#9: On A Soapbox

This week on UB: One of our personal favorites to date! Our word of the day is “floccinaucinihilipilification”. We talk about personal space, secret farts, fecal implants, violent math, weird things during puberty, drunk stories and porn names. We also insult teenage female wiggers!

NNNNnnnnnotes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

Dem Weeks… How Were They?:

– Fiverr & Test taking
– Reading to midgets and Girly screams
– Fiverr and Bill Fuckin Murray!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– floccinaucinihilipilification- The act or habit of describing or regarding something as unimportant.

RIFFIE RAFFIE:

– Talking to strangers, getting inside of their space
–  Crazy man hobo Beards
– Secret Farts

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– Chew the scrotum off of a bloated dead man who died of a severe case of infentego of the crotch
OR
Lick Michael Moore’s ass crack while he clenches his butt cheeks after running up the stairs due to an abrupt case of food poisoning. Your tongue must go in deep enough to reach the anus.

– Get thrown into a small box truck along with 10 overly aggressive wolverines and have the door shut on you

OR

fight a kodiak bear in the pitch dark, however you have places to hide… if you can get to them and if he doesn’t find you.

– Get stripped naked then eaten whole by Rosie O’Donell, after 15 minutes of fighting your way through her digestive systems, you make it out and into her fermented womb from which you will be birthed slowly
OR
be thrown into a pit of fat old hairy men greased and naked while they writhe erotically.

– Cut open the webbing between your fingers and toes with a thin, but jagged razor, then fill each wound with rock salt until the skin bulges
OR
spray liquid hydrogen into your ears crotch and other appendages.

– Drink a gallon of freshly microwaved pig sperm
OR
drink a gallon of gritty and slightly thick dihareea

RIFF TO THE RAFF:

– Other peoples colored poop poop out of my belly button No bastard Fundraiser Fucks( anger ensues)
– Things that feel good on accident
– Fecal Implants

WTF:

Violent Math Questions: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/teacher-fired-assigning-violent-math-problems-third-graders-201910368.html;_ylt=ArXUzpCY7PzZACMV7ptVDgztiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTNxYWJpdjNpBG1pdANUb3BTdG9yeSBPZGRVU1NGBHBrZwM5ZmM4ZWYxNS0wMDVlLTMxMjItYjg1YS1mZTdkYmMzZjUxOTQEcG9zAzIEc2VjA3RvcF9zdG9yeQR2ZXIDNDRhMDkxMTMtNjRiNC0xMWUxLWI1ZjYtNmVkYTJiMDQ3MmRk;_ylg=X3oDMTIwdWJsZnJ1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANob21lfG9kZG5ld3MEcHQDc2VjdGlvbnMEdGVzdAM-;_ylv=3

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

seeking menstruating short-term friend – w4w


Date: 2009-08-28, 7:00PM PDT



Hi there. I am looking for a friend one who is currently or will soon be on her period. Mine is two weeks late and, while I know I’m not pregnant, I would like to kick-start mine to get back on my normal, lovely schedule. I would prefer it if you have a history of being dominant in these matters (i.e. do you have a history of setting other women’s cycles?) so the chances are maximized. Must be willing to spend lots of time in a somewhat small space with me (we can watch cheesy romantic comedies in my walk in closet. or… maybe the living room) so the pheromones (that is the leading theory for why this works, right?) are sure to, uh, transfer (or whatever they do). And if you happen to know a bunch of other women who’re also menstruatin’, bring them too.

And I know it’s hot, so I’m offering to provide as much haagen dazs as it takes to make it through the heat.

Cabana Boy NEEDED – Start ASAP


Date: 2009-05-22, 2:45PM PDT



In general… on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun…

Job Duties and Requirements:

-Must be able to operate a blender
-Must be experience with working iPod’s
-Good with oil and sunscreen
-Must wear uniform
-Must enjoy sun and water
-Hand grape feedings necessary
-Be willing work at moments notice

This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies’ company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don’t be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

I LOST PANCAKES 😦


Date: 2009-08-25, 3:06PM PDT



I was floating down the river on my tube, and Pancakes was right next to me. He is a small, 13 legged centipede who loves taco sauce, hardy partying, and never forgets to take his gummy vitamins. I looked back and he was gone, floating away. . . SCREAMING. No one knew what to do. He is a very good floater, probably because of all the gummi vitamins he takes. He never eats McDonalds when I do either. If you find him could you please e-mail me immediately!?? I miss him so much and I have no one to talk to, and no one to drink beerz with. He was my only friend. He was supposed to be 12 this upcoming Feb. 9th. He is an Aquarius.

Ps. He Has A SMILE as BRIGHT as the SUNNNNNNNNN 🙂

I need your eyesore, please help


Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT



I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge piece of rusted heavy equipment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help each other out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old piece of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeakes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station – m4w


Date: 2009-07-30, 9:56AM PDT



First of all, I’m sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can’t just walk up on you like that.

I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I’d had the time to admire you just a little longer.

The way you screamed at me, I can tell you’re a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can’t be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman.

Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn’t even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You’re a real lady.

In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.)

Come on by and we’ll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!)

