#16: Awkwardly Long

This week we talk about what’s been going on during our hiatus. The word of the day is “tetrapyloctomy”. We also talk about Google Ass raping thousands of Youtubers, squid sperm, Missed Connections, retarded deaths, the invention of the food processor, and insulting Google’s greedy ass execs. Stay tuned for more updates!


– Website (finally!) and the end of a vehicular era,
– Baby Shower and the plague and the actual baby!


-tetrapyloctomy- The act of splitting a hair four ways


– Adsense and Google

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

–  Horrible Movies

-Mama’s day-Papa’s day

– Spermy the Squid http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/squid-spermatophores-stuck-diner-mouth-202402937.html


I’m getting married! – w4m

Okay, I’m not getting married…but I’m with someone now and I think we’re going to be very happy together. I think this is it. Forever.

All right, we’re not really together so to speak, you know… boyfriend and girlfriend… but we’re very important to each other… best friends really.

Well, maybe not best friends. Maybe more like just really close to each other. Really tight.

And I do mean that — really tight, really close… but maybe not in the sense of “close friends” — maybe more like close… strangers. Tight and close together in a physical manner, more than an emotional sense. But you can’t deny the sparks that flew when we, as strangers, gazed longingly into each other’s eyes, right? It was so beautiful!

Okay, not so much gazed longingly as glanced appreciatively… but the attraction was undeniable, you have to agree.

All right, maybe glanced appreciatively doesn’t describe it either. But I’m fairly sure you caught a glimpse of my forehead in your peripheral vision. A passionate glimpse. And that’s an amazing connection.

So, maybe not a connection so much as a nervous assessment. But I believe that anxiety over what we have is only natural, given the astounding sexual tension. Couldn’t you feel it rattling between us?

Perhaps the rattling had something to do with the subway train, but I really felt one with you. One with you in the sense that we were so close, we were almost one person. Maybe my body swinging into yours as the train rounded a curve was a bit jarring… but only in a way that two universes colliding could be called “a bit jarring.” You didn’t have to move away from me… it’s natural, truly. But perhaps the raw chemistry between us was too much for you. Or it might have been the heel of my boot in the arch of your foot.

I feel we were meant to be…I know you. But I don’t really know you, so if you read this, Mr. Orange-Manhattan-Portage-Bag-and-Rust-Colored-Corduroy-Jacket-on-the-R-train, sorry about tromping on your foot and ramming my bag into your gut. But Love Hurts, right? Call me?

Giant Undies

I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5’4” and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only…no perverts.

Pls be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week ..

Hello gals of Mumbai and beyond I am looking for an obnoxious girlfriend for one week to restore my glee in being single.

Nowadays I find myself stuck horribly in situations where mostly everyone I know is either in one of those relationships or is happily hitched or is finally married. I was pleased and really contented to be single for the last year but now that I have been exposed to all these happy-happy people in relationships, I’m starting to wonder really big time if I need one too.

In my head, I know I don’t (actually I’m not sure.. hehe), but let’s make this solid with an experience. This is where you figure in. I need you around for one week in the role of an awful, dreadful, terrible girlfriend to renew my so-called glee in being single.

Sweetie my requirements of you:

* -You are decently attractive which means u can simply be the ordinary girl that we usually c around town. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a decently pretty girl who is nice to look at but a total b**** otherwise.

* -Be extremely needy and fully deprived of any attention. Pls ring me twenty seven times a day, always checking where the hell I am, checking out who the hell I’m with, checking out what the hell am I doing etc.

* -Have poor or for that matter zilch manners. When we decide to go out together, I want you to not use your tissue, tip damn poorly or not at all, etcetera etcetera

* -Stare at other guys when we’re out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.

* -Don’t listen one bit when I talk, and interrupt me nearly everytime

* -Wear hideously ugly n flashy clothes,

* -Have totally absurd and wildly inaccurate info n data n unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about freakin everything u say n do.

* -Flick or rob something of mine. I will set out one predefined thing or article that you must steal from my place under any circumstances.

* -Don’t be too bothered or upset when I end things after nearly a week (and part of this deal is that I (ME, MOI.. if u get what I mean) am the only one designated to break things off). You assume and also know for sure what you’re getting into and do not form any love or awkward bond.

After the bad week is gone  we can either be pals and laugh hilariously about this, or we can pretend that we’ve never really met and ignore each other big time if we happen to meet in a public place.

So then. now u can ask me : What do you get out of this silly thingy?

At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am rich and well educated but still !). A stolen item (of my choosing). A good anecdote to tell people later. Contentment that you are also single. A super-duper chance to utter your malevolence. A dissatisfying rendezvous for both of us.

You’d be a total and absolute fool to pass up this grand opportunity! PS: I’m a nice guy … if i like u … i might just keep u 😉 Take ur chance , u neva know ….. nothing ventured – nothing gained!

