#16: Awkwardly Long

This week we talk about what’s been going on during our hiatus. The word of the day is “tetrapyloctomy”. We also talk about Google Ass raping thousands of Youtubers, squid sperm, Missed Connections, retarded deaths, the invention of the food processor, and insulting Google’s greedy ass execs. Stay tuned for more updates!
NOnononoNONONOTES:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Website (finally!) and the end of a vehicular era,
– Baby Shower and the plague and the actual baby!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-tetrapyloctomy- The act of splitting a hair four ways

Riffle:

– Adsense and Google

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  Horrible Movies

Raffle:
-Mama’s day-Papa’s day

WTF;
– Spermy the Squid http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/squid-spermatophores-stuck-diner-mouth-202402937.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

I’m getting married! – w4m


Okay, I’m not getting married…but I’m with someone now and I think we’re going to be very happy together. I think this is it. Forever.

All right, we’re not really together so to speak, you know… boyfriend and girlfriend… but we’re very important to each other… best friends really.

Well, maybe not best friends. Maybe more like just really close to each other. Really tight.

And I do mean that — really tight, really close… but maybe not in the sense of “close friends” — maybe more like close… strangers. Tight and close together in a physical manner, more than an emotional sense. But you can’t deny the sparks that flew when we, as strangers, gazed longingly into each other’s eyes, right? It was so beautiful!

Okay, not so much gazed longingly as glanced appreciatively… but the attraction was undeniable, you have to agree.

All right, maybe glanced appreciatively doesn’t describe it either. But I’m fairly sure you caught a glimpse of my forehead in your peripheral vision. A passionate glimpse. And that’s an amazing connection.

So, maybe not a connection so much as a nervous assessment. But I believe that anxiety over what we have is only natural, given the astounding sexual tension. Couldn’t you feel it rattling between us?

Perhaps the rattling had something to do with the subway train, but I really felt one with you. One with you in the sense that we were so close, we were almost one person. Maybe my body swinging into yours as the train rounded a curve was a bit jarring… but only in a way that two universes colliding could be called “a bit jarring.” You didn’t have to move away from me… it’s natural, truly. But perhaps the raw chemistry between us was too much for you. Or it might have been the heel of my boot in the arch of your foot.

I feel we were meant to be…I know you. But I don’t really know you, so if you read this, Mr. Orange-Manhattan-Portage-Bag-and-Rust-Colored-Corduroy-Jacket-on-the-R-train, sorry about tromping on your foot and ramming my bag into your gut. But Love Hurts, right? Call me?

Giant Undies


I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5’4” and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only…no perverts.

Pls be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week ..

Hello gals of Mumbai and beyond I am looking for an obnoxious girlfriend for one week to restore my glee in being single.

Nowadays I find myself stuck horribly in situations where mostly everyone I know is either in one of those relationships or is happily hitched or is finally married. I was pleased and really contented to be single for the last year but now that I have been exposed to all these happy-happy people in relationships, I’m starting to wonder really big time if I need one too.

In my head, I know I don’t (actually I’m not sure.. hehe), but let’s make this solid with an experience. This is where you figure in. I need you around for one week in the role of an awful, dreadful, terrible girlfriend to renew my so-called glee in being single.

Sweetie my requirements of you:

* -You are decently attractive which means u can simply be the ordinary girl that we usually c around town. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a decently pretty girl who is nice to look at but a total b**** otherwise.

* -Be extremely needy and fully deprived of any attention. Pls ring me twenty seven times a day, always checking where the hell I am, checking out who the hell I’m with, checking out what the hell am I doing etc.

* -Have poor or for that matter zilch manners. When we decide to go out together, I want you to not use your tissue, tip damn poorly or not at all, etcetera etcetera

* -Stare at other guys when we’re out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.

* -Don’t listen one bit when I talk, and interrupt me nearly everytime

* -Wear hideously ugly n flashy clothes,

* -Have totally absurd and wildly inaccurate info n data n unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about freakin everything u say n do.

* -Flick or rob something of mine. I will set out one predefined thing or article that you must steal from my place under any circumstances.

* -Don’t be too bothered or upset when I end things after nearly a week (and part of this deal is that I (ME, MOI.. if u get what I mean) am the only one designated to break things off). You assume and also know for sure what you’re getting into and do not form any love or awkward bond.

