#8: Fundraiser 2012 – UB “Diggin’ Deep”

This week marks Golden Pipes Entertainment’s first annual fundraiser event for all of the shows! You’ll notice this is a very raw recording of the full 5 hours of our live fundraiser so don’t expect all the fancy bells and whistles and organization of usual. Also, enjoy the Voice Acting Radio episode that happens toward the beginning! You can find more of that show on voiceactingradio.com! A big thanks to all of those who showed up and supported us! This episode of UB has all of the classic segments plus gives birth to a couple of new ideas to try on the show. Enjoy!

UB’s Notes… HAND OFF!




– qualtagh- The first person you see after leaving your house


– Times in your life where you get screwed in every way (we don’t mean rape though… or do we?)… Yes we do. As a matter of fact, rape is the only way.
– Road Work

– your week

Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!


– Be dragged by a truck through a large field covered in broken glass, used needles, and salt
OR have your limbs chewed off (at the shoulders and hips) by an albino coyote that has only three good teeth.

– Be killed by being thrown out of a plane at 30,000 feet with no parachute OR by being drowned in a body of water by having weights attached to your ankles and your hands bound

– Have your fingers and toes broken slowly one at a time by twisting them counter-clockwise with a pair of pliers OR have all pierce-able parts of your body (penis included) be pierced at least twice by a large hairy clumsy man named Betty

– Perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on a  mountain man with wildly overgrown and undergroomed facial hair and has never used a dental hygiene product in his life, thus giving him an acute case of gingivitis and halitosis as well as causing some of his rotten putrid teeth to come off in your mouth whilst you are performing said “kiss of life” OR have 5 equally disgusting individuals take turns covering you in whatever bodily secretion they can muster up from their bodies (any kind of secretion)

– Be forced to lance a huge festering boil off of the ass of your very aged grandpa that wears diapers and has lost the ability to clean himself and make sure to get every last chunky, slimy, bloody, odoriferous piece of infested flesh and pus with your bare hands (no gloves or gauze allowed) OR Drink a pint of the foulest, most disgusting juices, and materials  that have accumulated in a busy city hospital (this includes saliva samples, feces, urine, blood and any other things produced on or in a human body) the contents of the pint have not been sterilized and have aged for one month so that all the contents have coagulated together to form a bubbling mass that smells like a mixture of  sweaty feet and a fully occupied nursing home.


– Running out of Helium
– The supernatural?
– death by helium


– Because we don’t do enough for the ladies



I Need a Harpoon

Date: 2009-10-29, 10:18AM PDT

In the spirit of forsaking the mutually sexist paradigm of sexy Halloween costumes, I have decided to be an Eskimo. I am fully aware that I have traded a sexually offensive concept for a potentially racially charged one, but I’m half native, so I figure it’s like black people saying the N-word. Right? Right.

I’m tired of seeing 8 year old reflections of my former self wandering around rainy old Stumptown on a holiday asking for candy while wearing a Fifteenth generation power rangers costume. It makes this Eskimo very sad and want to shelter him with my parka.

My own personal conflicts (which are many) aside, I require a harpoon for the ensemble. I have tried to fashion one, but the craftiness of my ancestors got lost somewhere, probably in a smallpox blanket. Said blanket will make me very dead and I have some parties I’d like to attend this weekend before that happens.

So, I am willing to drive my meager transportation to your corner of Portland or vicinity and pick up your cumbersome, bulky, takes-up-all-the-patio-space harpoon for absolutely FREE. No money will change hands because I am unwilling to pay for a one-time-use item. It might as well be disposable, but I don’t think they make disposable harpoons. I’m not planning to take up whaling after this weekend, so you can rest assured, Keiko will not die at your hands. Unless you plan to kill that beast in your free time, I won’t judge you. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to acquire a harpoon.

I am accident prone, so the duller the better. Think your harpoon is in too poor of shape to give to me? You’re wrong, fool. The Older and rustier, the better.

Bring on the second hand harpoons!

Dear stripper, – m4w

Date: 2009-10-27, 6:24PM MST

Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,

You were beautiful. 5’8” with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in… Well you know.