Small Penis

You cannot trick me, Small Penis, into thinking you are large- by pounding away like a jackhammer. In fact, when you do this- I almost totally forget about you. I am more involved with the incessant slapping sounds of skin and flapping balls and trying to tune them out. You cannot shove and piledrive your way into my heart- bratty bullying will only make me notice you less.

Small Penis, rough fingers have tried and failed to supplement your smaller size by jamming, manhandling, and stretching my sensitive pussy in ways that make it want to barricade the door and lock down the shades.

It is true, Smally, that when I first saw you I did not get that certain rush of glee and pupil dilation that a giant cock will cause. I have small breasts- when I take off my shirt (I don’t even need a bra) I am sure I am not providing a moment that would be filmed in glorious slow motion with a soundtrack.

Small Penis, small tits are subtle. YOu can be too. You will never fill me in that “good lord YES” amusement part ride way- but, remember- that is one slice of the spectrum. If you wanted to, you could deploy in a proud and erotic way and get me off REAL GOOD multiple times. You could operate with finesse instead of screaming to be noticed.

If you could just calm down and stop the monotonous pounding, you might notice that I can ride you, squeeze you, and stroke you with my pussy. Everytime I get on top and try I soon find hands around my waste frantically lifting me up and down and all I am thinking is oh here we go again…what’s that crockpot recipe??

Small Penis, it’s time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.)

Think of yourself as an artist’s tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am loving it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated.

Riff to the Raff:
– Retarded Deaths

– Food processor by Pierre Verdun between 1963 and 1971.

This one goes out to…… Google. Just because you own the world doesn’t mean you can control the populace. Well ok it does, but just remember with tyranny comes rebellion, mother fuckers. While Larry Page and Sergey Brin are buttfucking each other on their bed of money and gold, hardworking Americans trying to make a living through creativity are going to sneak into your headquarters and shit in your processors just like when you take a dump on our chests after providing you with money making content. By the way, I finally found out what Google stands for… Gay Oppressive Overlords Grinding Leprous Erections. Yes I am that spiteful…. BITCH. Oh and one more thing before you have your company wide skat orgy for the most elite… FUCK YOU!


Plugs :

JERRY “Hangin’ By The Giant Vein” JONES:


JOSH “Boob Blood Bath” MUSSER:

-Google +



-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
hooty hoo!



#12: The Transvestite Soliloquies

This week the word of the day is “borborygmus”. Jerry serenades Josh after missing last week’s word, Taking a lightning strike to the balls, if we could live without money and technology, the Disney movie “Wreck it Ralph”, licking a monkey’s ass, Mantyhose, drunk spray, and we insult flamboyant gay people!

Silly Rabbit… Notes are for kids!


– Done with education, failed robbery
– HOT AS SHIT! New glasses



-borborygmus- The rumbling sound of gas passing through the intestine

– Lightning to balls

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

– “Wreck it Ralph” http://yhoo.it/JZVGL6


– Living without money/Technology


– Lick my Hairy ass! http://now.msn.com/now/0503-licking-monkey-butt.aspx


Death Ray – Once in a lifetime opportunity!

Date: 2008-12-07, 12:10AM EST

This is a genuine Death Ray, aka home made solar oven. This thing is badass. You know how the economy’s been sucking? Well, burn up your least favorite politicians in a fiery ray of destruction and cook your dinner with the same device. Slick, eh? Since there’s a good chance, because a.) you’re reading Craigslist and b.) you’re reading the Northern Michigan section – that you’re homeless or close to becoming so, this is the perfect oven for you–it requires no electricity, and flip it over (it’s shaped like a parabola) and use it as a house.

With this Death Ray, lovingly handmade from refrigerator boxes and $30 worth of tinfoil, you could literally cook your Christmas ham and all the sides–at the same time. At over four feet tall and approximately six feet wide (when assembled) the Death Ray is sure to fill all of your cooking, living, and vaporizing needs.

Hurry to catch this special offer, as it won’t last long! Ask me with questions and for more pictures, if so desired. Please, serious offers only.

It even comes with a cardboard base so you can move it around to follow the sun’s rays. This beast was made for a physics class and got an A, but now the owner (that’s me) is tired of seeing it. It originally took three of us several weeks of intense cardboard-cutting, measuring, and tinfoil-wrapping to produce this thing. All measurements are present and correct. those sunrays will dive ecstatically to one white-hot point of heat about six inches from the bottom of the parabola.
It’s fully functional. It seemed a shame to just throw it away, not when there’s a buttload of valuable tinfoil on it. If nothing else, putting this shining Death Ray in your living room would be a powerful conversation starter.