After the bad week is gone  we can either be pals and laugh hilariously about this, or we can pretend that we’ve never really met and ignore each other big time if we happen to meet in a public place.

So then. now u can ask me : What do you get out of this silly thingy?

At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am rich and well educated but still !). A stolen item (of my choosing). A good anecdote to tell people later. Contentment that you are also single. A super-duper chance to utter your malevolence. A dissatisfying rendezvous for both of us.

You’d be a total and absolute fool to pass up this grand opportunity! PS: I’m a nice guy … if i like u … i might just keep u 😉 Take ur chance , u neva know ….. nothing ventured – nothing gained!

Small Penis


You cannot trick me, Small Penis, into thinking you are large- by pounding away like a jackhammer. In fact, when you do this- I almost totally forget about you. I am more involved with the incessant slapping sounds of skin and flapping balls and trying to tune them out. You cannot shove and piledrive your way into my heart- bratty bullying will only make me notice you less.

Small Penis, rough fingers have tried and failed to supplement your smaller size by jamming, manhandling, and stretching my sensitive pussy in ways that make it want to barricade the door and lock down the shades.

It is true, Smally, that when I first saw you I did not get that certain rush of glee and pupil dilation that a giant cock will cause. I have small breasts- when I take off my shirt (I don’t even need a bra) I am sure I am not providing a moment that would be filmed in glorious slow motion with a soundtrack.

Small Penis, small tits are subtle. YOu can be too. You will never fill me in that “good lord YES” amusement part ride way- but, remember- that is one slice of the spectrum. If you wanted to, you could deploy in a proud and erotic way and get me off REAL GOOD multiple times. You could operate with finesse instead of screaming to be noticed.

If you could just calm down and stop the monotonous pounding, you might notice that I can ride you, squeeze you, and stroke you with my pussy. Everytime I get on top and try I soon find hands around my waste frantically lifting me up and down and all I am thinking is oh here we go again…what’s that crockpot recipe??

Small Penis, it’s time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.)

Think of yourself as an artist’s tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am loving it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated.

Riff to the Raff:
– Retarded Deaths

GET FRENCHED:
– Food processor by Pierre Verdun between 1963 and 1971.

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Google. Just because you own the world doesn’t mean you can control the populace. Well ok it does, but just remember with tyranny comes rebellion, mother fuckers. While Larry Page and Sergey Brin are buttfucking each other on their bed of money and gold, hardworking Americans trying to make a living through creativity are going to sneak into your headquarters and shit in your processors just like when you take a dump on our chests after providing you with money making content. By the way, I finally found out what Google stands for… Gay Oppressive Overlords Grinding Leprous Erections. Yes I am that spiteful…. BITCH. Oh and one more thing before you have your company wide skat orgy for the most elite… FUCK YOU!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Hangin’ By The Giant Vein” JONES:

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JOSH “Boob Blood Bath” MUSSER:

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Outro:
hooty hoo!

 

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#15: Uncivilized Juice

This week the word of the day is “Clithridiate”. While we get our drink on, we talk about Catholic Bullshit, Curt Schilling going broke with 38 Studios, SpaceX, A man who is actually a woman, super heroes, DivX, and we insult Mark Zuckerburg!

Holy Narcotic Notes!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– last week of kid’s school (til next year), and uneventful-ness
– josh Juice n voice acting! Will continue to bitch about the heat.

WORD OF THE DAY:

-Clithridiate- Key-hole-shaped

Riffle:

– Catholic Bullshit http://news.yahoo.com/popes-butler-arrested-vatican-leaks-scandal-154717974.html

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  Curt has no Schillings http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/post/curt-schillings-38-studios-lays-off-entire-staff-amid-financial-woes/2012/05/25/gJQA6WLHqU_blog.html?wprss=rss_sports

Raffle:

– SPACE?!
WTF;
– Man, Woman, What?! http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/man-admitted-hospital-kidney-stone-discovers-hes-woman-110057308–abc-news-health.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

 

Need advice on breaking up


Date: 2007-11-17, 7:55AM CST



I need a way to say the following items but in a way that she will understand:

1. Your intelligence is on par with the domestic ass.

2. Wear clothes that fit you.

3. When you are sleeping you saw logs so loudly that my neighbor complained to me about it.

4. Get out and exercise you lazy cow.

5. If you are stopping by to pick me up to go somewhere get off your no good ass and walk to the apartment instead of sitting in your car out front and honking the horn.

