#12: The Transvestite Soliloquies

This week the word of the day is “borborygmus”. Jerry serenades Josh after missing last week’s word, Taking a lightning strike to the balls, if we could live without money and technology, the Disney movie “Wreck it Ralph”, licking a monkey’s ass, Mantyhose, drunk spray, and we insult flamboyant gay people!

Silly Rabbit… Notes are for kids!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Done with education, failed robbery
– HOT AS SHIT! New glasses

JERRY SINGS!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-borborygmus- The rumbling sound of gas passing through the intestine
Riffle:

– Lightning to balls

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Wreck it Ralph” http://yhoo.it/JZVGL6

Raffle:

– Living without money/Technology

WTF:

– Lick my Hairy ass! http://now.msn.com/now/0503-licking-monkey-butt.aspx

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Death Ray – Once in a lifetime opportunity!


Date: 2008-12-07, 12:10AM EST



This is a genuine Death Ray, aka home made solar oven. This thing is badass. You know how the economy’s been sucking? Well, burn up your least favorite politicians in a fiery ray of destruction and cook your dinner with the same device. Slick, eh? Since there’s a good chance, because a.) you’re reading Craigslist and b.) you’re reading the Northern Michigan section – that you’re homeless or close to becoming so, this is the perfect oven for you–it requires no electricity, and flip it over (it’s shaped like a parabola) and use it as a house.

With this Death Ray, lovingly handmade from refrigerator boxes and $30 worth of tinfoil, you could literally cook your Christmas ham and all the sides–at the same time. At over four feet tall and approximately six feet wide (when assembled) the Death Ray is sure to fill all of your cooking, living, and vaporizing needs.

Hurry to catch this special offer, as it won’t last long! Ask me with questions and for more pictures, if so desired. Please, serious offers only.

It even comes with a cardboard base so you can move it around to follow the sun’s rays. This beast was made for a physics class and got an A, but now the owner (that’s me) is tired of seeing it. It originally took three of us several weeks of intense cardboard-cutting, measuring, and tinfoil-wrapping to produce this thing. All measurements are present and correct. those sunrays will dive ecstatically to one white-hot point of heat about six inches from the bottom of the parabola.
It’s fully functional. It seemed a shame to just throw it away, not when there’s a buttload of valuable tinfoil on it. If nothing else, putting this shining Death Ray in your living room would be a powerful conversation starter.

It is made of twelve tinfoil-covered cardboard panels, three each taped into four larger panels. To put it all the way together, grab some duct tape and a friend and spend a few quality minutes wrestling the pieces into an appropriate cone. Flip it upright, plop it on the cardboard stand, and you’re ready to cook–or maybe, destruct!

Pick-up only. A normal car should be able to transport it, unassembled, although a spaceship might be more appropriate. And, in case you missed it further up, serious enquiries only. I know a genuine Death Ray is wont to make readers quite excitable, but save for congratulating me on my superior mental acuity or offering to take the lovely Death Ray off my hands, please refrain from pointless messages. I’m a busy woman. I’m currently working on the Death Ray 2–Earth Destroyer.

New Period Underwear!


Date: 2007-05-31, 7:03PM EDT



Today, I turned a perfectly good pair of panties into Period Underwear. I hate when that happens. Men may not know what Period Underwear are. I shall explain and enlighten. Period Underwear are what chicks wear when (surprise!) they’re on their period. NOTE: they start out as panties, but morph into underwear – PERIOD underwear. A few things can turn panties into Period Underwear. Here are some examples:

1. You’re wearing a capable pair of panties and the Monkey Gets a Nosebleed. It leaves an awful stain on the panties, which USUALLY can’t be removed, rendering them Period Underwear

2. They’re older panties, no longer favorites and you’d never wear them if there was a possibility you were getting laid, so you feel comfortable wearing them when Aunt Flo Comes to Visit, demoting them to Period Underwear status

3. They’re granny panties, you can’t remember why you have them and you pretty much only wear them when you’re home sick, or just plain suffering from the pain and bloat of being OTR because they’re really comfy and never ride up so they’re by default Period Underwear

4. These are nice panties, something you’ll wear even if you’re NOT Surfing the Crimson Flow and you’re not at all afraid to be seen in them but they’re dark colored (black, navy, red), thereby making them both Non-Period Panties and Period Underwear

That should do it! So men, now you know one of our dirty little secrets. If you see us in items #1 – #3, consider it notice that George is in Town. How you handle that knowledge is your affair, I’m just here to give you the low-down. If you see us in item #4, things could go either way, proceed as you wish.

Ladies, as one of THOSE commercials says, Have a Happy Period!

Your Life is Imperfect, and It’s All My Fault


Date: 2007-07-03, 4:07PM EDT



As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But I’ve failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me.

You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel.

It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America.

I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules.

And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in the 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service.

And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day.