It is made of twelve tinfoil-covered cardboard panels, three each taped into four larger panels. To put it all the way together, grab some duct tape and a friend and spend a few quality minutes wrestling the pieces into an appropriate cone. Flip it upright, plop it on the cardboard stand, and you’re ready to cook–or maybe, destruct!

Pick-up only. A normal car should be able to transport it, unassembled, although a spaceship might be more appropriate. And, in case you missed it further up, serious enquiries only. I know a genuine Death Ray is wont to make readers quite excitable, but save for congratulating me on my superior mental acuity or offering to take the lovely Death Ray off my hands, please refrain from pointless messages. I’m a busy woman. I’m currently working on the Death Ray 2–Earth Destroyer.

New Period Underwear!

Date: 2007-05-31, 7:03PM EDT

Today, I turned a perfectly good pair of panties into Period Underwear. I hate when that happens. Men may not know what Period Underwear are. I shall explain and enlighten. Period Underwear are what chicks wear when (surprise!) they’re on their period. NOTE: they start out as panties, but morph into underwear – PERIOD underwear. A few things can turn panties into Period Underwear. Here are some examples:

1. You’re wearing a capable pair of panties and the Monkey Gets a Nosebleed. It leaves an awful stain on the panties, which USUALLY can’t be removed, rendering them Period Underwear

2. They’re older panties, no longer favorites and you’d never wear them if there was a possibility you were getting laid, so you feel comfortable wearing them when Aunt Flo Comes to Visit, demoting them to Period Underwear status

3. They’re granny panties, you can’t remember why you have them and you pretty much only wear them when you’re home sick, or just plain suffering from the pain and bloat of being OTR because they’re really comfy and never ride up so they’re by default Period Underwear

4. These are nice panties, something you’ll wear even if you’re NOT Surfing the Crimson Flow and you’re not at all afraid to be seen in them but they’re dark colored (black, navy, red), thereby making them both Non-Period Panties and Period Underwear

That should do it! So men, now you know one of our dirty little secrets. If you see us in items #1 – #3, consider it notice that George is in Town. How you handle that knowledge is your affair, I’m just here to give you the low-down. If you see us in item #4, things could go either way, proceed as you wish.

Ladies, as one of THOSE commercials says, Have a Happy Period!

Your Life is Imperfect, and It’s All My Fault

Date: 2007-07-03, 4:07PM EDT

As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But I’ve failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me.

You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel.

It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America.

I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules.

And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in the 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service.

And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day.

So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.

Riff to the Raff:
– Mantyhose & Guy Gowns http://living.msn.com/style-beauty/simply-chic-blog-post/?post=621d0363-3e25-4ecc-bfc0-107f09b5e324

– Get Drunk Spray! http://yhoo.it/Ko1tv5

This one goes out to…… Unnecessarily flamboyant gay people!

First thing I have to say to you… SHUT THE FUCK UP! I KNOW you’re gay. you don’t have to flaunt it. Talking like a valley girl with a speech impediment does not just happen after you step out of your cum stained closet. Talk like you’ve always talked before. I don’t care if daddy doesn’t love you anymore. You are not rebelling by dressing in lady clothes, you’re just obnoxiously pointing out something that no one else cares about. Not to mention we probably already knew about your little secret after that time you sucked the substitute teacher’s dick in the janitor’s closet. So go ahead and keep up your bible camp shenanigans, just act like a normal douche and be done with it. All in all… FUCK YOU!


Plugs :

JERRY “Laughing Cow” JONES:

JOSH “Swampy Ass” MUSSER:

-Google +



-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Extrie Extrie!

#10: Vending Happiness

This week we return from Spring Break to some awesome Uncivilized Behavior, including new segments and special guest, Vendy, while we hunt for a new third host! In this episode, the word of the day is “Pandiculation”, we talk about weird music moods, a dead uncle, diet soda, venture capitalism, lickable wallpaper, screaming like a bitch, getting older and we insult fan girls!


– Dryer Repair!, going national?
– Birfday
– Abortion/Periods



– pandiculation- Stretching and yawning before going to bed or after waking up


– Weird Music Moods
– Fan Girl Story
– Death of a loved one

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!



– Ditching diet soda
– Newgrounds, Venture Capitalism, indie VS Corporate
– Siren


– Lickable Wallpaper http://www.geekologie.com/2012/04/spreading-disease-cookie-flavored-lickab.php

Seeking pious individuals for the coming rapture on May 22nd, 2011 – m4mw

Date: 2011-05-10, 7:43AM CDT

I am an atheist seeking friends who are pious and who will be wisked away for the rapture that kirk cameron says is coming may 22nd 2011. I will take care of your pets while you are gone. I am a very kind and loving person who loves animals. Also i get to keep all your stuff because you won’t need them as you will be in rapturous bliss basking in the love of the great creator. I, however, will need your stuff since I will be trapped here on earth with all the rest of the unclean, deniers, and cravens. I will probably try to barter all your worldly possessions for guns or food or maybe women. Unless you have a truck and a cowcatcher. I will keep those and make a killmobile which will greatly increase my chances for survival in a world with no rules and no god.

no weirdos please.

