:
– Mayonnaise

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… Teenage female Wiggers. You stupid cunts. I think its funny you are a step down from a regular dipshit wigger. You are a reflection of the thing you think is awesome. You…. think… wiggers… are awesome. Worthless. You walk around acting black, your hard and you know what its like to be in the ghetto. I know and everyone else knows a sister would beat the crap out of you. At least white trash is its own kind of crazy. Wiggers are paper tigers. Ferocious in thought, but reality can be torn apart with ease. You are the weak and deserve to be tied to the ground, covered with honey and left to be eaten by carpenter ants. Your speech and your face make me want to punch a baby. I really just hate people who have no personality or character in general, which would be you unoriginal, uncultured, unconnected, retarded, dickless, pompous piece of shit. in summary…. FUCK YOU!

Predictions fuck head:

Plugs fuck:

Jerry “Free Form” Jones

Thoren “Thick Chode” Moran:

JOSH “the man pleasing” MUSSER:

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Outro:
Extra Toppings

#8: Fundraiser 2012 – UB “Diggin’ Deep”

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week marks Golden Pipes Entertainment’s first annual fundraiser event for all of the shows! You’ll notice this is a very raw recording of the full 5 hours of our live fundraiser so don’t expect all the fancy bells and whistles and organization of usual. Also, enjoy the Voice Acting Radio episode that happens toward the beginning! You can find more of that show on voiceactingradio.com! A big thanks to all of those who showed up and supported us! This episode of UB has all of the classic segments plus gives birth to a couple of new ideas to try on the show. Enjoy!

UB’s Notes… HAND OFF!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

Intro

WORD OF THE DAY:

– qualtagh- The first person you see after leaving your house

RIFFITY RAFFITY

– Times in your life where you get screwed in every way (we don’t mean rape though… or do we?)… Yes we do. As a matter of fact, rape is the only way.
– Road Work

– your week

Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– Be dragged by a truck through a large field covered in broken glass, used needles, and salt
OR have your limbs chewed off (at the shoulders and hips) by an albino coyote that has only three good teeth.

– Be killed by being thrown out of a plane at 30,000 feet with no parachute OR by being drowned in a body of water by having weights attached to your ankles and your hands bound

– Have your fingers and toes broken slowly one at a time by twisting them counter-clockwise with a pair of pliers OR have all pierce-able parts of your body (penis included) be pierced at least twice by a large hairy clumsy man named Betty

– Perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on a mountain man with wildly overgrown and undergroomed facial hair and has never used a dental hygiene product in his life, thus giving him an acute case of gingivitis and halitosis as well as causing some of his rotten putrid teeth to come off in your mouth whilst you are performing said “kiss of life” OR have 5 equally disgusting individuals take turns covering you in whatever bodily secretion they can muster up from their bodies (any kind of secretion)

– Be forced to lance a huge festering boil off of the ass of your very aged grandpa that wears diapers and has lost the ability to clean himself and make sure to get every last chunky, slimy, bloody, odoriferous piece of infested flesh and pus with your bare hands (no gloves or gauze allowed) OR Drink a pint of the foulest, most disgusting juices, and materials that have accumulated in a busy city hospital (this includes saliva samples, feces, urine, blood and any other things produced on or in a human body) the contents of the pint have not been sterilized and have aged for one month so that all the contents have coagulated together to form a bubbling mass that smells like a mixture of sweaty feet and a fully occupied nursing home.

MORE RIFFING THE RAFF:

– Running out of Helium
– The supernatural?
– death by helium

WTF:

– Because we don’t do enough for the ladies

http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/for-the-ladies-artlashes-laser-cut-paper.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

I Need a Harpoon

Date: 2009-10-29, 10:18AM PDT

In the spirit of forsaking the mutually sexist paradigm of sexy Halloween costumes, I have decided to be an Eskimo. I am fully aware that I have traded a sexually offensive concept for a potentially racially charged one, but I’m half native, so I figure it’s like black people saying the N-word. Right? Right.

I’m tired of seeing 8 year old reflections of my former self wandering around rainy old Stumptown on a holiday asking for candy while wearing a Fifteenth generation power rangers costume. It makes this Eskimo very sad and want to shelter him with my parka.

My own personal conflicts (which are many) aside, I require a harpoon for the ensemble. I have tried to fashion one, but the craftiness of my ancestors got lost somewhere, probably in a smallpox blanket. Said blanket will make me very dead and I have some parties I’d like to attend this weekend before that happens.