So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.

Riff to the Raff:
– Mantyhose & Guy Gowns http://living.msn.com/style-beauty/simply-chic-blog-post/?post=621d0363-3e25-4ecc-bfc0-107f09b5e324

GET FRENCHED:
– Get Drunk Spray! http://yhoo.it/Ko1tv5

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Unnecessarily flamboyant gay people!

First thing I have to say to you… SHUT THE FUCK UP! I KNOW you’re gay. you don’t have to flaunt it. Talking like a valley girl with a speech impediment does not just happen after you step out of your cum stained closet. Talk like you’ve always talked before. I don’t care if daddy doesn’t love you anymore. You are not rebelling by dressing in lady clothes, you’re just obnoxiously pointing out something that no one else cares about. Not to mention we probably already knew about your little secret after that time you sucked the substitute teacher’s dick in the janitor’s closet. So go ahead and keep up your bible camp shenanigans, just act like a normal douche and be done with it. All in all… FUCK YOU!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Laughing Cow” JONES:

JOSH “Swampy Ass” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#11: Bubble Bum

This week special guest Casey Tigue joins us on the show! The word of the day is “lalochezia” (Jerry did not say it in compliance with the rules). We talk about Dick Clark,  on the new segment Media Moneyshot we mention “Ted” the movie, Civil Suits, Real life barbie, how we would steal the crown jewels, how the French invented Codeine, and we insult people who take things way too seriously!

AHHHHHH NOTES!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Utter Laziness
– Research, caffeine withdrawals
– Casey has nothing to talk about!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– lalochezia-The use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain

Riffle:

–  Dick Clark

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Ted” http://www.tedisreal.com/

Raffle:

– Civil Suits

WTF:

– Real Life Barbie
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/real-life-barbie-stirs-debate-over-cosmetic-surgery-155921833.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinking in public – m4w


Date: 2008-06-01, 4:46PM CDT



We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn’t even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it’s not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn’t have to go if I don’t want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you’re being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We’d have to go dutch since I’ll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don’t suspect you’ll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing “stella” with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It’d be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY


Date: 2008-04-19, 2:10PM EDT



For the longest time, I have admired the dynamic between this cross species couple. But then, sometime during the 80s, a commercial for the Muppets: Live on Stage added a new dimension. In it, a stretch limousine was pulling up in front of a theater. A footman opened the door, and a shapely, rather thick leg stepped onto the red carpet. As the rest of the form followed, it was revealed that it belonged to a woman wearing a full bodied Miss Piggy costume under an alluring evening dress. AND I WANTED HER. And, to be quite honest, I’ve never stopped.

Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows � for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask.

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick – m4w


Date: 2007-12-15, 9:31PM PST



I want to fuck a peroxide-blonde richbitch daddy’s girl. I want to fuck a hotter, younger, stupider (if possible) version of Ann Coulter. You preferably grew up on Mercer Island and had your 16th birthday shown on “My Super Sweet 16.” It’s okay if you’re only a republican because your parents are and you don’t even know how many houses Congress has. At the very least I want to fuck a girl who wears a cross and thinks the Iraq War is a great idea.

I’m am a skinny-jean wearing hipster who goes to Evergreen, supports Dennis Kucinich and only listens to mix tapes of obscure 70’s pop.
I am sick of cool, interesting girls who are more likely to make out with other girls than me.

I want the most bland, insipid cockgobbler on this side of the Cascades. I’ve always wanted to blow my load in your lip-glossed, bubble-gum chewing mouth, but class, social groups and a sense of morality have prevented me.

Your pictures get my smarmy pretension.

We met over a steaming pile of turds. . .


Date: 2007-07-27, 3:26PM EDT



Me- I was picking up my dog’s shit, following the law, minding my own business.

You- old woman who looked like a broomstick with a bad weave- who said to me mid-scoop “you shouldn’t let your dog do that (poop), he should do it over there (points to middle of street)”

I just wanted to say I should’ve gotten your phone number, but I was just too angry to ask. You see, I felt a real connection between us. The audacity of an old bag to yell at my (4 pound puppy nonetheless) dog for shitting, having the shit picked up and then properly thrown away, overwhelmed me with rage. And I like to surround myself with petty, trite people that fill me with rage. My shrink says it’s ‘constructive.’

So how about this, give me your number and the next time my dog needs to take a shit I’ll drop you a line, come over, and let him shit in your wrinkled crusty mouth.

then coffee?