Time Travel

Date: 2010-09-24, 10:09AM MDT

I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m

Date: 2012-04-09, 3:41PM CDT

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.
You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.

Lost Shark

Date: 2012-03-13, 8:53PM PDT

Lost my shark today. Actually he escaped when I inadvertently gave him an opportunity. Had the back door open to cool the place off while he was hanging around. Made the mistake of opening the front door briefly and he shot out the back door. Tried to catch him while he swirled in a vortex above the deck, but the strong winds took through the trees and north. Last seen gaining altitude in a 20 knot breeze heading north of Ballard. Neighbors looked perplexed as he flew over their house. If you find him warm him up so he doesn’t sink. It was quite the sad sight to see him get smaller and smaller as he blew away to the north.

I am black lady in naperville need help from racist terrorists

Date: 2012-03-13, 4:17PM CDT

I am black lady in naperville, illinois 60540 being bullied and assaulted by racists terrorists. I am looking for a bodyguard help me to fight them.

— I have found out what is happening to me and somewhat why. It seems that someone reported me to authorities as a threat and they have been using big brother bully tactics to snoop, pry and spy on me. However, they came up with nothing and went away empty. However, they left me and my life in complete turmoil. Now, at this point I seeking litigation rather than a bodyguard. I lost my job and I even found evidence of a spycam in my apt. I could not find it physically but I did detect the bluetooth address; i have copy of printscreen, smart huh? and traced it to Samsung. Naperville knew about this and did not help me. in fact, I was left for dead because I had od’d on medicine and they knew it and did not give treatment. I wish someone with some power could help me … I am willing to go to a news media with story if they can figure out entire epsisode for me. They put out some comprising pictures of me to provoke me into doing something stupid so they could arrest me for something and save face. The day in question the fbi, tsa and a lot of ppl was there and I am only one lonely black lady living in an all white community. I lost my job at DirecTV and I need help!!!!!!! I have no one to turn too!!!

Does President Obama know that americans are being attacked by and destroyed by the government? How do I get my story to him? I do not have any help yet and I fear for my life from his cabinet of elected officials. How can I get the word to him? before it is too late?


Riff to the Raff:
– Bitch screams (babeh?)
– Getting younger?
– Getting Older?

– Neon lighting- Georges Claude 1910…


This one goes out to…… Fangirls

Fuck you and your incessant NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sounds as you proclaim your love and/or obsession to your chosen object of affection. While you probable 13 year old girls stand right next to your TV and rub your nipples in your fantasy boyfriend’s mouth, I’m outside living in reality. Go to your room and rip down all of your vampire knight posters (DON’T STOP TO HUMP YOUR OTAKU PILLOW!) then change your hentai vagina juice stained panties that you’ve kept on for a week, then go get some real friends. If you don’t stop your bullshit, I will stick pocky into every orifice of your body until you bleed every ounce of your ramune tainted blood onto the floor. In short…. FUUUUUUCCCCCKK YOU!

Vendy- Raptor Jesus will thrust from the ground and eat the legs of Arnold Schwarna- however the hell you say that German name, fuck it.

Plugs :

JERRY “Surely diseased” JONES

VENDY “Might be a Nazi” MACHINE:

JOSH “Fire Crotch” MUSSER:

-Google +
-Tell Your Friends!
Extrie Extrie!

#8: Fundraiser 2012 – UB “Diggin’ Deep”

This week marks Golden Pipes Entertainment’s first annual fundraiser event for all of the shows! You’ll notice this is a very raw recording of the full 5 hours of our live fundraiser so don’t expect all the fancy bells and whistles and organization of usual. Also, enjoy the Voice Acting Radio episode that happens toward the beginning! You can find more of that show on voiceactingradio.com! A big thanks to all of those who showed up and supported us! This episode of UB has all of the classic segments plus gives birth to a couple of new ideas to try on the show. Enjoy!

UB’s Notes… HAND OFF!




– qualtagh- The first person you see after leaving your house


– Times in your life where you get screwed in every way (we don’t mean rape though… or do we?)… Yes we do. As a matter of fact, rape is the only way.
– Road Work

– your week

Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!


– Be dragged by a truck through a large field covered in broken glass, used needles, and salt
OR have your limbs chewed off (at the shoulders and hips) by an albino coyote that has only three good teeth.

