#14: You Won’t Like Him When He’s Angry

This week, the word of the day is “Mytacism”. We have an rare sighting of the enraged Jerry Jones, we talk about Facebook stock, “The Dictator”, cupcake sausages, a post-op beauty pageant contestant, and we insult every person in the world!

You want notes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE NOTES!!! Fine you can have them…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– no time for shit!
– Tropico 4

WORD OF THE DAY:

-mytacism- The incorrect or excessive use of the letter M

Riffle:

– Facebook Stock

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  “The Dictator” What the fuck is wrong with you Sascha Baron Cohen!?

Raffle:

– Over agressive-ness

WTF;
– Cupcake Turds http://www.geekologie.com/2012/05/cupcakewurst-grillable-cupcakes-in-sausa.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters – m4w


You! Slim, with the black hair We had the whole floor of the law library (now apparently being renovated) to ourselves. It was late at night, we were both stealing glances at each other. We got around to talking at last, and I asked you if you were going to be studying all night. “Oh yes, all night,” you said, pausing to smile invitingly before you added, “At least, that’s the plan…” There were plenty of empty, dark rooms, offering stupid amounts of fooling-around possibilities to us. But you ended up being too scared to go beyond anything but the blind under-the-table groping, constantly scanning the area as if some unseen (possibly Catholic?) authority figure was going to leap upon us–“Fornicators!”–and, I don’t know, lock us in a frightening gun store bondage basement to be sodomized (which would seemingly contradict the whole Catholic impression I first had). Anyway, for some reason, the countless shadowed nooks and crannies we could have been cavorting in seemed less favorable to you than our table in the middle of the room, devoid of any cover whatsoever. Maybe you were afraid I would murder you or something? Whatever. The building closed. I left frustrated that we had come so close to a possibly fulfilling impromptu encounter.

And you! Really hot blonde in the PCL lab that one night! We made out for a minute or two, I got handfuls of your great ass through your tights. We heard somebody coming around the corner, broke apart, waited for them to pass. After that you seemed to lose your nerve, even though we were literally standing right in front of an empty room no one had any reason to enter! You were convinced that somebody would walk in on us. So our encounter, which had only just been starting to get really hot, came to an abrupt and lame “separate-ways” ending. I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God. Against all the world. It could have been so good.

And goddamn you, gorgeous short-haired brunette with the Death From Above 1979 tote bag and great taste in music who I ran into in the Union. The place was practically dead, and those bathroom stalls on the third floor are impossibly clean! I tried to explain this to you, but you, too, lacked the courage, convinced that we would be heard.

Please UT girls. I like private home-made sex as much as anybody, but these opportunities are rare goddamned semi-public-sex unicorns. They will not roam the halls of the retirement home you will eventually inhabit once your children have back-stabbed you and imprisoned you there. By then you will be drooling and possibly rambling about the time uncle Jo left all the cat food out and the cat ate too much of it and my it smelled awful in that house for days until the cat finally died and a wild “ky-oat” or summit dragged the carcass into the forest one night and oh are you my husband?

Just make this semester a little more exciting.

Taxidermied hamsters for sale

I have a family of taxidemied hamsters for sale. They are perfect for the kid who wants a hamster but you know damn well won’t take care of them. Just buy a cage, pose them in it and tell the kids to enjoy. If the kids ask why they aren’t moving just explain to them that happy hamsters keep still. These hamsters were originally bought with love and taken care of very well. Then, as is usually the case with my little ba**** kid, he lost interest and kept forgetting to feed them. One by one they dropped off. I couldn’t bear to flush these cute things down the toilet so I bought a taxidermy kit and stuffed them. The best part about these guys is that they won’t soil the cage or cost anything in food! They’ll just give hours of pleasure like live hamsters. Call or e-mail me with an offer so that you can begin your new life as a hamster owner! [number deleted]

Thanks,
Joe “Buzzy”

Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work…


Ok, I get it. You had to rub one out. I know the feeling. Maybe it was thinking about that totally hot little minx in purchasing that got you going. Or you got some steamy email from your wife. Whatever it was, you just needed a little release. We’ve all been there my friend.