Porn laptop


Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT



I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it’s a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don’t need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I’m pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn’t type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it’s not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

RAFF RIFF:
– Weird things you did while in puberty
– Puk gt stoereies (yeeqh baby)
– Drunk stories

– Porn names


GET FRENCHED:
– Mayonnaise

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to……  Teenage female Wiggers. You stupid cunts. I think its funny you are a step down from a regular dipshit wigger. You are a reflection of the thing you think is awesome. You…. think… wiggers… are awesome. Worthless. You walk around acting black, your hard and you know what its like to be in the ghetto.  I know and everyone else knows a sister would beat the crap out of you. At least white trash is its own kind of crazy. Wiggers are paper tigers. Ferocious in thought, but reality can be torn apart with ease. You are the weak and deserve to be tied to the ground, covered with honey and left to be eaten by carpenter ants. Your speech and your face make me want to punch a baby. I really just hate people who have no personality or character in general, which would be you unoriginal, uncultured, unconnected, retarded, dickless, pompous piece of shit. in summary…. FUCK YOU!

Predictions fuck head:

Plugs fuck:

Jerry “Free Form” Jones

Thoren “Thick Chode” Moran:

JOSH “the man pleasing” MUSSER:

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-Facebook
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-Website
-Email
-iTunes
-Donate
-Tell Your Friends!
-Fiverr

Outro:
Extra Toppings

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#8: Fundraiser 2012 – UB “Diggin’ Deep”

This week marks Golden Pipes Entertainment’s first annual fundraiser event for all of the shows! You’ll notice this is a very raw recording of the full 5 hours of our live fundraiser so don’t expect all the fancy bells and whistles and organization of usual. Also, enjoy the Voice Acting Radio episode that happens toward the beginning! You can find more of that show on voiceactingradio.com! A big thanks to all of those who showed up and supported us! This episode of UB has all of the classic segments plus gives birth to a couple of new ideas to try on the show. Enjoy!

UB’s Notes… HAND OFF!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

Intro

WORD OF THE DAY:

– qualtagh- The first person you see after leaving your house


RIFFITY RAFFITY

– Times in your life where you get screwed in every way (we don’t mean rape though… or do we?)… Yes we do. As a matter of fact, rape is the only way.
– Road Work

– your week


Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– Be dragged by a truck through a large field covered in broken glass, used needles, and salt
OR have your limbs chewed off (at the shoulders and hips) by an albino coyote that has only three good teeth.

– Be killed by being thrown out of a plane at 30,000 feet with no parachute OR by being drowned in a body of water by having weights attached to your ankles and your hands bound

– Have your fingers and toes broken slowly one at a time by twisting them counter-clockwise with a pair of pliers OR have all pierce-able parts of your body (penis included) be pierced at least twice by a large hairy clumsy man named Betty

– Perform mouth to mouth resuscitation on a  mountain man with wildly overgrown and undergroomed facial hair and has never used a dental hygiene product in his life, thus giving him an acute case of gingivitis and halitosis as well as causing some of his rotten putrid teeth to come off in your mouth whilst you are performing said “kiss of life” OR have 5 equally disgusting individuals take turns covering you in whatever bodily secretion they can muster up from their bodies (any kind of secretion)

– Be forced to lance a huge festering boil off of the ass of your very aged grandpa that wears diapers and has lost the ability to clean himself and make sure to get every last chunky, slimy, bloody, odoriferous piece of infested flesh and pus with your bare hands (no gloves or gauze allowed) OR Drink a pint of the foulest, most disgusting juices, and materials  that have accumulated in a busy city hospital (this includes saliva samples, feces, urine, blood and any other things produced on or in a human body) the contents of the pint have not been sterilized and have aged for one month so that all the contents have coagulated together to form a bubbling mass that smells like a mixture of  sweaty feet and a fully occupied nursing home.

MORE RIFFING THE RAFF:

– Running out of Helium
– The supernatural?
– death by helium

WTF:

– Because we don’t do enough for the ladies

http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/for-the-ladies-artlashes-laser-cut-paper.php


MISSED CONNECTIONS:

I Need a Harpoon


Date: 2009-10-29, 10:18AM PDT



In the spirit of forsaking the mutually sexist paradigm of sexy Halloween costumes, I have decided to be an Eskimo. I am fully aware that I have traded a sexually offensive concept for a potentially racially charged one, but I’m half native, so I figure it’s like black people saying the N-word. Right? Right.

I’m tired of seeing 8 year old reflections of my former self wandering around rainy old Stumptown on a holiday asking for candy while wearing a Fifteenth generation power rangers costume. It makes this Eskimo very sad and want to shelter him with my parka.

My own personal conflicts (which are many) aside, I require a harpoon for the ensemble. I have tried to fashion one, but the craftiness of my ancestors got lost somewhere, probably in a smallpox blanket. Said blanket will make me very dead and I have some parties I’d like to attend this weekend before that happens.

So, I am willing to drive my meager transportation to your corner of Portland or vicinity and pick up your cumbersome, bulky, takes-up-all-the-patio-space harpoon for absolutely FREE. No money will change hands because I am unwilling to pay for a one-time-use item. It might as well be disposable, but I don’t think they make disposable harpoons. I’m not planning to take up whaling after this weekend, so you can rest assured, Keiko will not die at your hands. Unless you plan to kill that beast in your free time, I won’t judge you. I’m not here to do that, I’m here to acquire a harpoon.

I am accident prone, so the duller the better. Think your harpoon is in too poor of shape to give to me? You’re wrong, fool. The Older and rustier, the better.

Bring on the second hand harpoons!

Dear stripper, – m4w


Date: 2009-10-27, 6:24PM MST



Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,

You were beautiful. 5’8” with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in… Well you know.