– Be killed by being thrown out of a plane at 30,000 feet with no parachute OR by being drowned in a body of water by having weights attached to your ankles and your hands bound

– Have your fingers and toes broken slowly one at a time by twisting them counter-clockwise with a pair of pliers OR have all pierce-able parts of your body (penis included) be pierced at least twice by a large hairy clumsy man named Betty

– Perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on a  mountain man with wildly overgrown and undergroomed facial hair and has never used a dental hygiene product in his life, thus giving him an acute case of gingivitis and halitosis as well as causing some of his rotten putrid teeth to come off in your mouth whilst you are performing said “kiss of life” OR have 5 equally disgusting individuals take turns covering you in whatever bodily secretion they can muster up from their bodies (any kind of secretion)

– Be forced to lance a huge festering boil off of the ass of your very aged grandpa that wears diapers and has lost the ability to clean himself and make sure to get every last chunky, slimy, bloody, odoriferous piece of infested flesh and pus with your bare hands (no gloves or gauze allowed) OR Drink a pint of the foulest, most disgusting juices, and materials  that have accumulated in a busy city hospital (this includes saliva samples, feces, urine, blood and any other things produced on or in a human body) the contents of the pint have not been sterilized and have aged for one month so that all the contents have coagulated together to form a bubbling mass that smells like a mixture of  sweaty feet and a fully occupied nursing home.


– Running out of Helium
– The supernatural?
– death by helium


– Because we don’t do enough for the ladies



I Need a Harpoon

Date: 2009-10-29, 10:18AM PDT

In the spirit of forsaking the mutually sexist paradigm of sexy Halloween costumes, I have decided to be an Eskimo. I am fully aware that I have traded a sexually offensive concept for a potentially racially charged one, but I’m half native, so I figure it’s like black people saying the N-word. Right? Right.

I’m tired of seeing 8 year old reflections of my former self wandering around rainy old Stumptown on a holiday asking for candy while wearing a Fifteenth generation power rangers costume. It makes this Eskimo very sad and want to shelter him with my parka.

My own personal conflicts (which are many) aside, I require a harpoon for the ensemble. I have tried to fashion one, but the craftiness of my ancestors got lost somewhere, probably in a smallpox blanket. Said blanket will make me very dead and I have some parties I’d like to attend this weekend before that happens.

So, I am willing to drive my meager transportation to your corner of Portland or vicinity and pick up your cumbersome, bulky, takes-up-all-the-patio-space harpoon for absolutely FREE. No money will change hands because I am unwilling to pay for a one-time-use item. It might as well be disposable, but I don’t think they make disposable harpoons. I’m not planning to take up whaling after this weekend, so you can rest assured, Keiko will not die at your hands. Unless you plan to kill that beast in your free time, I won’t judge you. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to acquire a harpoon.

I am accident prone, so the duller the better. Think your harpoon is in too poor of shape to give to me? You’re wrong, fool. The Older and rustier, the better.

Bring on the second hand harpoons!

Dear stripper, – m4w

Date: 2009-10-27, 6:24PM MST

Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,

You were beautiful. 5’8” with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in… Well you know.

I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.

I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry.


To the girl I had drunk sex with last night – m4w

Date: 2009-10-24, 9:14PM PDT

Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn’t it! You can end up doing the craziest things!

Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed.

Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don’t remember meeting you. I don’t remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don’t know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.

We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That’s great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don’t remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.

Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don’t regret it, though. I just have two questions.

What’s your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?

1,325 Pope Hats

Date: 2009-07-07, 3:17PM MST

Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one. My dogs will not but they are not very nice and always hate being dressed up like for Halloween when we tried to dress them up like batman but they became very very agitated and bit a neighbors kid. I will lock the dogs up when you come get all of these pope hats.

My wife is a devout catholic and she finds the presence of all of these pope hats all over the house to be blasphemous. I have pope hats in every closet, pope hats under the sing, pope hats full of other pope hats. She will not stop talking to me about getting rid of the pope hats and has started lighting candles all over the house for my soul but these pope hats are extremely flammable so its a problem in my house (there are pope hats everywhere)

I payed 10x what I’m asking for when I bought these pope hats. I still think there is a market for them maybe when the economy turns around. Act NOW! Don’t miss this great deal! I have 1,325 total (I counted this morning). 3 of them have some dog bites and one of them is burnt to a crisp, but you can take that one or leave it. Bring 2-3 strong friends.

Cute Stool Sample Nurse – m4w

Date: 2009-05-20, 4:10PM CDT

On April 8th, I came out from the restroom in your office on Blanco at Bitters and you were sitting there, half-hidden by the frosted sliding glass window. Sandy blonde hair, purple scrubs, sitting at the desk with that cute smile that some orthodontist must have been very proud of. I handed you my sample cautiously. It was slumped to the side of the clear container, slightly smeared and mushed at the top from where I had to break it off to fit the lid on the jar. You gave me a cute grin and asked the silly phrase “Did everything come out OK?”, to which I stuttered out a broken ‘yes’.