Riff to the Raff:
– how to be a cat burglar

GET FRENCHED:
– Codeine first isolated in 1832 by Pierre Robiquet

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… people who take things way too seriously. Why don’t you go jump off a cliff you stupid cunts, and while you’re on your descent try and find your sense of humor on the way down. It would be nice to be able to tell a joke once in a while, but then you,  and your easily offended asshole come waltzing in… killing my buzz and cock blockin my jokes. It’s called Sarcasm, genius. Just like when your mother says that she loves you. She should have shaken you as an infant. So the next time start to furrow your brow while everyone else in the room is laughing, go out to a garbage dump and crush your “funny bones” in a trash compactor. In case you haven’t gotten it yet… The jokes on you! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Casey-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Cunnalingus” JONES:

CASEY “Pineapple Dick” TIGUE:
@theunderscorewizfish

JOSH “Pasty Pants” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#10: Vending Happiness

This week we return from Spring Break to some awesome Uncivilized Behavior, including new segments and special guest, Vendy, while we hunt for a new third host! In this episode, the word of the day is “Pandiculation”, we talk about weird music moods, a dead uncle, diet soda, venture capitalism, lickable wallpaper, screaming like a bitch, getting older and we insult fan girls!

NOTES!!!!
UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Dryer Repair!, going national?
– Birfday
– Abortion/Periods

JOSH SINGS?

WORD OF THE DAY:

– pandiculation- Stretching and yawning before going to bed or after waking up

Riffle:

– Weird Music Moods
– Fan Girl Story
– Death of a loved one

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:





Raffle:

– Ditching diet soda
– Newgrounds, Venture Capitalism, indie VS Corporate
– Siren

WTF:

– Lickable Wallpaper http://www.geekologie.com/2012/04/spreading-disease-cookie-flavored-lickab.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:
Seeking pious individuals for the coming rapture on May 22nd, 2011 – m4mw

Date: 2011-05-10, 7:43AM CDT

I am an atheist seeking friends who are pious and who will be wisked away for the rapture that kirk cameron says is coming may 22nd 2011. I will take care of your pets while you are gone. I am a very kind and loving person who loves animals. Also i get to keep all your stuff because you won’t need them as you will be in rapturous bliss basking in the love of the great creator. I, however, will need your stuff since I will be trapped here on earth with all the rest of the unclean, deniers, and cravens. I will probably try to barter all your worldly possessions for guns or food or maybe women. Unless you have a truck and a cowcatcher. I will keep those and make a killmobile which will greatly increase my chances for survival in a world with no rules and no god.

no weirdos please.

Time Travel

Date: 2010-09-24, 10:09AM MDT

I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m

Date: 2012-04-09, 3:41PM CDT

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.
You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.

Lost Shark

Date: 2012-03-13, 8:53PM PDT

Lost my shark today. Actually he escaped when I inadvertently gave him an opportunity. Had the back door open to cool the place off while he was hanging around. Made the mistake of opening the front door briefly and he shot out the back door. Tried to catch him while he swirled in a vortex above the deck, but the strong winds took through the trees and north. Last seen gaining altitude in a 20 knot breeze heading north of Ballard. Neighbors looked perplexed as he flew over their house. If you find him warm him up so he doesn’t sink. It was quite the sad sight to see him get smaller and smaller as he blew away to the north.

I am black lady in naperville need help from racist terrorists

Date: 2012-03-13, 4:17PM CDT

I am black lady in naperville, illinois 60540 being bullied and assaulted by racists terrorists. I am looking for a bodyguard help me to fight them.

— I have found out what is happening to me and somewhat why. It seems that someone reported me to authorities as a threat and they have been using big brother bully tactics to snoop, pry and spy on me. However, they came up with nothing and went away empty. However, they left me and my life in complete turmoil. Now, at this point I seeking litigation rather than a bodyguard. I lost my job and I even found evidence of a spycam in my apt. I could not find it physically but I did detect the bluetooth address; i have copy of printscreen, smart huh? and traced it to Samsung. Naperville knew about this and did not help me. in fact, I was left for dead because I had od’d on medicine and they knew it and did not give treatment. I wish someone with some power could help me … I am willing to go to a news media with story if they can figure out entire epsisode for me. They put out some comprising pictures of me to provoke me into doing something stupid so they could arrest me for something and save face. The day in question the fbi, tsa and a lot of ppl was there and I am only one lonely black lady living in an all white community. I lost my job at DirecTV and I need help!!!!!!! I have no one to turn too!!!

Does President Obama know that americans are being attacked by and destroyed by the government? How do I get my story to him? I do not have any help yet and I fear for my life from his cabinet of elected officials. How can I get the word to him? before it is too late?

PS: IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME YOU KNOW WHERE TO START!!! I LIVE IN NAPERVILLE, IL 60540 MY NAME IS ERICA — I AM HORRIFICALLY TERRIFIED FOR MY LIFE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY SCREWED UP.

Riff to the Raff:
– Bitch screams (babeh?)
– Getting younger?
– Getting Older?