6. The only thing we have in common is that we enjoy being intoxicated on Friday night.

7. Why can’t you get the point when I told you that the only reason I asked you out in the first place was because I already had four shots of tequila.

8. You cough so loudly my floor shakes when you do it… Are you going to cough up some unknown life form out of that lung? Is that why you are shaped like a damn watermelon?

9. I stopped calling you. I stopped coming over to your place. Why can you not take this as a hint?

10. Sex is horrible with you. I definitely wouldn’t of hit that if I was sober at the time. There are fat flaps around your cooter. You have to make the Moses parting the red sea movement to move this camel-toe-esque fat lobs out of the way to get the job done.

11. You cannot get the hint when I say this isn’t working you keep calling and showing up. What the hell is wrong with you???

12. I have hit on other girls in front of you… Ones that are actually attractive and you still cling to me.

13. I find it really retarded that you think that it is perfectly acceptable to drive around a car with no insurance and without a drivers license.

14. Why don’t you try to drag yourself out of white trashiness?

15. Oh yeah, one last thing, why do you think it’s acceptable to go the bar every night, don’t get me wrong I love going on the weekends, maybe one night in the week occasionally (If I had a bad day at work), but every goddamn night? Are you seriously trying to be a freakin drunk???

Anyone got any advice on communicating these views to this girl so that she will comprehend them please for the love of God and all that is holy and right in the world please tell me how to pound this into her oversized and under-developed head!!!

 

The Greatest Craigslist Car Ad Ever’

Email8Smaller FontTextLarger Text|Print


Riff to the Raff:
– Supah Heroes

GET FRENCHED:
– DivX around 1998 by Jerome Rota

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Mark Zuckerberg! Put this one in your timeline asshole! You are quite possibly the least interesting piece of shit I have ever had the displeasure of seeing… and I ate taco bell recently. You think you are big stuff the way you strut around like a peacock. But you have about as much flair and “pizazz” as a brick. I know that you think that all fackbook user’s are “dumb fucks” but let me tell something to you, you penis swizzling fucker. You can go kill yourself as far as I am concerned… to finish succinctly… FUCK YOU!!!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Drippy Britches” JONES:

JOSH “Sloshy” MUSSER:

 

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Outro:
Happy Endings!

#14: You Won’t Like Him When He’s Angry

This week, the word of the day is “Mytacism”. We have an rare sighting of the enraged Jerry Jones, we talk about Facebook stock, “The Dictator”, cupcake sausages, a post-op beauty pageant contestant, and we insult every person in the world!

You want notes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE NOTES!!! Fine you can have them…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– no time for shit!
– Tropico 4

WORD OF THE DAY:

-mytacism- The incorrect or excessive use of the letter M

Riffle:

– Facebook Stock

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  “The Dictator” What the fuck is wrong with you Sascha Baron Cohen!?

Raffle:

– Over agressive-ness

WTF;
– Cupcake Turds http://www.geekologie.com/2012/05/cupcakewurst-grillable-cupcakes-in-sausa.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters – m4w


You! Slim, with the black hair We had the whole floor of the law library (now apparently being renovated) to ourselves. It was late at night, we were both stealing glances at each other. We got around to talking at last, and I asked you if you were going to be studying all night. “Oh yes, all night,” you said, pausing to smile invitingly before you added, “At least, that’s the plan…” There were plenty of empty, dark rooms, offering stupid amounts of fooling-around possibilities to us. But you ended up being too scared to go beyond anything but the blind under-the-table groping, constantly scanning the area as if some unseen (possibly Catholic?) authority figure was going to leap upon us–“Fornicators!”–and, I don’t know, lock us in a frightening gun store bondage basement to be sodomized (which would seemingly contradict the whole Catholic impression I first had). Anyway, for some reason, the countless shadowed nooks and crannies we could have been cavorting in seemed less favorable to you than our table in the middle of the room, devoid of any cover whatsoever. Maybe you were afraid I would murder you or something? Whatever. The building closed. I left frustrated that we had come so close to a possibly fulfilling impromptu encounter.

