#16: Awkwardly Long

This week we talk about what’s been going on during our hiatus. The word of the day is “tetrapyloctomy”. We also talk about Google Ass raping thousands of Youtubers, squid sperm, Missed Connections, retarded deaths, the invention of the food processor, and insulting Google’s greedy ass execs. Stay tuned for more updates!


– Website (finally!) and the end of a vehicular era,
– Baby Shower and the plague and the actual baby!


-tetrapyloctomy- The act of splitting a hair four ways


– Adsense and Google

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

–  Horrible Movies

-Mama’s day-Papa’s day

– Spermy the Squid http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/squid-spermatophores-stuck-diner-mouth-202402937.html


I’m getting married! – w4m

Okay, I’m not getting married…but I’m with someone now and I think we’re going to be very happy together. I think this is it. Forever.

All right, we’re not really together so to speak, you know… boyfriend and girlfriend… but we’re very important to each other… best friends really.

Well, maybe not best friends. Maybe more like just really close to each other. Really tight.

And I do mean that — really tight, really close… but maybe not in the sense of “close friends” — maybe more like close… strangers. Tight and close together in a physical manner, more than an emotional sense. But you can’t deny the sparks that flew when we, as strangers, gazed longingly into each other’s eyes, right? It was so beautiful!

Okay, not so much gazed longingly as glanced appreciatively… but the attraction was undeniable, you have to agree.

All right, maybe glanced appreciatively doesn’t describe it either. But I’m fairly sure you caught a glimpse of my forehead in your peripheral vision. A passionate glimpse. And that’s an amazing connection.

So, maybe not a connection so much as a nervous assessment. But I believe that anxiety over what we have is only natural, given the astounding sexual tension. Couldn’t you feel it rattling between us?

Perhaps the rattling had something to do with the subway train, but I really felt one with you. One with you in the sense that we were so close, we were almost one person. Maybe my body swinging into yours as the train rounded a curve was a bit jarring… but only in a way that two universes colliding could be called “a bit jarring.” You didn’t have to move away from me… it’s natural, truly. But perhaps the raw chemistry between us was too much for you. Or it might have been the heel of my boot in the arch of your foot.

I feel we were meant to be…I know you. But I don’t really know you, so if you read this, Mr. Orange-Manhattan-Portage-Bag-and-Rust-Colored-Corduroy-Jacket-on-the-R-train, sorry about tromping on your foot and ramming my bag into your gut. But Love Hurts, right? Call me?

Giant Undies

I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5’4” and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only…no perverts.

Pls be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week ..

Hello gals of Mumbai and beyond I am looking for an obnoxious girlfriend for one week to restore my glee in being single.

Nowadays I find myself stuck horribly in situations where mostly everyone I know is either in one of those relationships or is happily hitched or is finally married. I was pleased and really contented to be single for the last year but now that I have been exposed to all these happy-happy people in relationships, I’m starting to wonder really big time if I need one too.

In my head, I know I don’t (actually I’m not sure.. hehe), but let’s make this solid with an experience. This is where you figure in. I need you around for one week in the role of an awful, dreadful, terrible girlfriend to renew my so-called glee in being single.

Sweetie my requirements of you:

* -You are decently attractive which means u can simply be the ordinary girl that we usually c around town. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a decently pretty girl who is nice to look at but a total b**** otherwise.

* -Be extremely needy and fully deprived of any attention. Pls ring me twenty seven times a day, always checking where the hell I am, checking out who the hell I’m with, checking out what the hell am I doing etc.

* -Have poor or for that matter zilch manners. When we decide to go out together, I want you to not use your tissue, tip damn poorly or not at all, etcetera etcetera

* -Stare at other guys when we’re out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.

* -Don’t listen one bit when I talk, and interrupt me nearly everytime

* -Wear hideously ugly n flashy clothes,

* -Have totally absurd and wildly inaccurate info n data n unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about freakin everything u say n do.

* -Flick or rob something of mine. I will set out one predefined thing or article that you must steal from my place under any circumstances.

* -Don’t be too bothered or upset when I end things after nearly a week (and part of this deal is that I (ME, MOI.. if u get what I mean) am the only one designated to break things off). You assume and also know for sure what you’re getting into and do not form any love or awkward bond.

After the bad week is gone  we can either be pals and laugh hilariously about this, or we can pretend that we’ve never really met and ignore each other big time if we happen to meet in a public place.

So then. now u can ask me : What do you get out of this silly thingy?

At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am rich and well educated but still !). A stolen item (of my choosing). A good anecdote to tell people later. Contentment that you are also single. A super-duper chance to utter your malevolence. A dissatisfying rendezvous for both of us.

You’d be a total and absolute fool to pass up this grand opportunity! PS: I’m a nice guy … if i like u … i might just keep u 😉 Take ur chance , u neva know ….. nothing ventured – nothing gained!

Small Penis

You cannot trick me, Small Penis, into thinking you are large- by pounding away like a jackhammer. In fact, when you do this- I almost totally forget about you. I am more involved with the incessant slapping sounds of skin and flapping balls and trying to tune them out. You cannot shove and piledrive your way into my heart- bratty bullying will only make me notice you less.

Small Penis, rough fingers have tried and failed to supplement your smaller size by jamming, manhandling, and stretching my sensitive pussy in ways that make it want to barricade the door and lock down the shades.

It is true, Smally, that when I first saw you I did not get that certain rush of glee and pupil dilation that a giant cock will cause. I have small breasts- when I take off my shirt (I don’t even need a bra) I am sure I am not providing a moment that would be filmed in glorious slow motion with a soundtrack.

Small Penis, small tits are subtle. YOu can be too. You will never fill me in that “good lord YES” amusement part ride way- but, remember- that is one slice of the spectrum. If you wanted to, you could deploy in a proud and erotic way and get me off REAL GOOD multiple times. You could operate with finesse instead of screaming to be noticed.

If you could just calm down and stop the monotonous pounding, you might notice that I can ride you, squeeze you, and stroke you with my pussy. Everytime I get on top and try I soon find hands around my waste frantically lifting me up and down and all I am thinking is oh here we go again…what’s that crockpot recipe??

Small Penis, it’s time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.)

Think of yourself as an artist’s tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am loving it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated.

Riff to the Raff:
– Retarded Deaths

– Food processor by Pierre Verdun between 1963 and 1971.

This one goes out to…… Google. Just because you own the world doesn’t mean you can control the populace. Well ok it does, but just remember with tyranny comes rebellion, mother fuckers. While Larry Page and Sergey Brin are buttfucking each other on their bed of money and gold, hardworking Americans trying to make a living through creativity are going to sneak into your headquarters and shit in your processors just like when you take a dump on our chests after providing you with money making content. By the way, I finally found out what Google stands for… Gay Oppressive Overlords Grinding Leprous Erections. Yes I am that spiteful…. BITCH. Oh and one more thing before you have your company wide skat orgy for the most elite… FUCK YOU!


Plugs :

JERRY “Hangin’ By The Giant Vein” JONES:


JOSH “Boob Blood Bath” MUSSER:

-Google +



-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
hooty hoo!



1 thought on “#16: Awkwardly Long

  1. Pingback: UB #16: Awkwardly Long | Golden Pipes Entertainment

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