So, I am willing to drive my meager transportation to your corner of Portland or vicinity and pick up your cumbersome, bulky, takes-up-all-the-patio-space harpoon for absolutely FREE. No money will change hands because I am unwilling to pay for a one-time-use item. It might as well be disposable, but I don’t think they make disposable harpoons. I’m not planning to take up whaling after this weekend, so you can rest assured, Keiko will not die at your hands. Unless you plan to kill that beast in your free time, I won’t judge you. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to acquire a harpoon.

I am accident prone, so the duller the better. Think your harpoon is in too poor of shape to give to me? You’re wrong, fool. The Older and rustier, the better.

Bring on the second hand harpoons!

Dear stripper, – m4w

Date: 2009-10-27, 6:24PM MST

Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,

You were beautiful. 5’8” with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in… Well you know.

I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.

I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry.

Kyle

To the girl I had drunk sex with last night – m4w

Date: 2009-10-24, 9:14PM PDT

Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn’t it! You can end up doing the craziest things!

Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed.

Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don’t remember meeting you. I don’t remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don’t know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.

We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That’s great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don’t remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.

Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don’t regret it, though. I just have two questions.

What’s your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?

1,325 Pope Hats

Date: 2009-07-07, 3:17PM MST

Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one. My dogs will not but they are not very nice and always hate being dressed up like for Halloween when we tried to dress them up like batman but they became very very agitated and bit a neighbors kid. I will lock the dogs up when you come get all of these pope hats.

My wife is a devout catholic and she finds the presence of all of these pope hats all over the house to be blasphemous. I have pope hats in every closet, pope hats under the sing, pope hats full of other pope hats. She will not stop talking to me about getting rid of the pope hats and has started lighting candles all over the house for my soul but these pope hats are extremely flammable so its a problem in my house (there are pope hats everywhere)

I payed 10x what I’m asking for when I bought these pope hats. I still think there is a market for them maybe when the economy turns around. Act NOW! Don’t miss this great deal! I have 1,325 total (I counted this morning). 3 of them have some dog bites and one of them is burnt to a crisp, but you can take that one or leave it. Bring 2-3 strong friends.

Cute Stool Sample Nurse – m4w

Date: 2009-05-20, 4:10PM CDT

On April 8th, I came out from the restroom in your office on Blanco at Bitters and you were sitting there, half-hidden by the frosted sliding glass window. Sandy blonde hair, purple scrubs, sitting at the desk with that cute smile that some orthodontist must have been very proud of. I handed you my sample cautiously. It was slumped to the side of the clear container, slightly smeared and mushed at the top from where I had to break it off to fit the lid on the jar. You gave me a cute grin and asked the silly phrase “Did everything come out OK?”, to which I stuttered out a broken ‘yes’.

It felt like an eternity as I stood there, mesmerized, before I realized that it was just plain awkward. I promptly left the office in embarrassment and thought of you for most of that evening, graciously accepting my excretions, smiling while doing so.

I have been back but have not seen you there. I made an appt. for problems with diarrhea and when you weren’t there, I took the cup home, in hopes of bringing it back at a time when you, and your beautiful smile, were present. I wish I could find a different, and less embarrassing, affliction to be treated for, but your head physician specializes in that type of diagnosis.

If you read this, and felt same connection I did, please email me back.

RAFF RIFF:
– Our predictions for the future
– double standards

– The French’s Contributions (Photography) … still hate though

INSULT OF THE DAY:

This one goes out to…… people with BUMPER STICKERS!!!

What the fuck?!?! Do you arrogant morons really think that by slapping some gimmicky sticker on the ass of your car is going to change my opinions or my life? I mean, I get the idea… you want to express yourself and/or spread a message. If you want to do that, then why don’t you fucking get under a politician’s desk and gob his knob for a few months so you can get your voice heard like every other whore in this country? But no, instead your fat lazy ass feels like devaluing your piece of shit Geo metro by putting “your” thoughts on the back of it so you can spread “your” message to the people behind you in the burger king drive through as the Geo strains under your fat ass to pull forward to the next window.

Also, don’t you think there’s something wrong with the whole “give us your money so you can share your thoughts on world peace” thing? If you’re gonna be that complacent, you might as well be original! Write your own goddamn material! Pasting strips of writing all over your car will take you back to the good old days when you wrote about how you were sexually confused in your emo diary.

By the way, if someone out there really has an epiphany due to one of these bumper gems, you should have probably died a long time ago, so do the world a favor and go buy 1000 bumper stickers so you can suffocate yourself with them.