I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.

I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry.

Kyle

To the girl I had drunk sex with last night – m4w


Date: 2009-10-24, 9:14PM PDT



Drinking in the U-District sure is fun, isn’t it! You can end up doing the craziest things!

Such as getting drunk, and stumbling home with an equally drunk coed.

Oh my God, I was so wasted. I don’t remember meeting you. I don’t remember taking the bus with you. I assume we took the bus, as neither of us were in any position to drive, and my apartment is a good five miles from where we drank, which would be far too long a walk when sober. I do remember briefly talking in the bar (although I don’t know what about). I remember us naked in my living room. I hope we kept our clothes on until we entered my apartment.

We drank some more at my place. I think. Everything is very hazy. You were hot, and a senior from a sorority. That’s great. I think that made the sex better, somehow. Because I don’t remember much, but I think we had amazing (albeit sloppy) sex, for a long while. May I take a second here to congratulate myself on staying hard despite so much alcohol. You did well, too. It was fun.

Then we fell asleep. I woke up with a massive headache and an inability to recall the previous night. You were gone when I woke up, all traces of you vanished. I was merely a one night stand for you. I don’t regret it, though. I just have two questions.

What’s your name? And, can I please have my wallet back?

1,325 Pope Hats


Date: 2009-07-07, 3:17PM MST



Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have OVER 1300 Pope hats (replicas) that I REALLY need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the REAL POPE). Dogs do not like to wear these pope hats, but maybe a large cat or maybe a nice dog would wear one. My dogs will not but they are not very nice and always hate being dressed up like for Halloween when we tried to dress them up like batman but they became very very agitated and bit a neighbors kid. I will lock the dogs up when you come get all of these pope hats.

My wife is a devout catholic and she finds the presence of all of these pope hats all over the house to be blasphemous. I have pope hats in every closet, pope hats under the sing, pope hats full of other pope hats. She will not stop talking to me about getting rid of the pope hats and has started lighting candles all over the house for my soul but these pope hats are extremely flammable so its a problem in my house (there are pope hats everywhere)

I payed 10x what I’m asking for when I bought these pope hats. I still think there is a market for them maybe when the economy turns around. Act NOW! Don’t miss this great deal! I have 1,325 total (I counted this morning). 3 of them have some dog bites and one of them is burnt to a crisp, but you can take that one or leave it. Bring 2-3 strong friends.

Cute Stool Sample Nurse – m4w


Date: 2009-05-20, 4:10PM CDT



On April 8th, I came out from the restroom in your office on Blanco at Bitters and you were sitting there, half-hidden by the frosted sliding glass window. Sandy blonde hair, purple scrubs, sitting at the desk with that cute smile that some orthodontist must have been very proud of. I handed you my sample cautiously. It was slumped to the side of the clear container, slightly smeared and mushed at the top from where I had to break it off to fit the lid on the jar. You gave me a cute grin and asked the silly phrase “Did everything come out OK?”, to which I stuttered out a broken ‘yes’.

It felt like an eternity as I stood there, mesmerized, before I realized that it was just plain awkward. I promptly left the office in embarrassment and thought of you for most of that evening, graciously accepting my excretions, smiling while doing so.

I have been back but have not seen you there. I made an appt. for problems with diarrhea and when you weren’t there, I took the cup home, in hopes of bringing it back at a time when you, and your beautiful smile, were present. I wish I could find a different, and less embarrassing, affliction to be treated for, but your head physician specializes in that type of diagnosis.

If you read this, and felt same connection I did, please email me back.

RAFF RIFF:
– Our predictions for the future
– double standards

– The French’s Contributions (Photography) … still hate though

INSULT OF THE DAY:

This one goes out to…… people with BUMPER STICKERS!!!

What the fuck?!?! Do you arrogant morons really think that by slapping some gimmicky sticker on the ass of your car is going to change my opinions or my life? I mean, I get the idea… you want to express yourself and/or spread a message. If you want to do that, then why don’t you fucking get under a politician’s desk and gob his knob for a few months so you can get your voice heard like every other whore in this country? But no, instead your fat lazy ass feels like devaluing your piece of shit Geo metro by putting “your” thoughts on the back of it so you can spread “your” message to the people behind you in the burger king drive through as the Geo strains under your fat ass to pull forward to the next window.

Also, don’t you think there’s something wrong with the whole “give us your money so you can share your thoughts on world peace” thing? If you’re gonna be that complacent, you might as well be original! Write your own goddamn material! Pasting strips of writing all over your car will take you back to the good old days when you wrote about how you were sexually confused in your emo diary.

By the way, if someone out there really has an epiphany due to one of these bumper gems, you should have probably died a long time ago, so do the world a favor and go buy 1000 bumper stickers so you can suffocate yourself with them.

Finally, if I have to see one more fucking mini-van with “all the characters in your family” on the back window, I will steal away into the night, break into your house and peel off every one’s faces so I can slap them on the back of your van so everyone can see the REAL assholes inside of it.

And one last thing bumper sticker people…. FUCK YOU!

PLUG IT UP!:

JERRY JONES:

THOREN: I can be found on the moon base.

JOSH:

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-Donate
-Tell Your Friends!

Outro

Fundraiser Event!