GET FRENCHED:
– Neon lighting- Georges Claude 1910…

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… Fangirls

Fuck you and your incessant NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sounds as you proclaim your love and/or obsession to your chosen object of affection. While you probable 13 year old girls stand right next to your TV and rub your nipples in your fantasy boyfriend’s mouth, I’m outside living in reality. Go to your room and rip down all of your vampire knight posters (DON’T STOP TO HUMP YOUR OTAKU PILLOW!) then change your hentai vagina juice stained panties that you’ve kept on for a week, then go get some real friends. If you don’t stop your bullshit, I will stick pocky into every orifice of your body until you bleed every ounce of your ramune tainted blood onto the floor. In short…. FUUUUUUCCCCCKK YOU!

PREDICTIONS BY PRICKS:
Jerry-
Josh-
Vendy- Raptor Jesus will thrust from the ground and eat the legs of Arnold Schwarna- however the hell you say that German name, fuck it.

Plugs :

JERRY “Surely diseased” JONES

VENDY “Might be a Nazi” MACHINE:

JOSH “Fire Crotch” MUSSER:

-Google +
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Fiverr
-Email
-iTunes
-Website
-Donate
-Tell Your Friends!
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

Spring Break!

Hey you sons o’ bitches!

As you may have noticed, we haven’t put something new out for a few weeks. Just letting you know, we’re still here! We’re taking a spring break as some of us have vacations and such things going on. You can still feel free to contact us and check out our social pages to keep up to date. We check those everyday! We’ll let you know when we’re recording the next episode!

Peace Mofos!

#9: On A Soapbox

This week on UB: One of our personal favorites to date! Our word of the day is “floccinaucinihilipilification”. We talk about personal space, secret farts, fecal implants, violent math, weird things during puberty, drunk stories and porn names. We also insult teenage female wiggers!

NNNNnnnnnotes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

Dem Weeks… How Were They?:

– Fiverr & Test taking
– Reading to midgets and Girly screams
– Fiverr and Bill Fuckin Murray!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– floccinaucinihilipilification- The act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant.

RIFFIE RAFFIE:

– Talking to strangers, getting inside of their space
–  Crazy man hobo Beards
– Secret Farts

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– Chew the scrotum off of a bloated dead man who died of a severe case of infentego of the crotch
OR
Lick Michael Moore’s ass crack while he clenches his butt cheeks after running up the stairs due to an abrupt case of food poisoning. Your tongue must go in deep enough to reach the anus.

– Get thrown into a small box truck along with 10 overly aggressive wolverines and have the door shut on you

OR

fight a kodiak bear in the pitch dark, however you have places to hide… if you can get to them and if he doesn’t find you.

– Get stripped naked then eaten whole by Rosie O’Donell, after 15 minutes of fighting your way through her digestive systems, you make it out and into her fermented womb from which you will be birthed slowly
OR
be thrown into a pit of fat old hairy men greased and naked while they writhe erotically.

– Cut open the webbing between your fingers and toes with a thin, but jagged razor, then fill each wound with rock salt until the skin bulges
OR
spray liquid hydrogen into your ears crotch and other appendages.

– Drink a gallon of freshly microwaved pig sperm
OR
drink a gallon of gritty and slightly thick dihareea

RIFF TO THE RAFF:

– Other peoples colored poop poop out of my belly button No bastard Fundraiser Fucks( anger ensues)
– Things that feel good on accident
– Fecal Implants

WTF:

Violent Math Questions: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/teacher-fired-assigning-violent-math-problems-third-graders-201910368.html;_ylt=ArXUzpCY7PzZACMV7ptVDgztiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTNxYWJpdjNpBG1pdANUb3BTdG9yeSBPZGRVU1NGBHBrZwM5ZmM4ZWYxNS0wMDVlLTMxMjItYjg1YS1mZTdkYmMzZjUxOTQEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3RvcF9zdG9yeQR2ZXIDNDRhMDkxMTMtNjRiNC0xMWUxLWI1ZjYtNmVkYTJiMDQ3MmRk;_ylg=X3oDMTIwdWJsZnJ1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANob21lfG9kZG5ld3MEcHQDc2VjdGlvbnMEdGVzdAM-;_ylv=3

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

seeking menstruating short-term friend – w4w


Date: 2009-08-28, 7:00PM PDT



Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I’m not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women’s cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or… maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who’re also menstruatin’, bring them too.

And I know it’s hot, so I’m offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat.

Cabana Boy NEEDED – Start ASAP


Date: 2009-05-22, 2:45PM PDT



In general… on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun…

Job Duties and Requirements:

-Must be able to operate a blender
-Must be experience with working iPod’s
-Good with oil and sunscreen
-Must wear uniform
-Must enjoy sun and water
-Hand grape feedings necessary
-Be willing work at moments notice

This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies’ company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don’t be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

I LOST PANCAKES 😦


Date: 2009-08-25, 3:06PM PDT



I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.

Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN 🙂

I need your eyesore, please help


Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT



I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge piece of rusted heavy equipment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help each other out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old piece of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeakes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station – m4w


Date: 2009-07-30, 9:56AM PDT



First of all, I’m sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can’t just walk up on you like that.

I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I’d had the time to admire you just a little longer.

The way you screamed at me, I can tell you’re a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can’t be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman.

Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn’t even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You’re a real lady.

In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.)

Come on by and we’ll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!)

Porn laptop


Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT



I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it’s a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don’t need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I’m pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn’t type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it’s not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

RAFF RIFF:
– Weird things you did while in puberty
– Puk gt stoereies (yeeqh baby)
– Drunk stories

– Porn names


GET FRENCHED:
– Mayonnaise

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to……  Teenage female Wiggers. You stupid cunts. I think its funny you are a step down from a regular dipshit wigger. You are a reflection of the thing you think is awesome. You…. think… wiggers… are awesome. Worthless. You walk around acting black, your hard and you know what its like to be in the ghetto.  I know and everyone else knows a sister would beat the crap out of you. At least white trash is its own kind of crazy. Wiggers are paper tigers. Ferocious in thought, but reality can be torn apart with ease. You are the weak and deserve to be tied to the ground, covered with honey and left to be eaten by carpenter ants. Your speech and your face make me want to punch a baby. I really just hate people who have no personality or character in general, which would be you unoriginal, uncultured, unconnected, retarded, dickless, pompous piece of shit. in summary…. FUCK YOU!

Predictions fuck head:

Plugs fuck:

Jerry “Free Form” Jones

Thoren “Thick Chode” Moran:

JOSH “the man pleasing” MUSSER:

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Outro:
Extra Toppings

Fundraiser Event!

Hello everyone! On Friday, the 24th at 10pm EST, We are holding a live fundraiser for Voice Acting Radio & Uncivilized Behavior! We’re having contests, trivia, giveaways, skits, live shows, music and more! Come this Friday even if you can’t contribute! It would also be a HUGE help if you could tell all your friends to come along. The bigger the audience, the more fun and the more it helps out the shows! 100% of the proceeds will go to making the shows better! To show up to the event, go to this link:http://www.livestream.com/GoldenPipesEntertainment?t=249614

See you all there, my MoFo’s. AFUERA!

^^^ What Jerry does.

#7: Getting Away With Murder

This week as we hit our longest episode yet, Thoren has to sing for us for missing last week’s episode and therefore not saying the word of the day (according the the new rule we made up). This week’s word of the day is “carriwitchet”. We talk about dead celebs, crappy food, WYR’s, what to do with a million bucks, texting morons, sheeple, tough jobs, an ironic heart attack and we insult entitled assholes. We also say goodbye to Albus the parrot; may he conquer his enemies in the afterlife.

Ninny Nanny Notes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

SO…..HOW WAS YOUR WEEK:

– Deceased, Monster trucks
– Long Weekend
– Fiverr (again)

Thoren swoons the crowd!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

Carriwitchet-A hoaxing or riddling question; conundrum.

THE OLD IN AND OUT:

– Whitney Houston… does anybody care? Also, what’s the deal with celebs dying and having all these issues?
-terrorist averted (thanks FBI)
-foods you hate and like

Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!

GUESS WHAT….WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– 1: Sit at a very classy restaurant, order a meal you have to eat in its entirety. The waiter bringing out your meal has a very badly infected thumb nail which is causing him to sweat profusely. As he hands you your food, the pressure from the plate or bowl causes it to burst shades of yellow puss and blood onto your meal. You have to eat the entire meal while the waiter watches you approximately 10 inches from your face and he keeps making “mmmm” noises while you gorge yourself on his fluids.

Or:
Have an old wrinkly man with ear hair wearing an, “I love Matlock,” shirt, chew or rather gum up an entire jar of apple sauce little by little in his mouth, then kiss you, putting his mouth against yours and spitting the apple sauce into your mouth, which you will eat.

– Have your lower jaw cracked in half, then each piece is pulled to its prospective side causing your skin to rip with the force until the tendons and bone are separated from your skull
Or:
Have various pieces of surgical gauze left inside of your abdomen for approximately 2 months. During the process, your body will attempt to fight the foreign object, causing great infection and liquifying of your intestines.

– Suck on the gingivitis ridden toothless gums of a homeless man with an overactive saliva glands. You have to suck on both the top and bottoms of the bum’s splotchy blood red gums until he is done masturbating
Or:
Drink a jar of spit collected from the same bum and a collection of his homeless friends. Realize, most of the spit will be shades of brown, yellow and red, truth of the infections and diseases living within their mouths.