It felt like an eternity as I stood there, mesmerized, before I realized that it was just plain awkward. I promptly left the office in embarrassment and thought of you for most of that evening, graciously accepting my excretions, smiling while doing so.

I have been back but have not seen you there. I made an appt. for problems with diarrhea and when you weren’t there, I took the cup home, in hopes of bringing it back at a time when you, and your beautiful smile, were present. I wish I could find a different, and less embarrassing, affliction to be treated for, but your head physician specializes in that type of diagnosis.

If you read this, and felt same connection I did, please email me back.

– Our predictions for the future
– double standards

– The French’s Contributions (Photography) … still hate though


This one goes out to…… people with BUMPER STICKERS!!!

What the fuck?!?! Do you arrogant morons really think that by slapping some gimmicky sticker on the ass of your car is going to change my opinions or my life? I mean, I get the idea… you want to express yourself and/or spread a message. If you want to do that, then why don’t you fucking get under a politician’s desk and gob his knob for a few months so you can get your voice heard like every other whore in this country? But no, instead your fat lazy ass feels like devaluing your piece of shit Geo metro by putting “your” thoughts on the back of it so you can spread “your” message to the people behind you in the burger king drive through as the Geo strains under your fat ass to pull forward to the next window.

Also, don’t you think there’s something wrong with the whole “give us your money so you can share your thoughts on world peace” thing? If you’re gonna be that complacent, you might as well be original! Write your own goddamn material! Pasting strips of writing all over your car will take you back to the good old days when you wrote about how you were sexually confused in your emo diary.

By the way, if someone out there really has an epiphany due to one of these bumper gems, you should have probably died a long time ago, so do the world a favor and go buy 1000 bumper stickers so you can suffocate yourself with them.

Finally, if I have to see one more fucking mini-van with “all the characters in your family” on the back window, I will steal away into the night, break into your house and peel off every one’s faces so I can slap them on the back of your van so everyone can see the REAL assholes inside of it.

And one last thing bumper sticker people…. FUCK YOU!



THOREN: I can be found on the moon base.


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#6: Gay Porn Isn’t Gay (Yes it is)

This week we have a special guest, Andrew Dryden from Voice Acting Radio, in place of Thoren during his absence. Our word of the day is Interfenestration and we talk about Valentine’s Day, exterminating bugs, Josh’s WYR’s, the gayest things we’ve ever done, our special missed connections, dumb ass inventions, and we insult Road Cyclists. Overall, I believe we’ve found out more about each other than we ever cared to know…

Notes for Nancys:

Ep. 6


How was your week?
-Super Bowl (and commercials)
-Business & clumsiness
-Andrew’s new Vita

-interfenestration- The space between two windows

Riff Raff the first
-Valentine’s Day
-Stuffy nose
– Exterminating

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

– Would you rather have sanders pressed against your bare nipples for 10 minutes on high
Have your nutsack weedwacked for 10 minutes with fresh wackers.

– Drink a full cup of sweat collected from the fattest, hairyest gooch on earth that hasn’t been washed in a month
suck the gritty thick puss out of a back zit the size of your fist.

– Grind your teeth on gravel for a 1/4 mile
let a roach lay eggs in both of you ears.

– Shave your finger and toe nails off with a razor blade
Grate your elbows and knees with a cheese grater down to the bone.

– Get ass raped by a rhino horn
stick a white hot needle in your dick hole.

RIFF to the RAFF:
– Snow: People’s reactions
– Gayest thing you’ve ever done
– Camel Boy


-Children’s guillotine- Looking to get rid of this children’s size guillotine, only used once. Has been cleaned and recently oiled, sure to make any child happy!




-condoms and door knobs

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc… What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up. I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs penis butt me know.


Rickity Riff Raff:
– 4 chan

– Dumb ass inventions

– Still Hating the French


Road Cyclists- this goes out to you! I hate you and your inability to find a place to ride your fucking bikes someplace other than where I am trying to drive my automobile. You and your skin tight spandex that shows every last nuance of your ass need to get out of the way. I have better things to do than search my conscious and see whether or not I can handle vehicular homicide charges on my record. So here’s a suggestion go find a fucking mountain or public park to ride your stupid ass $300 bike in or on and stay out of my fucking way. In case you are not getting the message, let me make it abundantly clear… FUCK YOU!

-Jerry butt plugs
-Faggoat Plugs

-Josh Plugs

-Google +
Goodbyes and Surprise

#5: The Crooner

This week: Josh sings a power ballad as his redemption for missing last week’s word of the day, this word of the day being quantophrenia. We also talk about eating weird things, hugging maniacs, the most sick Would you Rathers that Jerry has come up with, flea markets, fart gambling, Missed Connections, Guilty pleasures, and insulting Stay at home moms.