Hello everyone! On Friday, the 24th at 10pm EST, We are holding a live fundraiser for Voice Acting Radio & Uncivilized Behavior! We’re having contests, trivia, giveaways, skits, live shows, music and more! Come this Friday even if you can’t contribute! It would also be a HUGE help if you could tell all your friends to come along. The bigger the audience, the more fun and the more it helps out the shows! 100% of the proceeds will go to making the shows better! To show up to the event, go to this link:http://www.livestream.com/GoldenPipesEntertainment?t=249614

See you all there, my MoFo’s. AFUERA!

^^^ What Jerry does.

#7: Getting Away With Murder

This week as we hit our longest episode yet, Thoren has to sing for us for missing last week’s episode and therefore not saying the word of the day (according the the new rule we made up). This week’s word of the day is “carriwitchet”. We talk about dead celebs, crappy food, WYR’s, what to do with a million bucks, texting morons, sheeple, tough jobs, an ironic heart attack and we insult entitled assholes. We also say goodbye to Albus the parrot; may he conquer his enemies in the afterlife.

Ninny Nanny Notes:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

SO…..HOW WAS YOUR WEEK:

– Deceased, Monster trucks
– Long Weekend
– Fiverr (again)

Thoren swoons the crowd!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

Carriwitchet-A hoaxing or riddling question; conundrum.

THE OLD IN AND OUT:

– Whitney Houston… does anybody care? Also, what’s the deal with celebs dying and having all these issues?
-terrorist averted (thanks FBI)
-foods you hate and like

Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!

GUESS WHAT….WOULD YOU RATHER!:

– 1: Sit at a very classy restaurant, order a meal you have to eat in its entirety. The waiter bringing out your meal has a very badly infected thumb nail which is causing him to sweat profusely. As he hands you your food, the pressure from the plate or bowl causes it to burst shades of yellow puss and blood onto your meal. You have to eat the entire meal while the waiter watches you approximately 10 inches from your face and he keeps making “mmmm” noises while you gorge yourself on his fluids.

Or:
Have an old wrinkly man with ear hair wearing an, “I love Matlock,” shirt, chew or rather gum up an entire jar of apple sauce little by little in his mouth, then kiss you, putting his mouth against yours and spitting the apple sauce into your mouth, which you will eat.

– Have your lower jaw cracked in half, then each piece is pulled to its prospective side causing your skin to rip with the force until the tendons and bone are separated from your skull
Or:
Have various pieces of surgical gauze left inside of your abdomen for approximately 2 months. During the process, your body will attempt to fight the foreign object, causing great infection and liquifying of your intestines.

– Suck on the gingivitis ridden toothless gums of a homeless man with an overactive saliva glands. You have to suck on both the top and bottoms of the bum’s splotchy blood red gums until he is done masturbating
Or:
Drink a jar of spit collected from the same bum and a collection of his homeless friends. Realize, most of the spit will be shades of brown, yellow and red, truth of the infections and diseases living within their mouths.

– Be strapped down, unable to move at all and you are forced to watch the most important person to you in your life, violently raped in front of you and nothing can every be done about it
Or:
Have the most important person in your life taken hostage, you have to take a sniping shot and there is only a 5% chance you will hit the guy. Likewise, you have a 95% chance it will hit the person you care about. The shot is 100% guaranteed to be lethal. (personal shooting skill is not a factor)

MORE RIFF RAFFING:

– What would you do for a million sea clams? Then what would you do with it?
– Texting and walking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXYY_ep5Nh0
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/lady-texting-while-walking-eats-it-durin.php
-Advertising terrorists

WTF:

http://weirdthings.com/2012/02/wake-up-sheeple-half-man-half-sheep-hybrid-born-in-africa/

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

need someone to sit on lap


Date: 2009-09-22, 5:45AM EDT



I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you

to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping – m4w


Date: 2009-11-13, 10:38PM EST



Me: Taking a huge poop in the l5p pizza bathroom.

You: Drunk, beautiful, Discovered that I forgot to lock the door in my haste.

Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, and especially since it didnt seem to bother me that you walked in. We made eye contact for a brief moment, you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said “hey beautiful lady” right as you slammed the door, and i meant it. Everyone poops, and now that you have seen me pooping, I feel like we have already moved our relationship to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way, respond… I hope the smell didnt offend you, I ate indian food for lunch..

BJ for Bus Pass?


Date: 2009-11-04, 10:03AM PST



First of all, when you asked me how i was doing and i said “alright” i was lying. in actuality i was trippin’ hard off a really strong pot cookie. how strong? let’s just say i’d been skipping the previous buses because i couldn’t figure out how to stand up without my eyes falling out of their sockets. add in the factor that my hearing isn’t so good from spending way too much money on concerts and i couldn’t really understand what you were mumbling when you whispered, “blow you for a bus pass?”

I feel bad now for making you repeat yourself like 3 times and still not understanding what the hell you were talking about – I mean, yeah, I understood you needed money for bus fare, but i couldn’t quite wrap my brain around the fact that you were offering fellatio in exchange. I mean, it’s only four fucking dollars – you could very easily scrounge that up by just asking for spare change. Or were you actually trying to hustle up a transfer too?

