#9: On A Soapbox

This week on UB: One of our personal favorites to date! Our word of the day is “floccinaucinihilipilification”. We talk about personal space, secret farts, fecal implants, violent math, weird things during puberty, drunk stories and porn names. We also insult teenage female wiggers!

NNNNnnnnnotes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

Dem Weeks… How Were They?:

– Fiverr & Test taking
– Reading to midgets and Girly screams
– Fiverr and Bill Fuckin Murray!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– floccinaucinihilipilification- The act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant.

RIFFIE RAFFIE:

– Talking to strangers, getting inside of their space
–  Crazy man hobo Beards
– Secret Farts

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– Chew the scrotum off of a bloated dead man who died of a severe case of infentego of the crotch
OR
Lick Michael Moore’s ass crack while he clenches his butt cheeks after running up the stairs due to an abrupt case of food poisoning. Your tongue must go in deep enough to reach the anus.

– Get thrown into a small box truck along with 10 overly aggressive wolverines and have the door shut on you

OR

fight a kodiak bear in the pitch dark, however you have places to hide… if you can get to them and if he doesn’t find you.

– Get stripped naked then eaten whole by Rosie O’Donell, after 15 minutes of fighting your way through her digestive systems, you make it out and into her fermented womb from which you will be birthed slowly
OR
be thrown into a pit of fat old hairy men greased and naked while they writhe erotically.

– Cut open the webbing between your fingers and toes with a thin, but jagged razor, then fill each wound with rock salt until the skin bulges
OR
spray liquid hydrogen into your ears crotch and other appendages.

– Drink a gallon of freshly microwaved pig sperm
OR
drink a gallon of gritty and slightly thick dihareea

RIFF TO THE RAFF:

– Other peoples colored poop poop out of my belly button No bastard Fundraiser Fucks( anger ensues)
– Things that feel good on accident
– Fecal Implants

WTF:

Violent Math Questions: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/teacher-fired-assigning-violent-math-problems-third-graders-201910368.html;_ylt=ArXUzpCY7PzZACMV7ptVDgztiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTNxYWJpdjNpBG1pdANUb3BTdG9yeSBPZGRVU1NGBHBrZwM5ZmM4ZWYxNS0wMDVlLTMxMjItYjg1YS1mZTdkYmMzZjUxOTQEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3RvcF9zdG9yeQR2ZXIDNDRhMDkxMTMtNjRiNC0xMWUxLWI1ZjYtNmVkYTJiMDQ3MmRk;_ylg=X3oDMTIwdWJsZnJ1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANob21lfG9kZG5ld3MEcHQDc2VjdGlvbnMEdGVzdAM-;_ylv=3

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

seeking menstruating short-term friend – w4w


Date: 2009-08-28, 7:00PM PDT



Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I’m not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women’s cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or… maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who’re also menstruatin’, bring them too.

And I know it’s hot, so I’m offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat.

Cabana Boy NEEDED – Start ASAP


Date: 2009-05-22, 2:45PM PDT



In general… on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun…

Job Duties and Requirements:

-Must be able to operate a blender
-Must be experience with working iPod’s
-Good with oil and sunscreen
-Must wear uniform
-Must enjoy sun and water
-Hand grape feedings necessary
-Be willing work at moments notice

This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies’ company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don’t be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

I LOST PANCAKES 😦


Date: 2009-08-25, 3:06PM PDT



I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.

Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN 🙂

I need your eyesore, please help


Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT



I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge piece of rusted heavy equipment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help each other out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old piece of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeakes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station – m4w


Date: 2009-07-30, 9:56AM PDT



First of all, I’m sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can’t just walk up on you like that.

I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I’d had the time to admire you just a little longer.

The way you screamed at me, I can tell you’re a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can’t be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman.

Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn’t even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You’re a real lady.

In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.)

Come on by and we’ll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!)

Porn laptop


Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT



I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it’s a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don’t need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I’m pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn’t type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it’s not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

RAFF RIFF:
– Weird things you did while in puberty
– Puk gt stoereies (yeeqh baby)
– Drunk stories

– Porn names


GET FRENCHED:
– Mayonnaise

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to……  Teenage female Wiggers. You stupid cunts. I think its funny you are a step down from a regular dipshit wigger. You are a reflection of the thing you think is awesome. You…. think… wiggers… are awesome. Worthless. You walk around acting black, your hard and you know what its like to be in the ghetto.  I know and everyone else knows a sister would beat the crap out of you. At least white trash is its own kind of crazy. Wiggers are paper tigers. Ferocious in thought, but reality can be torn apart with ease. You are the weak and deserve to be tied to the ground, covered with honey and left to be eaten by carpenter ants. Your speech and your face make me want to punch a baby. I really just hate people who have no personality or character in general, which would be you unoriginal, uncultured, unconnected, retarded, dickless, pompous piece of shit. in summary…. FUCK YOU!

Predictions fuck head:

Plugs fuck:

Jerry “Free Form” Jones

Thoren “Thick Chode” Moran:

JOSH “the man pleasing” MUSSER:

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-Fiverr

Outro:
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