– Be strapped down, unable to move at all and you are forced to watch the most important person to you in your life, violently raped in front of you and nothing can every be done about it
Or:
Have the most important person in your life taken hostage, you have to take a sniping shot and there is only a 5% chance you will hit the guy. Likewise, you have a 95% chance it will hit the person you care about. The shot is 100% guaranteed to be lethal. (personal shooting skill is not a factor)

MORE RIFF RAFFING:

– What would you do for a million sea clams? Then what would you do with it?
– Texting and walking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXYY_ep5Nh0
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/lady-texting-while-walking-eats-it-durin.php
-Advertising terrorists

WTF:

http://weirdthings.com/2012/02/wake-up-sheeple-half-man-half-sheep-hybrid-born-in-africa/

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

need someone to sit on lap


Date: 2009-09-22, 5:45AM EDT



I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you

to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping – m4w


Date: 2009-11-13, 10:38PM EST



Me: Taking a huge poop in the l5p pizza bathroom.

You: Drunk, beautiful, Discovered that I forgot to lock the door in my haste.

Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, and especially since it didnt seem to bother me that you walked in. We made eye contact for a brief moment, you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said “hey beautiful lady” right as you slammed the door, and i meant it. Everyone poops, and now that you have seen me pooping, I feel like we have already moved our relationship to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way, respond… I hope the smell didnt offend you, I ate indian food for lunch..

BJ for Bus Pass?


Date: 2009-11-04, 10:03AM PST



First of all, when you asked me how i was doing and i said “alright” i was lying. in actuality i was trippin’ hard off a really strong pot cookie. how strong? let’s just say i’d been skipping the previous buses because i couldn’t figure out how to stand up without my eyes falling out of their sockets. add in the factor that my hearing isn’t so good from spending way too much money on concerts and i couldn’t really understand what you were mumbling when you whispered, “blow you for a bus pass?”

I feel bad now for making you repeat yourself like 3 times and still not understanding what the hell you were talking about – I mean, yeah, I understood you needed money for bus fare, but i couldn’t quite wrap my brain around the fact that you were offering fellatio in exchange. I mean, it’s only four fucking dollars – you could very easily scrounge that up by just asking for spare change. Or were you actually trying to hustle up a transfer too?

Either way, I said something like “sorry, can’t help you,” cuz’ i was having a hard enough time trying not to melt down every time the train whistle went off. it then dawned on me what you’d been getting at and i got so nervous and nauseous i had to go sit down. it was a weird combination of disgust, panic, and arousal – like, well, i’ve never been with a guy, and under choicer circumstances would probably prefer a regular out of the closet healthy moe in designer jeans, and maybe it’s the pot talking, but maybe i could be into this. like, where would we go? an alleyway or bathroom? i can’t imagine even keeping it up under such a scenario, and like, would you bring a rubber, and that wouldn’t even necessarily protect me from genital warts, herpes, or what-not. I mean, what’s the etiquette here?

either way, the prospect of bartering a bus pass for a BJ from a stranger in or around a public place was just the kind of random sleazy offer a guy spaced out on massive quantities of THC needs to round out his day. considering the spousal unit goes down on me maybe twice a year if i’m lucky, i probably should have said what the hell and saved you the trouble of approaching other men. that, or just given you the freakin’ money no strings attached. hope you found a ride.

Looking for an average guy for average sex


Date: 2009-10-29, 4:57PM EDT



Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away.
Don’t even send me a pic of your penis.
I’m a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I’m not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that’s what you’re looking for.

Let’s just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you’re married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don’t bother me. If you’ve ever experimented with men, I’m also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning… maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you’re between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn’t make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.

Shrunken Pet Head Amulet


Date: 2009-11-19, 11:41AM AKST



Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.

RAFF RIFF:
-Tough Jobs
– People who gorge themselves…  http://yhoo.it/x8Wxsh

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-68-words-you-cant-say-on-tv

– The French’s Contributions… still hate though

INSULT OF THE DAY:

This one goes out to…… Entitled assholes. (those who think everyone owes them something) You need to get the Fuck out of the world you think everyone owes you. Just because you have a job you think is special, or have a little extra cash, doesn’t make you better than anyone around you. You know how this crap starts is with the stupid kids these days. Their parents give them the world, tvs, game systems, “hey mom I need $50 bucks,” “Here ya go!” Fuck That! These little bastards have everything given to them and never work for a damn thing. Guess what I got for doing chores around the house and helped out my family and not being asked, I got to live in my house and eat food. These pricks grow up thinking the world is owed to them because they own their parents. Not one of em fears or respects authority because instead of smackin’ em upside their head, mommy and daddy give em new clothes that aren’t hand-me downs from older siblings. You think you are owed something because you are weak. You never did anything you are proud of or worked for, so you are never satisfied. You are the blithe of this world and only serve as fuel for the strong. As we wipe our hard working sweating brow I say to you, Fuck You!

PLUG IT BITCHES!:

JERRY “THE MOTHA FUCKIN” JONES:

THOREN:

JOSH:

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Outro: dedicated to Albus!