But if I may be so bold as to offer a few tips?

1. Location Location Location – Maybe it was the bathroom closest to your desk. Maybe it has bigger stalls for more elbow room. But whatever the reason, the bathroom just off the factory floor is not your best choice. It is huge for a reason. There are about 80-90 workers on that factory floor at all times, plus about 30-40 office workers, and there’s almost always at least one person who needs to take a squirt.

2. Silence is Golden – While we all might empathize with your situation, NO ONE WANTS YOU HEAR YOU SLAP YOUR SALAMI!! And we certainly don’t want to hear the gentle grunts you were letting out. It was like being forced to listen to the audio of a bad gay porn soundtrack, minus the cheesy Casio keyboard jazz/funk fusion music. Keep it down, will ya?

3. Ms Manners says… – Ok, so you had a poor choice in bathrooms and you are just naturally loud. Even elemental problems such as these can be overcome by following rule #3. When someone comes into the bathroom….STOP!!! Seriously, I’d think that would be the easiest rule to follow. Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn’t that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

4. Good fences make good neighbors – This is the most important rule of all. If you have been caught rubbing one out in the men’s room, do not, under any circumstances, come out of your stall until all affected parties have left the bathroom. I’m never going to be able to get the picture out of my head of you going over to the sink right next to the one I was at, and looking at me in your mirror with a big contented smile while you’re washing your hands.

They don’t make a body soap strong enough for the ick I felt after that. No amount of showering tonight will do it I’m afraid.

Oh no fatty. That food’s not for you.

Hey fatbottom, don’t think I don’t see you coveting the kitten’s rich tasty kitten food. So knock it off, cause you ain’t getting any.

You can hatch evil plans to acquire the tasty food all you want, but let me remind you, you’re a cat, and your strategies have been at best dismal failures. Let’s refresh, shall we?

You headbutted the kitten away from her food. This was your best strategy to date, and you actually got to snarf down some of good stuff until I caught you, and you were greeted by your arch nemesis, Captain Squirtgun and his sidekick Lieutenant My-Foot-To-Yo-Fat-Ass. Me 1, Tubbins 0

Brute Force no longer an option, you decided to go stealth ops. Lurk, waiting for the kitten to wander, then you swoop in on a high speed raid. That didn’t work out so well for you either did it? Why not? Cause at 20 something lbs, you don’t ‘swoop’ very stealthy. There’s a reason Possums hunt at night- because they’d starve otherwise… just like you’re doing now. Me 2, Sumo-cat 0

Taking no chances and sick of having to guard the kitten bowl until she was done, I decided kitten gets to eat up on the counter. You hate that more than anything don’t you? I can just see the resentment in your pudgy face. Why does she get to eat steak up there, when I’m eating compressed dust down here? Because I know you can’t get up to the counter without a loud distinctive grunt and making a calamity trying to wiggle your raccoon-ass between the wall and the toaster. Me 3, Fatty 0.

Clearly I own you. In all senses of the word. You really ought to just get used to the Vet’s prescribed food. You’re gonna be eating it for at least a decade, which is forever as far as you’re concerned.

Riff to the Raff:
– Would you think she’s hot? http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/trangendered-miss-universe-canada-contestant-takes-stage-172200662.html

GET FRENCHED:
– Modern dentistry by Pierre Fauchard

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… everyone! I fucking hate you all.

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Baby Back Ribs” JONES:

JOSH “Burnt Cracker” MUSSER:

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-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

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#11: Bubble Bum

This week special guest Casey Tigue joins us on the show! The word of the day is “lalochezia” (Jerry did not say it in compliance with the rules). We talk about Dick Clark,  on the new segment Media Moneyshot we mention “Ted” the movie, Civil Suits, Real life barbie, how we would steal the crown jewels, how the French invented Codeine, and we insult people who take things way too seriously!