I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.

I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry.


To the girl I had drunk sex with last night – m4w

Date: 2009-10-24, 9:14PM PDT

Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn’t it! You can end up doing the craziest things!

Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed.

Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don’t remember meeting you. I don’t remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don’t know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.

We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That’s great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don’t remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.

Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don’t regret it, though. I just have two questions.

What’s your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?

1,325 Pope Hats

Date: 2009-07-07, 3:17PM MST

Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one. My dogs will not but they are not very nice and always hate being dressed up like for Halloween when we tried to dress them up like batman but they became very very agitated and bit a neighbors kid. I will lock the dogs up when you come get all of these pope hats.

My wife is a devout catholic and she finds the presence of all of these pope hats all over the house to be blasphemous. I have pope hats in every closet, pope hats under the sing, pope hats full of other pope hats. She will not stop talking to me about getting rid of the pope hats and has started lighting candles all over the house for my soul but these pope hats are extremely flammable so its a problem in my house (there are pope hats everywhere)

I payed 10x what I’m asking for when I bought these pope hats. I still think there is a market for them maybe when the economy turns around. Act NOW! Don’t miss this great deal! I have 1,325 total (I counted this morning). 3 of them have some dog bites and one of them is burnt to a crisp, but you can take that one or leave it. Bring 2-3 strong friends.

Cute Stool Sample Nurse – m4w

Date: 2009-05-20, 4:10PM CDT

On April 8th, I came out from the restroom in your office on Blanco at Bitters and you were sitting there, half-hidden by the frosted sliding glass window. Sandy blonde hair, purple scrubs, sitting at the desk with that cute smile that some orthodontist must have been very proud of. I handed you my sample cautiously. It was slumped to the side of the clear container, slightly smeared and mushed at the top from where I had to break it off to fit the lid on the jar. You gave me a cute grin and asked the silly phrase “Did everything come out OK?”, to which I stuttered out a broken ‘yes’.

It felt like an eternity as I stood there, mesmerized, before I realized that it was just plain awkward. I promptly left the office in embarrassment and thought of you for most of that evening, graciously accepting my excretions, smiling while doing so.

I have been back but have not seen you there. I made an appt. for problems with diarrhea and when you weren’t there, I took the cup home, in hopes of bringing it back at a time when you, and your beautiful smile, were present. I wish I could find a different, and less embarrassing, affliction to be treated for, but your head physician specializes in that type of diagnosis.

If you read this, and felt same connection I did, please email me back.

– Our predictions for the future
– double standards

– The French’s Contributions (Photography) … still hate though


This one goes out to…… people with BUMPER STICKERS!!!

What the fuck?!?! Do you arrogant morons really think that by slapping some gimmicky sticker on the ass of your car is going to change my opinions or my life? I mean, I get the idea… you want to express yourself and/or spread a message. If you want to do that, then why don’t you fucking get under a politician’s desk and gob his knob for a few months so you can get your voice heard like every other whore in this country? But no, instead your fat lazy ass feels like devaluing your piece of shit Geo metro by putting “your” thoughts on the back of it so you can spread “your” message to the people behind you in the burger king drive through as the Geo strains under your fat ass to pull forward to the next window.

Also, don’t you think there’s something wrong with the whole “give us your money so you can share your thoughts on world peace” thing? If you’re gonna be that complacent, you might as well be original! Write your own goddamn material! Pasting strips of writing all over your car will take you back to the good old days when you wrote about how you were sexually confused in your emo diary.

By the way, if someone out there really has an epiphany due to one of these bumper gems, you should have probably died a long time ago, so do the world a favor and go buy 1000 bumper stickers so you can suffocate yourself with them.

Finally, if I have to see one more fucking mini-van with “all the characters in your family” on the back window, I will steal away into the night, break into your house and peel off every one’s faces so I can slap them on the back of your van so everyone can see the REAL assholes inside of it.

And one last thing bumper sticker people…. FUCK YOU!



THOREN: I can be found on the moon base.


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-Tell Your Friends!


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