Either way, I said something like “sorry, can’t help you,” cuz’ i was having a hard enough time trying not to melt down every time the train whistle went off. it then dawned on me what you’d been getting at and i got so nervous and nauseous i had to go sit down. it was a weird combination of disgust, panic, and arousal – like, well, i’ve never been with a guy, and under choicer circumstances would probably prefer a regular out of the closet healthy moe in designer jeans, and maybe it’s the pot talking, but maybe i could be into this. like, where would we go? an alleyway or bathroom? i can’t imagine even keeping it up under such a scenario, and like, would you bring a rubber, and that wouldn’t even necessarily protect me from genital warts, herpes, or what-not. I mean, what’s the etiquette here?

either way, the prospect of bartering a bus pass for a BJ from a stranger in or around a public place was just the kind of random sleazy offer a guy spaced out on massive quantities of THC needs to round out his day. considering the spousal unit goes down on me maybe twice a year if i’m lucky, i probably should have said what the hell and saved you the trouble of approaching other men. that, or just given you the freakin’ money no strings attached. hope you found a ride.

Looking for an average guy for average sex


Date: 2009-10-29, 4:57PM EDT



Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away.
Don’t even send me a pic of your penis.
I’m a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I’m not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that’s what you’re looking for.

Let’s just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you’re married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don’t bother me. If you’ve ever experimented with men, I’m also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning… maybe. Could be a regular thing.

If this interests you and you’re between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn’t make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.

Shrunken Pet Head Amulet


Date: 2009-11-19, 11:41AM AKST



Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.

RAFF RIFF:
-Tough Jobs
– People who gorge themselves…  http://yhoo.it/x8Wxsh

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-68-words-you-cant-say-on-tv

– The French’s Contributions… still hate though

INSULT OF THE DAY:

This one goes out to…… Entitled assholes. (those who think everyone owes them something) You need to get the Fuck out of the world you think everyone owes you. Just because you have a job you think is special, or have a little extra cash, doesn’t make you better than anyone around you. You know how this crap starts is with the stupid kids these days. Their parents give them the world, tvs, game systems, “hey mom I need $50 bucks,” “Here ya go!” Fuck That! These little bastards have everything given to them and never work for a damn thing. Guess what I got for doing chores around the house and helped out my family and not being asked, I got to live in my house and eat food. These pricks grow up thinking the world is owed to them because they own their parents. Not one of em fears or respects authority because instead of smackin’ em upside their head, mommy and daddy give em new clothes that aren’t hand-me downs from older siblings. You think you are owed something because you are weak. You never did anything you are proud of or worked for, so you are never satisfied. You are the blithe of this world and only serve as fuel for the strong. As we wipe our hard working sweating brow I say to you, Fuck You!

PLUG IT BITCHES!:

JERRY “THE MOTHA FUCKIN” JONES:

THOREN:

JOSH:

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Outro: dedicated to Albus!

#6: Gay Porn Isn’t Gay (Yes it is)

This week we have a special guest, Andrew Dryden from Voice Acting Radio, in place of Thoren during his absence. Our word of the day is Interfenestration and we talk about Valentine’s Day, exterminating bugs, Josh’s WYR’s, the gayest things we’ve ever done, our special missed connections, dumb ass inventions, and we insult Road Cyclists. Overall, I believe we’ve found out more about each other than we ever cared to know…

Notes for Nancys:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR
Ep. 6

Intro

How was your week?
-Super Bowl (and commercials)
-Business & clumsiness
-Andrew’s new Vita

WORD OF THE DAY:
-interfenestration- The space between two windows

Riff Raff the first
-Valentine’s Day
-Stuffy nose
– Exterminating

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER:
– Would you rather have sanders pressed against your bare nipples for 10 minutes on high
OR
Have your nutsack weedwacked for 10 minutes with fresh wackers.

– Drink a full cup of sweat collected from the fattest, hairyest gooch on earth that hasn’t been washed in a month
OR
suck the gritty thick puss out of a back zit the size of your fist.

– Grind your teeth on gravel for a 1/4 mile
OR
let a roach lay eggs in both of you ears.

– Shave your finger and toe nails off with a razor blade
OR
Grate your elbows and knees with a cheese grater down to the bone.

– Get ass raped by a rhino horn
OR
stick a white hot needle in your dick hole.

RIFF to the RAFF:
– Snow: People’s reactions
– Gayest thing you’ve ever done
– Camel Boy

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

-Children’s guillotine- Looking to get rid of this children’s size guillotine, only used once. Has been cleaned and recently oiled, sure to make any child happy!


-I GOT SOMEONES DEAD GRANDMOTHER IN URN

SHE WAS IN A STORAGE LOCKER NONE OF HER FAMILY WANT HER, SO IM OFFERING HER TO YOU AT A DISCOUNT PRICE, ASHES ARE STARTING TO LEAK FROM BOTTOM, I DID DROP HER,

I ALSO GOT HER PHOTOS
SHE WAS APROX 67 YEARS OLD, 170 POUNDS, 5’7
THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST PIECE OF ASH YOULL EVER GET
I GOT TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER NO FUNERAL HOME WILL TAKE HER,
THIS WILL BE GREAT FOR HALLOWEEN
SHE IS IN A BLACK URN APROX 10″ HIGH X 5 X 5 WITH BRASS PRAYING HANDS
GREAT PIECE FOR YOUR MANTAL
YES YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING DEAD AS LONG AS YOU DIDNT KILL THEM
A FRIEND OF MINE JUST SOLD A SKULL ON E-BAY

-condoms and door knobs

I have 750 kiss of mint condoms that expired in 3/2004. I have 750 lubricated colored condoms that expired in 9/2006. They are no longer safe for pregnancy prevention but do have several other uses. They make great water balloons, safe sex educational tools, balloon animals etc… What you do with them is your business but I strongly advise that you do not use them for pregnancy prevention. They have been properly maintained in air conditioned and lighting controlled conditions. They should be ok for use but to be on the safe side I would not use them for sexual purposes. That being said if you want them let me know and we can arrange a pick up. I also have 11 door knobs. I recently replaced them and have no use for them now. If anyone has any use for either the condoms or the door knobs penis butt me know.