And you! Really hot blonde in the PCL lab that one night! We made out for a minute or two, I got handfuls of your great ass through your tights. We heard somebody coming around the corner, broke apart, waited for them to pass. After that you seemed to lose your nerve, even though we were literally standing right in front of an empty room no one had any reason to enter! You were convinced that somebody would walk in on us. So our encounter, which had only just been starting to get really hot, came to an abrupt and lame “separate-ways” ending. I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God. Against all the world. It could have been so good.

And goddamn you, gorgeous short-haired brunette with the Death From Above 1979 tote bag and great taste in music who I ran into in the Union. The place was practically dead, and those bathroom stalls on the third floor are impossibly clean! I tried to explain this to you, but you, too, lacked the courage, convinced that we would be heard.

Please UT girls. I like private home-made sex as much as anybody, but these opportunities are rare goddamned semi-public-sex unicorns. They will not roam the halls of the retirement home you will eventually inhabit once your children have back-stabbed you and imprisoned you there. By then you will be drooling and possibly rambling about the time uncle Jo left all the cat food out and the cat ate too much of it and my it smelled awful in that house for days until the cat finally died and a wild “ky-oat” or summit dragged the carcass into the forest one night and oh are you my husband?

Just make this semester a little more exciting.

Taxidermied hamsters for sale

I have a family of taxidemied hamsters for sale. They are perfect for the kid who wants a hamster but you know damn well won’t take care of them. Just buy a cage, pose them in it and tell the kids to enjoy. If the kids ask why they aren’t moving just explain to them that happy hamsters keep still. These hamsters were originally bought with love and taken care of very well. Then, as is usually the case with my little ba**** kid, he lost interest and kept forgetting to feed them. One by one they dropped off. I couldn’t bear to flush these cute things down the toilet so I bought a taxidermy kit and stuffed them. The best part about these guys is that they won’t soil the cage or cost anything in food! They’ll just give hours of pleasure like live hamsters. Call or e-mail me with an offer so that you can begin your new life as a hamster owner! [number deleted]

Thanks,
Joe “Buzzy”

Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work…


Ok, I get it. You had to rub one out. I know the feeling. Maybe it was thinking about that totally hot little minx in purchasing that got you going. Or you got some steamy email from your wife. Whatever it was, you just needed a little release. We’ve all been there my friend.

But if I may be so bold as to offer a few tips?

1. Location Location Location – Maybe it was the bathroom closest to your desk. Maybe it has bigger stalls for more elbow room. But whatever the reason, the bathroom just off the factory floor is not your best choice. It is huge for a reason. There are about 80-90 workers on that factory floor at all times, plus about 30-40 office workers, and there’s almost always at least one person who needs to take a squirt.

2. Silence is Golden – While we all might empathize with your situation, NO ONE WANTS YOU HEAR YOU SLAP YOUR SALAMI!! And we certainly don’t want to hear the gentle grunts you were letting out. It was like being forced to listen to the audio of a bad gay porn soundtrack, minus the cheesy Casio keyboard jazz/funk fusion music. Keep it down, will ya?

3. Ms Manners says… – Ok, so you had a poor choice in bathrooms and you are just naturally loud. Even elemental problems such as these can be overcome by following rule #3. When someone comes into the bathroom….STOP!!! Seriously, I’d think that would be the easiest rule to follow. Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn’t that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

4. Good fences make good neighbors – This is the most important rule of all. If you have been caught rubbing one out in the men’s room, do not, under any circumstances, come out of your stall until all affected parties have left the bathroom. I’m never going to be able to get the picture out of my head of you going over to the sink right next to the one I was at, and looking at me in your mirror with a big contented smile while you’re washing your hands.

They don’t make a body soap strong enough for the ick I felt after that. No amount of showering tonight will do it I’m afraid.

Oh no fatty. That food’s not for you.

Hey fatbottom, don’t think I don’t see you coveting the kitten’s rich tasty kitten food. So knock it off, cause you ain’t getting any.

You can hatch evil plans to acquire the tasty food all you want, but let me remind you, you’re a cat, and your strategies have been at best dismal failures. Let’s refresh, shall we?