Finally, if I have to see one more fucking mini-van with “all the characters in your family” on the back window, I will steal away into the night, break into your house and peel off every one’s faces so I can slap them on the back of your van so everyone can see the REAL assholes inside of it.

And one last thing bumper sticker people…. FUCK YOU!

PLUG IT UP!:

JERRY JONES:

THOREN: I can be found on the moon base.

JOSH:

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Outro

#7: Getting Away With Murder

Posted on February 19, 2012 by Josh Musser

This week as we hit our longest episode yet, Thoren has to sing for us for missing last week’s episode and therefore not saying the word of the day (according the the new rule we made up). This week’s word of the day is “carriwitchet”. We talk about dead celebs, crappy food, WYR’s, what to do with a million bucks, texting morons, sheeple, tough jobs, an ironic heart attack and we insult entitled assholes. We also say goodbye to Albus the parrot; may he conquer his enemies in the afterlife.

Ninny Nanny Notes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

SO…..HOW WAS YOUR WEEK:

– Deceased, Monster trucks
– Long Weekend
– Fiverr (again)

Thoren swoons the crowd!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

Carriwitchet-A hoaxing or riddling question; conundrum.

THE OLD IN AND OUT:

– Whitney Houston… does anybody care? Also, what’s the deal with celebs dying and having all these issues?
-terrorist averted (thanks FBI)
-foods you hate and like

Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!

GUESS WHAT….WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– 1: Sit at a very classy restaurant, order a meal you have to eat in its entirety. The waiter bringing out your meal has a very badly infected thumb nail which is causing him to sweat profusely. As he hands you your food, the pressure from the plate or bowl causes it to burst shades of yellow puss and blood onto your meal. You have to eat the entire meal while the waiter watches you approximately 10 inches from your face and he keeps making “mmmm” noises while you gorge yourself on his fluids.

Or:
Have an old wrinkly man with ear hair wearing an, “I love Matlock,” shirt, chew or rather gum up an entire jar of apple sauce little by little in his mouth, then kiss you, putting his mouth against yours and spitting the apple sauce into your mouth, which you will eat.

– Have your lower jaw cracked in half, then each piece is pulled to its prospective side causing your skin to rip with the force until the tendons and bone are separated from your skull
Or:
Have various pieces of surgical gauze left inside of your abdomen for approximately 2 months. During the process, your body will attempt to fight the foreign object, causing great infection and liquifying of your intestines.

– Suck on the gingivitis ridden toothless gums of a homeless man with an overactive saliva glands. You have to suck on both the top and bottoms of the bum’s splotchy blood red gums until he is done masturbating
Or:
Drink a jar of spit collected from the same bum and a collection of his homeless friends. Realize, most of the spit will be shades of brown, yellow and red, truth of the infections and diseases living within their mouths.

– Be strapped down, unable to move at all and you are forced to watch the most important person to you in your life, violently raped in front of you and nothing can every be done about it
Or:
Have the most important person in your life taken hostage, you have to take a sniping shot and there is only a 5% chance you will hit the guy. Likewise, you have a 95% chance it will hit the person you care about. The shot is 100% guaranteed to be lethal. (personal shooting skill is not a factor)

MORE RIFF RAFFING:

– What would you do for a million sea clams? Then what would you do with it?
– Texting and walking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXYY_ep5Nh0
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/lady-texting-while-walking-eats-it-durin.php
-Advertising terrorists

WTF:

– http://weirdthings.com/2012/02/wake-up-sheeple-half-man-half-sheep-hybrid-born-in-africa/

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

need someone to sit on lap

Date: 2009-09-22, 5:45AM EDT

I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you

to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping – m4w

Date: 2009-11-13, 10:38PM EST

Me: Taking a huge poop in the l5p pizza bathroom.

You: Drunk, beautiful, Discovered that I forgot to lock the door in my haste.

Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, and especially since it didnt seem to bother me that you walked in. We made eye contact for a brief moment, you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said “hey beautiful lady” right as you slammed the door, and i meant it. Everyone poops, and now that you have seen me pooping, I feel like we have already moved our relationship to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way, respond… I hope the smell didnt offend you, I ate indian food for lunch..

BJ for Bus Pass?

Date: 2009-11-04, 10:03AM PST

First of all, when you asked me how i was doing and i said “alright” i was lying. in actuality i was trippin’ hard off a really strong pot cookie. how strong? let’s just say i’d been skipping the previous buses because i couldn’t figure out how to stand up without my eyes falling out of their sockets. add in the factor that my hearing isn’t so good from spending way too much money on concerts and i couldn’t really understand what you were mumbling when you whispered, “blow you for a bus pass?”