Notes for people who are nosey:

Ep. 5


How your week went (blah, blah, blah)
– Taxes
– Trade show, improv, and eyes
– Hazzah, Fiverr

JOSH WILL SING: Little Mermaid (part of that world) and blood will run (from our ears)

WORD OF THE DAY: quantophrenia- an obsessive reliance on mathematical methods or results

– Sushi- Other weird things you eat
– Huggers
– “I don’t wanna sound gay” (too late)

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

-walk barefooted on rusty nails that are all sticking point up and guaranteed to give you tinnitus for 300 feet OR walk the same distance on razor blades that have been used to chop cocaine into lines
-Have a 400 pound hairy norwegian man bathe your whole body with his unwashed musty scrotum OR cover you in his fishy smelling, corn filled, ass hair infused, shit
-drink a glass of cud filled, slimy, warm cow saliva OR ingest the cold, stinking, sticky remains of 5 dead banana slugs
-Eat someone’s warm, freshly purged,  mucus laden, nacho vomit in its entirety OR eat a used urinal cake and wash it down with the dirty urine and feces tainted mop water from the gas station bathroom it was in (the whole bucket).
-chew a piece of toenail off the dirty infected pus covered foot of a homeless man OR make out with his sweaty, rashy, odiferous, hairy, lice filled armpit (where it is guartanteed that hair will come off in your mouth)

RIFFLE RAFFLE: skippity scapel
– Flea Markets -other places you shop
– Snagglepuss
– Fart gambling


Jedi Needed To Induce Labor

Date: 2011-06-15, 5:35PM EDT

I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.
I was hoping that tonight’s full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I’m looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way’s of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you!

  • Location: Springfield, MA
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: Used Light Saber

Jogging Partner

Date: 2011-05-26, 9:09PM CDT

I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape.
I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don’t know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog. Three nights a week. If you’re capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee.

a big healthy shit

Date: 2010-01-24, 6:13PM CST

come and get it while it’s still fresh has corn in it from the other night looks to be about a pound looking to trade it for a nice speed boat or something fuck i dont know email me with what your willing to trade 100 bucks takes this awesome keep sake it’s a must have trust me!

penis caught in my zipper at el biet – m4w

Date: 2010-01-01, 10:21PM EST

i had just gone in for a normal pee, but the way you pounded, and pounded, and pounded on the door screaming “out! i have diarrhea! out! for the love of god come out, its coming out of my butt, pleeeeease!!!” got me so turned on that i got an erection. then, because your kicking started splintering the door, i quickly yanked up my zipper and caught my penis up in the process. i’m sorry again for the screaming as you pushed me down and sat down with the door hanging off it’s hinges, but the look of sheer horror and embarrassment we shared in front of the staff and other patrons looking on before you ran out the back door and climbed over the fence has captured my heart. please describe what i was wearing so i know its you.

Manhood Camping

Date: 2011-05-08, 7:35PM PDT

Manhood Camping Firequest. Lookin’ for a 100% for real bros to share/experience manhood in all its glory. This is for real, I don’t want to waste my time or yours. 100% JO and manhood, no sugar added. I AM NOT GAY. Don’t even think this is a sex thing, it’s all about manhood.

Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests.


Gonna need some basic things/skills, I don’t want to be slowed down by fools:

– must be in reasonable shape, if you get winded walking then stay home
– Ed Hardy camping gear, it’s really good gear and it’s awesome
– desire to be a man among men
– not afraid to wield a blade
– crystal, I’m not sharing mine
– must be able to make a fire
– gloves
– a knowledge of native vegetation (knowledge of psychotropic fungus a plus)
– knowledge of modern music
– protective/splash resistant eye wear
– 5 – 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use

We are gonna need a mobile music device, ipod or something. I’m bringing the music for the firequests and visionquests, Nickleback’s The Long Road. I only have it on CD, so I’ll have my discman as a last resort, an ipod would be nicer. Just sayin’.

Dont’ want to see”

– bad attitudes
– gay/homoerotic behavior, this is a manhood thing. I AM NOT GAY.
– cock rings, can’t keep it up w/o help, you aren’t gonna make it on this quest
– firearms, there’s gonna be enough guns going off and spent shells to pick up
– the nerds/dorks/lames/and anyone less than 100% into manhood.

If you are serious, then I promise you this will be the trip of your life. It will change the way you think. I’m serious, and I AM NOT GAY. To see a group of bros being men, a JO circle by a camp fire. The charge/energy in the air. Crystals get jacked, no lie. You will slip into a different frame of mind, you will feel electric.

Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there.