You headbutted the kitten away from her food. This was your best strategy to date, and you actually got to snarf down some of good stuff until I caught you, and you were greeted by your arch nemesis, Captain Squirtgun and his sidekick Lieutenant My-Foot-To-Yo-Fat-Ass. Me 1, Tubbins 0

Brute Force no longer an option, you decided to go stealth ops. Lurk, waiting for the kitten to wander, then you swoop in on a high speed raid. That didn’t work out so well for you either did it? Why not? Cause at 20 something lbs, you don’t ‘swoop’ very stealthy. There’s a reason Possums hunt at night- because they’d starve otherwise… just like you’re doing now. Me 2, Sumo-cat 0

Taking no chances and sick of having to guard the kitten bowl until she was done, I decided kitten gets to eat up on the counter. You hate that more than anything don’t you? I can just see the resentment in your pudgy face. Why does she get to eat steak up there, when I’m eating compressed dust down here? Because I know you can’t get up to the counter without a loud distinctive grunt and making a calamity trying to wiggle your raccoon-ass between the wall and the toaster. Me 3, Fatty 0.

Clearly I own you. In all senses of the word. You really ought to just get used to the Vet’s prescribed food. You’re gonna be eating it for at least a decade, which is forever as far as you’re concerned.

Riff to the Raff:
– Would you think she’s hot? http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/trangendered-miss-universe-canada-contestant-takes-stage-172200662.html

GET FRENCHED:
– Modern dentistry by Pierre Fauchard

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… everyone! I fucking hate you all.

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Baby Back Ribs” JONES:

JOSH “Burnt Cracker” MUSSER:

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Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#13: Ass Men

This week the word of the day is “Witzesuct”. We talk about Mother’s day, smelling your own farts, a robotic ass, breast feeding, the metric system and we insult “smart” people!

Mmmm… I want dem notes…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Air repair, ANIMATORS!!!!!
– Asian drivers (not ) breaking stereotypes!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-witzelsucht- A feeble attempt at humor

Riffle:

– Mother’s Day

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  DAYUM Blizzard, you scary! http://us.blizzard.com/en-us/games/d3/?int

Raffle:

– smelling your own farts… vintage 1988

WTF:

-Robotic… ASS?! http://on.msnbc.com/JLnmQm

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Ugly Llama

I have an ugly llama that needs a new home. He’s a gelded male, somewhere between 5-10 years old, recently de-wormed, hoof-trimmed, sheared and vaccinated. His name is “Nash,” and I rescued him from a pretty bad situation.

He’s knock-kneed, he has a terrible haircut from recently shaved-off burdocks and mats, and his face is disfigured from an embedded halter wound. He’s very hard to catch, impossible to lead, and just barely able to be pushed on and off of a trailer (we’re working on these things). However, he has never once tried to spit, kick or bite, and is starting to accept petting. He will eat grain from your hand, and although shy, seems to want to make friends. The vet says he’s healthy now. He makes no noise except for quiet, lonely hum-hoots, which sound like someone is blowing into a dusty trumpet.

Llamas are sensitive to copper, so they can’t have most horse feeds/minerals, but are fine with hay/pasture and goat vitamins. They get along fine with most animals…

…just not my horse. My old Tennessee Walker is apparently a vicious southern racist who wants to rip Nash’s little brown South American face off. I tried to sign my horse up for sensitivity training, but things just aren’t working out. Thus, Nash needs a new home.

If you’ve read all THAT, and are STILL interested in adopting an ugly llama, I know you have a good heart. Nash needs someone like you; he’s had a rough life and deserves a really nice home. A farm visit and vet references will be required– I need to know he’s going to be well taken care of. Please call Laura at 608-225-7045 or email the above address.

To the person who has my Ikea dresser…

I’m sorry to have to post this, but a horrible mistake was made. When you picked up the dresser I was not at home. My roommate was supposed to make sure that my ferrets were put away, but…
Bottom line, my two ferrets are in separate drawers of the dresser. They should be okay, but I wanted to warn you not to take them both out at the same time.
They were rescues… and I was never able to socialize them.
They not only fight, but actively plot each other’s demise.
Otherwise – they’re perfectly fine!
Please call or email when you read this.
*sorry for the inconvenience

Sex and Periods.


Date: 2010-02-21, 11:51AM CST



Ahhh, Sunday morning – my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I’m sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life’s wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig’s Online Hook-Up Service.