WTF:
http://weirdthings.com/2012/02/authorities-detain-man-claiming-to-be-resurrected-folk-singer-as-fans-flock/

Rickity Riff Raff:
– 4 chan

– Dumb ass inventions

– Still Hating the French

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

Road Cyclists- this goes out to you! I hate you and your inability to find a place to ride your fucking bikes someplace other than where I am trying to drive my automobile. You and your skin tight spandex that shows every last nuance of your ass need to get out of the way. I have better things to do than search my conscious and see whether or not I can handle vehicular homicide charges on my record. So here’s a suggestion go find a fucking mountain or public park to ride your stupid ass $300 bike in or on and stay out of my fucking way. In case you are not getting the message, let me make it abundantly clear… FUCK YOU!

Plugs:
-Jerry butt plugs
-Faggoat Plugs

-Josh Plugs

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Outro:
Goodbyes and Surprise

#5: The Crooner

This week: Josh sings a power ballad as his redemption for missing last week’s word of the day, this word of the day being quantophrenia. We also talk about eating weird things, hugging maniacs, the most sick Would you Rathers that Jerry has come up with, flea markets, fart gambling, Missed Connections, Guilty pleasures, and insulting Stay at home moms.

Notes for people who are nosey:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR
Ep. 5

INTRO:

How your week went (blah, blah, blah)
– Taxes
– Trade show, improv, and eyes
– Hazzah, Fiverr

JOSH WILL SING: Little Mermaid (part of that world) and blood will run (from our ears)

WORD OF THE DAY: quantophrenia- an obsessive reliance on mathematical methods or results

SAME OLD RIFF RAFF:
– Sushi- Other weird things you eat
– Huggers
– “I don’t wanna sound gay” (too late)

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER:
-walk barefooted on rusty nails that are all sticking point up and guaranteed to give you tinnitus for 300 feet OR walk the same distance on razor blades that have been used to chop cocaine into lines
-Have a 400 pound hairy norwegian man bathe your whole body with his unwashed musty scrotum OR cover you in his fishy smelling, corn filled, ass hair infused, shit
-drink a glass of cud filled, slimy, warm cow saliva OR ingest the cold, stinking, sticky remains of 5 dead banana slugs
-Eat someone’s warm, freshly purged,  mucus laden, nacho vomit in its entirety OR eat a used urinal cake and wash it down with the dirty urine and feces tainted mop water from the gas station bathroom it was in (the whole bucket).
-chew a piece of toenail off the dirty infected pus covered foot of a homeless man OR make out with his sweaty, rashy, odiferous, hairy, lice filled armpit (where it is guartanteed that hair will come off in your mouth)

RIFFLE RAFFLE: skippity scapel
– Flea Markets -other places you shop
– Snagglepuss
– Fart gambling

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Jedi Needed To Induce Labor


Date: 2011-06-15, 5:35PM EDT



I am nearing towards my due date and I am miserable. My child is about 9 lbs now and I still have 2 weeks to go.
I was hoping that tonight’s full moon will do the trick, but this child is as snug as a bug in my uterus.

I’m looking for someone who possesses Jedi powers to use their mind tricks on my child to convince him to come early. The sooner the better.

If you are a master in the way’s of the Jedi please help me deliver this child! Many thanks and may the force be with you!

  • Location: Springfield, MA
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: Used Light Saber

Jogging Partner


Date: 2011-05-26, 9:09PM CDT



I am looking for a person of athletic build to help me get in shape.
I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this: I ingest Rohypnol [you supply the roofies as I don’t know where to purchase them] and you strap my body to yours [limbs to limbs using velcro] and take me along on a jog. Three nights a week. If you’re capable and interested, E-mail me so that we can discuss the fee.

a big healthy shit


Date: 2010-01-24, 6:13PM CST



come and get it while it’s still fresh has corn in it from the other night looks to be about a pound looking to trade it for a nice speed boat or something fuck i dont know email me with what your willing to trade 100 bucks takes this awesome keep sake it’s a must have trust me!

penis caught in my zipper at el biet – m4w


Date: 2010-01-01, 10:21PM EST



i had just gone in for a normal pee, but the way you pounded, and pounded, and pounded on the door screaming “out! i have diarrhea! out! for the love of god come out, its coming out of my butt, pleeeeease!!!” got me so turned on that i got an erection. then, because your kicking started splintering the door, i quickly yanked up my zipper and caught my penis up in the process. i’m sorry again for the screaming as you pushed me down and sat down with the door hanging off it’s hinges, but the look of sheer horror and embarrassment we shared in front of the staff and other patrons looking on before you ran out the back door and climbed over the fence has captured my heart. please describe what i was wearing so i know its you.

Manhood Camping


Date: 2011-05-08, 7:35PM PDT



Manhood Camping Firequest. Lookin’ for a 100% for real bros to share/experience manhood in all its glory. This is for real, I don’t want to waste my time or yours. 100% JO and manhood, no sugar added. I AM NOT GAY. Don’t even think this is a sex thing, it’s all about manhood.

Looking for bros to head into the woods and bond by fire, experience life as men once lived it, JO circle, and fire/vision quests.