Rickity Riff Raff:
– “The Loogie” -Other times getting in trouble for no reason.
– Guilty Pleasures
– Still fucking hate the French


This one goes out to…. Stay at home moms. You are all worthless wastes of lives. I’m ashamed to breathe the same air as you. At this point your brain doesn’t need that much oxygen so why are you so goddamn selfish? Speaking of selfish… while you’re supposed to be home taking care of your 17 children, you’re out getting sloshed with your Sarah Jessica Parker wannabe friends at the local Arbys mixing vodka into your diet coke. I sit at a booth nearby and all I hear is you talking shit about some kid on your son’s soccer team who’s just not as good as your kid, then cackling like a witch gargling the delivery man’s cock. But you and I both know you wanna fuck him. And speaking of COCK, you and your group of hens for friends sitting around in your book club just waiting for a fox to enter your hen house. Next time you leave your 2 year old at the top of the stares to live your life, go get yourself your 43rd botox injection and throw yourself in front of a train you Mary Poppins British bitches! I can’t stand your stupid umbrella and your trolla lola la bullshit. So, in summary…. FUCK YOU! (this does not apply to stay at home dads… cause they are awesome. Especially those in Georgia)

-Jerry plugs
-Thoren Plugs
-Josh Plugs
-Google +
Goodbyes and Surprise

#4: Filling Your Grapefruit Sized Hole

This week on Uncivilized Behavior: Our word of the day is abcedarian, old people, things that scared us as children, various vomit inducing Would You Rathers, introducing a new segment called Missed Connections as presented in our very special way, dirty jokes, insulting people who back into parking spaces, and Jerry is left behind at the end of the show.

Also, please say hello to our new sponsor: Cocktails With Punch! Click on the link on the right side of our website to see what it’s all about!

PS: Josh didn’t say the word of the day…

Here are the show notes if anyone cares:

Uncivilized Behavior
Episode 4

– Our Weeks
– How does our government function?
– Vehicular homicide (car troubles)
– Workin out like a mother fucker

Word of the Day
-abecedarian- a beginner in any field of learning.

Riff Raff
– Old People (Again)
– Being “labeled”
– What scared you as a kid


– Poopy time fun shapes!

Would You Rather…
-Get a root canal by a blind dentist with Parkinson’s disease (you have to sit through the entire session no matter how long it takes)
Go through a three month intensive anal canal and anus stretching process (the end result being a grapefruit sized cavity)

– Nail your penis to a 2×4 from the head of your dick, to the base of the shaft with a series of coffin nails (making sure the nail is protruding from the other side of the board)
Be skinned from your elbows to your fingers and knees to your toes and thrown into a vat of salt while listening to “Uptown Girl.”

– Have your testicles pushed into your pelvic cavity till they tear through your intestines and come popping out of your ass, dangling like two pathetic nuggets.
Have your teeth ripped slowly out of your head with pliers, then the teeth are turned around and shoved back into your head reversed.

– Take a straw, sip up and swallow all the thick crusted saliva straight from the mouths of all the residents of an elderly person’s care home (doesn’t matter if the clientele have expired in their warm little stained old people beds)
Have a transient defecate into your anus, transferring the stool into your body, which you are required to keep inside you for the duration of the next three days.

– Drink a months worth collection of vaginal juices from B. Arthur from the Golden Girls
Be gang banged by crazed chimpanzees with rabies

Riff Raff (Part Duex)
– Anonymous (Hacked CBS.com)
– Newt Gingrich wants Moon Colony by 2020
– News headlines/ common wording, etc…

What The Fuck?

Missed Connections

Riff Raff (The Third)
– Dirty Jokes (Peter Pumpkin Eater) – I got a lot of them [in my pocket]
– PG-13 movies… “make it fuckin R-rated!”
– The Fench – I hate them… damnit

Insult of the Week!
– This goes out to … People who back into parking spaces: You pretentious sons of bitches. Those of you who feel the need to back into parking spots while holding everyone else up. If you can back it in the first place then why not fucking back out?! Someone as inconsiderate as you should have a hot muffler shoved into your anus releasing methane gases through a tube and leading back into your mouth. You should be used to it since your head is always stuck up your own ass. And you drive your damn car like a fucking boat. Slow and stupid. If you can’t handle your vehicle, then buy a smaller one. You people act like your driving a shuttle bus. I can’t stand your old person, ricky tick bullshit. It amazes me you can get up in the morning and remember to breath. Same goes for you stupid cunts with your bug eye sunglasses, texting and looking like a stuck up bitch. I hope a transient cuts your face so it reflects your worthless insides.

Either way you look at it, backing into a space is a waste of time and counter productive. It takes just as much time! If you pull forward to the next space and you are parked, ready to go, kudos to you, but if you waste our god damn time backing up into a space with your display of inadequate motor skills, spare us the stupidity. The fact you exist is enough in this world.

From all of us, to the worthless you, Fuck You!

– Thoren plugs
– Jerry Plugs
– Josh Plugs
– Fiverr
– Fundraiser
– Donate
– Website
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– Goodbyes and super fun surprise