But, lately, I’ve been having a problem with periods. Yeah, periods. Now, normally ‘periods’ and ‘sex’ are not something that most people want to talk about – at least NOT in the same sentence – but I think that the time has come for us to open up, and to admit that maybe there IS a place where periods and sex can coexist. Take the following post, for example:

“lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck”

This sounds great…doesn’t it? (I’m hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she’s too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can’t use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It’s natural; it’s normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it’s just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can’t go together.

I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I’ll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)…anytime. Period.

I grabbed your boobs on Sunset

Saturday night, I was out with my buddies walking around on Sunset, going from bar to bar, club to club, etc. You were, presumably, with your girlfriends. As we neared each other, none of us made eye contact. It’s as though we were trying not to look at each other. I sure as hell was.

But because of this, I wasn’t looking where I was going either, and tripped on a crack in the pavement and tripped, falling forward, right as you were passing by. My arms flailed about and tried to grab the nearest sturdy thing to steady myself. That nearest thing ended up being your rack.

Unfortunately, your breasts weren’t steady nor sturdy enough, so I kept falling. Along the way, your shirt and bra were torn off in the process. Your knockers, exposed to the night air, bounced with delight and glee.

Almost immediately, you came down upon me, fists rained down hellfire the likes of which I’ve never experienced. Your friends quickly joined in, pummeling me, while my own friends stood back and watched, giggling gayly as if their kindergarten classmate had just poohed his pants during recess.

It was when you were pepper spraying the shit out of me that we locked eyes for a moment. It was incredibly painful to keep my eyes open, due to the intense sting from the pepper spray, but I noticed how goddamn gorgeous your blue eyes were, and I think I noticed a moment of hesitation, almost admiration, perhaps. A hint of a smile formed on your face, and for a second, I thought you were going to kiss me, but then you head-butted me directly into the sidewalk, rendering me unconscious.

This, however, did not stop you from kicking me in the side, spitting on my face and stealing my wallet, while, yes, you were there, you know, my friends continued laughing and whooping it up like a bunch of drunken rednecks at a hoedown.

I had hoped to find your phone number scratched into my chest, along with the many other scratches from your fingernails, but alas, when I came to, nothing. Just blood and a few scattered teeth.

I sincerely hope you read this message because I think we had a connection, you and I. I want to see where this might lead. As long as it’s not the ICU again.

Riff to the Raff:
– Best Breast alone http://yhoo.it/M5oJgR

GET FRENCHED:
– Metric system

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… “Smart” People
I really just love how you think that everything you say is correct and everything I say must be wrong in some way, shape, form, or fashion. It sickens me to think about how much time you spend arguing useless trivial facts because you think you know better and that God, Nature or some strange amalgamation of the two made you the amazing lexicon that you are. Why don’t you and your useless knowledge of the most minute facets of the universe just go and fuck yourself sideways. Better yet go and find every book and encyclopedia you can get your masturbation callused hands on and live in a cave eating mushrooms and leave the rest of the world in peace, and blissful “ignorance”. Since you are SO smart I probably won’t need to spell this out, but if I do you will just correct what I say anyway… but I digress you asshole… FUCK YOU!!!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Delicious Diva” JONES:

JOSH “Pencil Prick” MUSSER:

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Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#1: The Best Service Around

On UB’s very first episode, we try and use the word propitious at some point in the show, we find out the Jerry has a knack for servicing people, Josh has the gag reflex of a beta fish, and Thoren still can’t figure out how to log into email. Also, awkward parties, cats, infomercials, and feminists as well as a special guest giving us our very first insult of the week!

Guess What You Bastards!?

“Every man can and will be responsible for their individual habits of spontaneous humping” – Mr. Jerry Jones; Doctor of Habitual Humping

So, we are going to be getting this damn thing up and running very soon, hopefully having some cool pictures and crap. Unfortunately, I am the whipping boy for the art aspect, so any stuff you wanna see, shoot us a message, ya pricks.

Also, I was masturbating while sexually asphyxiating myself with a hair dryer power cord watching the best video to get off too. It depicted several Care Bears forcibly raping a tied down homeless man who they tricked into believing they were going to lead him to a better life, but ended up getting hog tied and dragged into a violent Care Bear rape orgy. It was a pretty good one.

Anyway, Love you 😀

~Thoren

Is Your Grandma a Hooker?

If not, you probably shouldn’t let her listen to this. Otherwise, enjoy the chaotic hot mess that is Uncivilized Behavior! Stay tuned for our first episode!