THIS IS NOT A SEX THING.

Gonna need some basic things/skills, I don’t want to be slowed down by fools:

– must be in reasonable shape, if you get winded walking then stay home
– Ed Hardy camping gear, it’s really good gear and it’s awesome
– desire to be a man among men
– not afraid to wield a blade
– crystal, I’m not sharing mine
– must be able to make a fire
– gloves
– a knowledge of native vegetation (knowledge of psychotropic fungus a plus)
– knowledge of modern music
– protective/splash resistant eye wear
– 5 – 10 of those clip things that rock climbers use

We are gonna need a mobile music device, ipod or something. I’m bringing the music for the firequests and visionquests, Nickleback’s The Long Road. I only have it on CD, so I’ll have my discman as a last resort, an ipod would be nicer. Just sayin’.

Dont’ want to see”

– bad attitudes
– gay/homoerotic behavior, this is a manhood thing. I AM NOT GAY.
– cock rings, can’t keep it up w/o help, you aren’t gonna make it on this quest
– firearms, there’s gonna be enough guns going off and spent shells to pick up
– the nerds/dorks/lames/and anyone less than 100% into manhood.

If you are serious, then I promise you this will be the trip of your life. It will change the way you think. I’m serious, and I AM NOT GAY. To see a group of bros being men, a JO circle by a camp fire. The charge/energy in the air. Crystals get jacked, no lie. You will slip into a different frame of mind, you will feel electric.

Last outing, we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears. It was no deal, nature knew man was in the forest, the crystals gave us the confidence to own those bears. I saw it, I was there.

100% SERIOUS, NO FAKERS

WTF:
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/challenge-accepted-expert-mode-toilet.php
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/another-day-another-stupid-japanese-face.php

Rickity Riff Raff:
– “The Loogie” -Other times getting in trouble for no reason.
– Guilty Pleasures
– Still fucking hate the French

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…. Stay at home moms. You are all worthless wastes of lives. I’m ashamed to breathe the same air as you. At this point your brain doesn’t need that much oxygen so why are you so goddamn selfish? Speaking of selfish… while you’re supposed to be home taking care of your 17 children, you’re out getting sloshed with your Sarah Jessica Parker wannabe friends at the local Arbys mixing vodka into your diet coke. I sit at a booth nearby and all I hear is you talking shit about some kid on your son’s soccer team who’s just not as good as your kid, then cackling like a witch gargling the delivery man’s cock. But you and I both know you wanna fuck him. And speaking of COCK, you and your group of hens for friends sitting around in your book club just waiting for a fox to enter your hen house. Next time you leave your 2 year old at the top of the stares to live your life, go get yourself your 43rd botox injection and throw yourself in front of a train you Mary Poppins British bitches! I can’t stand your stupid umbrella and your trolla lola la bullshit. So, in summary…. FUCK YOU! (this does not apply to stay at home dads… cause they are awesome. Especially those in Georgia)

Plugs:
-Jerry plugs
-Thoren Plugs
-Josh Plugs
-Google +
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Website
-Email
Outro:
Goodbyes and Surprise

#4: Filling Your Grapefruit Sized Hole

This week on Uncivilized Behavior: Our word of the day is abcedarian, old people, things that scared us as children, various vomit inducing Would You Rathers, introducing a new segment called Missed Connections as presented in our very special way, dirty jokes, insulting people who back into parking spaces, and Jerry is left behind at the end of the show.

Also, please say hello to our new sponsor: Cocktails With Punch! Click on the link on the right side of our website to see what it’s all about!

PS: Josh didn’t say the word of the day…

Here are the show notes if anyone cares:

Uncivilized Behavior
Episode 4

Intro
– Our Weeks
– How does our government function?
– Vehicular homicide (car troubles)
– Workin out like a mother fucker

Word of the Day
-abecedarian- a beginner in any field of learning.

Riff Raff
– Old People (Again)
– Being “labeled”
– What scared you as a kid

Sponsor

– Poopy time fun shapes!

Would You Rather…
-Get a root canal by a blind dentist with Parkinson’s disease (you have to sit through the entire session no matter how long it takes)
Or:
Go through a three month intensive anal canal and anus stretching process (the end result being a grapefruit sized cavity)

– Nail your penis to a 2×4 from the head of your dick, to the base of the shaft with a series of coffin nails (making sure the nail is protruding from the other side of the board)
Or:
Be skinned from your elbows to your fingers and knees to your toes and thrown into a vat of salt while listening to “Uptown Girl.”

– Have your testicles pushed into your pelvic cavity till they tear through your intestines and come popping out of your ass, dangling like two pathetic nuggets.
Or:
Have your teeth ripped slowly out of your head with pliers, then the teeth are turned around and shoved back into your head reversed.

– Take a straw, sip up and swallow all the thick crusted saliva straight from the mouths of all the residents of an elderly person’s care home (doesn’t matter if the clientele have expired in their warm little stained old people beds)
Or:
Have a transient defecate into your anus, transferring the stool into your body, which you are required to keep inside you for the duration of the next three days.