I feel bad now for making you repeat yourself like 3 times and still not understanding what the hell you were talking about – I mean, yeah, I understood you needed money for bus fare, but i couldn’t quite wrap my brain around the fact that you were offering fellatio in exchange. I mean, it’s only four fucking dollars – you could very easily scrounge that up by just asking for spare change. Or were you actually trying to hustle up a transfer too?

Either way, I said something like “sorry, can’t help you,” cuz’ i was having a hard enough time trying not to melt down every time the train whistle went off. it then dawned on me what you’d been getting at and i got so nervous and nauseous i had to go sit down. it was a weird combination of disgust, panic, and arousal – like, well, i’ve never been with a guy, and under choicer circumstances would probably prefer a regular out of the closet healthy moe in designer jeans, and maybe it’s the pot talking, but maybe i could be into this. like, where would we go? an alleyway or bathroom? i can’t imagine even keeping it up under such a scenario, and like, would you bring a rubber, and that wouldn’t even necessarily protect me from genital warts, herpes, or what-not. I mean, what’s the etiquette here?

either way, the prospect of bartering a bus pass for a BJ from a stranger in or around a public place was just the kind of random sleazy offer a guy spaced out on massive quantities of THC needs to round out his day. considering the spousal unit goes down on me maybe twice a year if i’m lucky, i probably should have said what the hell and saved you the trouble of approaching other men. that, or just given you the freakin’ money no strings attached. hope you found a ride.

Looking for an average guy for average sex

Date: 2009-10-29, 4:57PM EDT

Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away.
Don’t even send me a pic of your penis.
I’m a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I’m not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that’s what you’re looking for.

Let’s just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you’re married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don’t bother me. If you’ve ever experimented with men, I’m also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning… maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you’re between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn’t make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.

Shrunken Pet Head Amulet

Date: 2009-11-19, 11:41AM AKST

Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.

RAFF RIFF:
-Tough Jobs
– People who gorge themselves… http://yhoo.it/x8Wxsh

– http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-68-words-you-cant-say-on-tv

– The French’s Contributions… still hate though

INSULT OF THE DAY:

This one goes out to…… Entitled assholes. (those who think everyone owes them something) You need to get the Fuck out of the world you think everyone owes you. Just because you have a job you think is special, or have a little extra cash, doesn’t make you better than anyone around you. You know how this crap starts is with the stupid kids these days. Their parents give them the world, tvs, game systems, “hey mom I need $50 bucks,” “Here ya go!” Fuck That! These little bastards have everything given to them and never work for a damn thing. Guess what I got for doing chores around the house and helped out my family and not being asked, I got to live in my house and eat food. These pricks grow up thinking the world is owed to them because they own their parents. Not one of em fears or respects authority because instead of smackin’ em upside their head, mommy and daddy give em new clothes that aren’t hand-me downs from older siblings. You think you are owed something because you are weak. You never did anything you are proud of or worked for, so you are never satisfied. You are the blithe of this world and only serve as fuel for the strong. As we wipe our hard working sweating brow I say to you, Fuck You!

PLUG IT BITCHES!:

JERRY “THE MOTHA FUCKIN” JONES:

THOREN:

JOSH:

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-Donate
-Tell Your Friends!
-Fundraiser

Outro: dedicated to Albus!

I’m getting married! – w4m

Giant Undies

Pls be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week ..

Small Penis

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UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters – m4w

Taxidermied hamsters for sale

Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work…

Oh no fatty. That food’s not for you.

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Ugly Llama

To the person who has my Ikea dresser…

Sex and Periods.

I grabbed your boobs on Sunset

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Death Ray – Once in a lifetime opportunity!

New Period Underwear!

Your Life is Imperfect, and It’s All My Fault

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Cop who gave me a ticket for drinking in public – m4w

KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick – m4w

We met over a steaming pile of turds. . .

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seeking menstruating short-term friend – w4w

Cabana Boy NEEDED – Start ASAP

I LOST PANCAKES 😦

I need your eyesore, please help

We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station – m4w

Porn laptop

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I Need a Harpoon

Dear stripper, – m4w

To the girl I had drunk sex with last night – m4w

1,325 Pope Hats

Cute Stool Sample Nurse – m4w

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need someone to sit on lap

to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping – m4w

BJ for Bus Pass?

Looking for an average guy for average sex

Shrunken Pet Head Amulet

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