AHHHHHH NOTES!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Utter Laziness
– Research, caffeine withdrawals
– Casey has nothing to talk about!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– lalochezia-The use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain

Riffle:

–  Dick Clark

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Ted” http://www.tedisreal.com/

Raffle:

– Civil Suits

WTF:

– Real Life Barbie
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/real-life-barbie-stirs-debate-over-cosmetic-surgery-155921833.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinking in public – m4w


Date: 2008-06-01, 4:46PM CDT



We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn’t even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it’s not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn’t have to go if I don’t want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you’re being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We’d have to go dutch since I’ll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don’t suspect you’ll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing “stella” with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It’d be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY


Date: 2008-04-19, 2:10PM EDT



For the longest time, I have admired the dynamic between this cross species couple. But then, sometime during the 80s, a commercial for the Muppets: Live on Stage added a new dimension. In it, a stretch limousine was pulling up in front of a theater. A footman opened the door, and a shapely, rather thick leg stepped onto the red carpet. As the rest of the form followed, it was revealed that it belonged to a woman wearing a full bodied Miss Piggy costume under an alluring evening dress. AND I WANTED HER. And, to be quite honest, I’ve never stopped.

Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows � for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask.

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick – m4w


Date: 2007-12-15, 9:31PM PST



I want to fuck a peroxide-blonde richbitch daddy’s girl. I want to fuck a hotter, younger, stupider (if possible) version of Ann Coulter. You preferably grew up on Mercer Island and had your 16th birthday shown on “My Super Sweet 16.” It’s okay if you’re only a republican because your parents are and you don’t even know how many houses Congress has. At the very least I want to fuck a girl who wears a cross and thinks the Iraq War is a great idea.

I’m am a skinny-jean wearing hipster who goes to Evergreen, supports Dennis Kucinich and only listens to mix tapes of obscure 70’s pop.
I am sick of cool, interesting girls who are more likely to make out with other girls than me.

I want the most bland, insipid cockgobbler on this side of the Cascades. I’ve always wanted to blow my load in your lip-glossed, bubble-gum chewing mouth, but class, social groups and a sense of morality have prevented me.

Your pictures get my smarmy pretension.

We met over a steaming pile of turds. . .


Date: 2007-07-27, 3:26PM EDT



Me- I was picking up my dog’s shit, following the law, minding my own business.

You- old woman who looked like a broomstick with a bad weave- who said to me mid-scoop “you shouldn’t let your dog do that (poop), he should do it over there (points to middle of street)”

I just wanted to say I should’ve gotten your phone number, but I was just too angry to ask. You see, I felt a real connection between us. The audacity of an old bag to yell at my (4 pound puppy nonetheless) dog for shitting, having the shit picked up and then properly thrown away, overwhelmed me with rage. And I like to surround myself with petty, trite people that fill me with rage. My shrink says it’s ‘constructive.’

So how about this, give me your number and the next time my dog needs to take a shit I’ll drop you a line, come over, and let him shit in your wrinkled crusty mouth.

then coffee?

Riff to the Raff:
– how to be a cat burglar

GET FRENCHED:
– Codeine first isolated in 1832 by Pierre Robiquet

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… people who take things way too seriously. Why don’t you go jump off a cliff you stupid cunts, and while you’re on your descent try and find your sense of humor on the way down. It would be nice to be able to tell a joke once in a while, but then you,  and your easily offended asshole come waltzing in… killing my buzz and cock blockin my jokes. It’s called Sarcasm, genius. Just like when your mother says that she loves you. She should have shaken you as an infant. So the next time start to furrow your brow while everyone else in the room is laughing, go out to a garbage dump and crush your “funny bones” in a trash compactor. In case you haven’t gotten it yet… The jokes on you! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Casey-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Cunnalingus” JONES:

CASEY “Pineapple Dick” TIGUE:
@theunderscorewizfish

JOSH “Pasty Pants” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!