– Drink a months worth collection of vaginal juices from B. Arthur from the Golden Girls
Or:
Be gang banged by crazed chimpanzees with rabies

Riff Raff (Part Duex)
– Anonymous (Hacked CBS.com)
– Newt Gingrich wants Moon Colony by 2020
– News headlines/ common wording, etc…

What The Fuck?
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/01/a-new-low-ipad-with-integrated-fleshligh.php

Missed Connections




Riff Raff (The Third)
– Dirty Jokes (Peter Pumpkin Eater) – I got a lot of them [in my pocket]
– PG-13 movies… “make it fuckin R-rated!”
– The Fench – I hate them… damnit

Insult of the Week!
– This goes out to … People who back into parking spaces: You pretentious sons of bitches. Those of you who feel the need to back into parking spots while holding everyone else up. If you can back it in the first place then why not fucking back out?! Someone as inconsiderate as you should have a hot muffler shoved into your anus releasing methane gases through a tube and leading back into your mouth. You should be used to it since your head is always stuck up your own ass. And you drive your damn car like a fucking boat. Slow and stupid. If you can’t handle your vehicle, then buy a smaller one. You people act like your driving a shuttle bus. I can’t stand your old person, ricky tick bullshit. It amazes me you can get up in the morning and remember to breath. Same goes for you stupid cunts with your bug eye sunglasses, texting and looking like a stuck up bitch. I hope a transient cuts your face so it reflects your worthless insides.

Either way you look at it, backing into a space is a waste of time and counter productive. It takes just as much time! If you pull forward to the next space and you are parked, ready to go, kudos to you, but if you waste our god damn time backing up into a space with your display of inadequate motor skills, spare us the stupidity. The fact you exist is enough in this world.

From all of us, to the worthless you, Fuck You!

Plugs
– Thoren plugs
– Jerry Plugs
– Josh Plugs
– Fiverr
– Fundraiser
– Donate
– Website
– Twitter
– Facebook
– Google +

Outro
– Goodbyes and super fun surprise

#3: Masturbation is Genocide

This week we talk about fast food bullshit, customer service stories, vegetarians against masturbation,  people watching, and old people hitting on us. As always there is also Would You Rather, What the Fuck, and we insult people who like to one up others!

Our random unorganized notes for anyone who cares:

Intro- (to your mother)
-Bullshit
-Your Week
-Fast Food Bull Shit
-Recycling
-Bank Issue
-Morbid Pranks
-Tough Mudder
-Customer Service Stories
-The crack Pipe
-Word of the day: blastula An early embryonic form produced by cleavage of a fertilized ovum and consisting of a spherical layer of cells surrounding a fluid-filled cavity

-Riff Raff
-Male Vegetarians/PETA/Sperm (in your mother)
-People Watching (Especially night time in Walmart)

-Would You Rather?
– Would you rather eat an entire pot of boiled anal fissures
or
Eat an entire bag of chips that is guarenteed to have scabs int it that look identical to the chips in question
– Would you rather stick your dick into nooks and crannies of a moray eel infested reef
or
Choose to drink from 1 of 3 buckets filled with bloody urine, 1 of which is infected with AIDS
– Would you rather camp under the worlds loosest, skankiest vagina lips
or
Walk into a pitch dark room and be beaten with various penises for an hour
– Would you rather be raped by (choose your host)

-Would you rather be dragged along the highway naked
or
get a full body shaving with a rusty blade by an epileptic monkey
-Riff Raff 2 (The Reckoning)
-People who think they’re funny (especially older people)
-Lady Problems
-WTF
-Old people hitting on you
-Something else (ssshhhhhhh, its more Riff Raff)
-Stuff we eat that shouldn’t be considered food
-People on blue tooths

 

-Insult of the Week
This goes out to the people who like to one up everyone.You know who you are you worthless fictitious shit spewing fuck sticks… when I say i went to the renaissance fair, you tell me you have a full suit of armor at home with a sword encrusted with the finest of diamonds and rubies. Reality, you bought it from some two-bit online shop while fapping to a donkey go down on some girl with no future. Your the person that tells me they have ninja training lessons from master shitzu himself, but trips over his worthless feet getting out of his house and the cardiovascular system of a tranquilized bear. All we were talking about was how we’d all like to kick you in the balls. You’re the person who tells me you have been training in the art of iron skin right before I punch you in the throat!

Well guess what you despot of bullshit, you aren’t better than the people strong enough to swallow the crap you spew out of your mouth. While your verbal diarrhea is oozing from the corner of your mouth, I’m getting my dick sucked! While you think your chronic lies are making you sound cool, it’s really only making you sound like a a dying fish gasping for air, repelling the only hope at any real human connection you have. Back to your Fap chamber and smells, weakling.

So staple your ass cheeks for lips shut for once, because I only have the patience to say this once… FUCK YOU!

SPERMIES

Plugs
-Jerry Plugs: mrbipolar.newgrounds.com/ @mrbipolarjerry
-Thoren plugs:sirkillington.newgrounds.com/
-Josh plugs: goldenpipesentertainment.wordpress.com / @JaShinYa
-Website
-Email
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Google+
-Donate
-Tell your peeps
-Fiverr
Outro
Surprise!

#2: Macho Men

This week: Our Word of the Day is “Santorum”, we read a listener email, favorite curses while driving, warning labels, Macho Man Randy Savage, the food channel, big asses and insulting people who call their pets, “kids”.

#1: The Best Service Around

On UB’s very first episode, we try and use the word propitious at some point in the show, we find out the Jerry has a knack for servicing people, Josh has the gag reflex of a beta fish, and Thoren still can’t figure out how to log into email. Also, awkward parties, cats, infomercials, and feminists as well as a special guest giving us our very first insult of the week!