#5: The Crooner

This week: Josh sings a power ballad as his redemption for missing last week’s word of the day, this word of the day being quantophrenia. We also talk about eating weird things, hugging maniacs, the most sick Would you Rathers that Jerry has come up with, flea markets, fart gambling, Missed Connections, Guilty pleasures, and insulting Stay at home moms.

Notes for people who are nosey:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR
Ep. 5

INTRO:

How your week went (blah, blah, blah)
– Taxes
– Trade show, improv, and eyes
– Hazzah, Fiverr

JOSH WILL SING: Little Mermaid (part of that world) and blood will run (from our ears)

WORD OF THE DAY: quantophrenia- an obsessive reliance on mathematical methods or results

SAME OLD RIFF RAFF:
– Sushi- Other weird things you eat
– Huggers
– “I don’t wanna sound gay” (too late)

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER:
-walk barefooted on rusty nails that are all sticking point up and guaranteed to give you tinnitus for 300 feet OR walk the same distance on razor blades that have been used to chop cocaine into lines
-Have a 400 pound hairy norwegian man bathe your whole body with his unwashed musty scrotum OR cover you in his fishy smelling, corn filled, ass hair infused, shit
-drink a glass of cud filled, slimy, warm cow saliva OR ingest the cold, stinking, sticky remains of 5 dead banana slugs
-Eat someone’s warm, freshly purged,  mucus laden, nacho vomit in its entirety OR eat a used urinal cake and wash it down with the dirty urine and feces tainted mop water from the gas station bathroom it was in (the whole bucket).
-chew a piece of toenail off the dirty infected pus covered foot of a homeless man OR make out with his sweaty, rashy, odiferous, hairy, lice filled armpit (where it is guartanteed that hair will come off in your mouth)

RIFFLE RAFFLE: skippity scapel
– Flea Markets -other places you shop
– Snagglepuss
– Fart gambling

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Jedi Needed To Induce Labor


Date: 2011-06-15, 5:35PM EDT



I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.
I was hoping that tonight’s full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I’m looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way’s of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you!

  • Location: Springfield, MA
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: Used Light Saber

Jogging Partner


Date: 2011-05-26, 9:09PM CDT



I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape.
I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don’t know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog. Three nights a week. If you’re capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee.

a big healthy shit


Date: 2010-01-24, 6:13PM CST



come and get it while it’s still fresh has corn in it from the other night looks to be about a pound looking to trade it for a nice speed boat or something fuck i dont know email me with what your willing to trade 100 bucks takes this awesome keep sake it’s a must have trust me!

penis caught in my zipper at el biet – m4w


Date: 2010-01-01, 10:21PM EST



i had just gone in for a normal pee, but the way you pounded, and pounded, and pounded on the door screaming “out! i have diarrhea! out! for the love of god come out, its coming out of my butt, pleeeeease!!!” got me so turned on that i got an erection. then, because your kicking started splintering the door, i quickly yanked up my zipper and caught my penis up in the process. i’m sorry again for the screaming as you pushed me down and sat down with the door hanging off it’s hinges, but the look of sheer horror and embarrassment we shared in front of the staff and other patrons looking on before you ran out the back door and climbed over the fence has captured my heart. please describe what i was wearing so i know its you.

Manhood Camping


Date: 2011-05-08, 7:35PM PDT



Manhood Camping Firequest. Lookin’ for a 100% for real bros to share/experience manhood in all its glory. This is for real, I don’t want to waste my time or yours. 100% JO and manhood, no sugar added. I AM NOT GAY. Don’t even think this is a sex thing, it’s all about manhood.

Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests.

THIS IS NOT A SEX THING.

Gonna need some basic things/skills, I don’t want to be slowed down by fools:

– must be in reasonable shape, if you get winded walking then stay home
– Ed Hardy camping gear, it’s really good gear and it’s awesome
– desire to be a man among men
– not afraid to wield a blade
– crystal, I’m not sharing mine
– must be able to make a fire
– gloves
– a knowledge of native vegetation (knowledge of psychotropic fungus a plus)
– knowledge of modern music
– protective/splash resistant eye wear
– 5 – 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use

We are gonna need a mobile music device, ipod or something. I’m bringing the music for the firequests and visionquests, Nickleback’s The Long Road. I only have it on CD, so I’ll have my discman as a last resort, an ipod would be nicer. Just sayin’.

Dont’ want to see”

– bad attitudes
– gay/homoerotic behavior, this is a manhood thing. I AM NOT GAY.
– cock rings, can’t keep it up w/o help, you aren’t gonna make it on this quest
– firearms, there’s gonna be enough guns going off and spent shells to pick up
– the nerds/dorks/lames/and anyone less than 100% into manhood.

If you are serious, then I promise you this will be the trip of your life. It will change the way you think. I’m serious, and I AM NOT GAY. To see a group of bros being men, a JO circle by a camp fire. The charge/energy in the air. Crystals get jacked, no lie. You will slip into a different frame of mind, you will feel electric.

Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there.

100% SERIOUS, NO FAKERS

WTF:
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/challenge-accepted-expert-mode-toilet.php
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/another-day-another-stupid-japanese-face.php

Rickity Riff Raff:
– “The Loogie” -Other times getting in trouble for no reason.
– Guilty Pleasures
– Still fucking hate the French

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…. Stay at home moms. You are all worthless wastes of lives. I’m ashamed to breathe the same air as you. At this point your brain doesn’t need that much oxygen so why are you so goddamn selfish? Speaking of selfish… while you’re supposed to be home taking care of your 17 children, you’re out getting sloshed with your Sarah Jessica Parker wannabe friends at the local Arbys mixing vodka into your diet coke. I sit at a booth nearby and all I hear is you talking shit about some kid on your son’s soccer team who’s just not as good as your kid, then cackling like a witch gargling the delivery man’s cock. But you and I both know you wanna fuck him. And speaking of COCK, you and your group of hens for friends sitting around in your book club just waiting for a fox to enter your hen house. Next time you leave your 2 year old at the top of the stares to live your life, go get yourself your 43rd botox injection and throw yourself in front of a train you Mary Poppins British bitches! I can’t stand your stupid umbrella and your trolla lola la bullshit. So, in summary…. FUCK YOU! (this does not apply to stay at home dads… cause they are awesome. Especially those in Georgia)

Plugs:
-Jerry plugs
-Thoren Plugs
-Josh Plugs
-Google +
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Website
-Email
Outro:
Goodbyes and Surprise

#3: Masturbation is Genocide

This week we talk about fast food bullshit, customer service stories, vegetarians against masturbation,  people watching, and old people hitting on us. As always there is also Would You Rather, What the Fuck, and we insult people who like to one up others!

Our random unorganized notes for anyone who cares:

Intro- (to your mother)
-Bullshit
-Your Week
-Fast Food Bull Shit
-Recycling
-Bank Issue
-Morbid Pranks
-Tough Mudder
-Customer Service Stories
-The crack Pipe
-Word of the day: blastula An early embryonic form produced by cleavage of a fertilized ovum and consisting of a spherical layer of cells surrounding a fluid-filled cavity

-Riff Raff
-Male Vegetarians/PETA/Sperm (in your mother)
-People Watching (Especially night time in Walmart)

-Would You Rather?
– Would you rather eat an entire pot of boiled anal fissures
or
Eat an entire bag of chips that is guarenteed to have scabs int it that look identical to the chips in question
– Would you rather stick your dick into nooks and crannies of a moray eel infested reef
or
Choose to drink from 1 of 3 buckets filled with bloody urine, 1 of which is infected with AIDS
– Would you rather camp under the worlds loosest, skankiest vagina lips
or
Walk into a pitch dark room and be beaten with various penises for an hour
– Would you rather be raped by (choose your host)

-Would you rather be dragged along the highway naked
or
get a full body shaving with a rusty blade by an epileptic monkey
-Riff Raff 2 (The Reckoning)
-People who think they’re funny (especially older people)
-Lady Problems
-WTF
-Old people hitting on you
-Something else (ssshhhhhhh, its more Riff Raff)
-Stuff we eat that shouldn’t be considered food
-People on blue tooths

 

-Insult of the Week
This goes out to the people who like to one up everyone.You know who you are you worthless fictitious shit spewing fuck sticks… when I say i went to the renaissance fair, you tell me you have a full suit of armor at home with a sword encrusted with the finest of diamonds and rubies. Reality, you bought it from some two-bit online shop while fapping to a donkey go down on some girl with no future. Your the person that tells me they have ninja training lessons from master shitzu himself, but trips over his worthless feet getting out of his house and the cardiovascular system of a tranquilized bear. All we were talking about was how we’d all like to kick you in the balls. You’re the person who tells me you have been training in the art of iron skin right before I punch you in the throat!

Well guess what you despot of bullshit, you aren’t better than the people strong enough to swallow the crap you spew out of your mouth. While your verbal diarrhea is oozing from the corner of your mouth, I’m getting my dick sucked! While you think your chronic lies are making you sound cool, it’s really only making you sound like a a dying fish gasping for air, repelling the only hope at any real human connection you have. Back to your Fap chamber and smells, weakling.

So staple your ass cheeks for lips shut for once, because I only have the patience to say this once… FUCK YOU!

SPERMIES

Plugs
-Jerry Plugs: mrbipolar.newgrounds.com/ @mrbipolarjerry
-Thoren plugs:sirkillington.newgrounds.com/
-Josh plugs: goldenpipesentertainment.wordpress.com / @JaShinYa
-Website
-Email
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Google+
-Donate
-Tell your peeps
-Fiverr
Outro
Surprise!