#16: Awkwardly Long

This week we talk about what’s been going on during our hiatus. The word of the day is “tetrapyloctomy”. We also talk about Google Ass raping thousands of Youtubers, squid sperm, Missed Connections, retarded deaths, the invention of the food processor, and insulting Google’s greedy ass execs. Stay tuned for more updates!
NOnononoNONONOTES:

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Website (finally!) and the end of a vehicular era,
– Baby Shower and the plague and the actual baby!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-tetrapyloctomy- The act of splitting a hair four ways

Riffle:

– Adsense and Google

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  Horrible Movies

Raffle:
-Mama’s day-Papa’s day

WTF;
– Spermy the Squid http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/squid-spermatophores-stuck-diner-mouth-202402937.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

I’m getting married! – w4m

Okay, I’m not getting married…but I’m with someone now and I think we’re going to be very happy together. I think this is it. Forever.

All right, we’re not really together so to speak, you know… boyfriend and girlfriend… but we’re very important to each other… best friends really.

Well, maybe not best friends. Maybe more like just really close to each other. Really tight.

And I do mean that — really tight, really close… but maybe not in the sense of “close friends” — maybe more like close… strangers. Tight and close together in a physical manner, more than an emotional sense. But you can’t deny the sparks that flew when we, as strangers, gazed longingly into each other’s eyes, right? It was so beautiful!

Okay, not so much gazed longingly as glanced appreciatively… but the attraction was undeniable, you have to agree.

All right, maybe glanced appreciatively doesn’t describe it either. But I’m fairly sure you caught a glimpse of my forehead in your peripheral vision. A passionate glimpse. And that’s an amazing connection.

So, maybe not a connection so much as a nervous assessment. But I believe that anxiety over what we have is only natural, given the astounding sexual tension. Couldn’t you feel it rattling between us?

Perhaps the rattling had something to do with the subway train, but I really felt one with you. One with you in the sense that we were so close, we were almost one person. Maybe my body swinging into yours as the train rounded a curve was a bit jarring… but only in a way that two universes colliding could be called “a bit jarring.” You didn’t have to move away from me… it’s natural, truly. But perhaps the raw chemistry between us was too much for you. Or it might have been the heel of my boot in the arch of your foot.

I feel we were meant to be…I know you. But I don’t really know you, so if you read this, Mr. Orange-Manhattan-Portage-Bag-and-Rust-Colored-Corduroy-Jacket-on-the-R-train, sorry about tromping on your foot and ramming my bag into your gut. But Love Hurts, right? Call me?

Giant Undies

I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5’4” and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only…no perverts.

Pls be my obnoxious girlfriend for one week ..

Hello gals of Mumbai and beyond I am looking for an obnoxious girlfriend for one week to restore my glee in being single.

Nowadays I find myself stuck horribly in situations where mostly everyone I know is either in one of those relationships or is happily hitched or is finally married. I was pleased and really contented to be single for the last year but now that I have been exposed to all these happy-happy people in relationships, I’m starting to wonder really big time if I need one too.

In my head, I know I don’t (actually I’m not sure.. hehe), but let’s make this solid with an experience. This is where you figure in. I need you around for one week in the role of an awful, dreadful, terrible girlfriend to renew my so-called glee in being single.

Sweetie my requirements of you:

* -You are decently attractive which means u can simply be the ordinary girl that we usually c around town. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a decently pretty girl who is nice to look at but a total b**** otherwise.

* -Be extremely needy and fully deprived of any attention. Pls ring me twenty seven times a day, always checking where the hell I am, checking out who the hell I’m with, checking out what the hell am I doing etc.

* -Have poor or for that matter zilch manners. When we decide to go out together, I want you to not use your tissue, tip damn poorly or not at all, etcetera etcetera

* -Stare at other guys when we’re out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.

* -Don’t listen one bit when I talk, and interrupt me nearly everytime

* -Wear hideously ugly n flashy clothes,

* -Have totally absurd and wildly inaccurate info n data n unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about freakin everything u say n do.

* -Flick or rob something of mine. I will set out one predefined thing or article that you must steal from my place under any circumstances.

* -Don’t be too bothered or upset when I end things after nearly a week (and part of this deal is that I (ME, MOI.. if u get what I mean) am the only one designated to break things off). You assume and also know for sure what you’re getting into and do not form any love or awkward bond.

After the bad week is gone  we can either be pals and laugh hilariously about this, or we can pretend that we’ve never really met and ignore each other big time if we happen to meet in a public place.

So then. now u can ask me : What do you get out of this silly thingy?

At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am rich and well educated but still !). A stolen item (of my choosing). A good anecdote to tell people later. Contentment that you are also single. A super-duper chance to utter your malevolence. A dissatisfying rendezvous for both of us.

You’d be a total and absolute fool to pass up this grand opportunity! PS: I’m a nice guy … if i like u … i might just keep u 😉 Take ur chance , u neva know ….. nothing ventured – nothing gained!

Small Penis

You cannot trick me, Small Penis, into thinking you are large- by pounding away like a jackhammer. In fact, when you do this- I almost totally forget about you. I am more involved with the incessant slapping sounds of skin and flapping balls and trying to tune them out. You cannot shove and piledrive your way into my heart- bratty bullying will only make me notice you less.

Small Penis, rough fingers have tried and failed to supplement your smaller size by jamming, manhandling, and stretching my sensitive pussy in ways that make it want to barricade the door and lock down the shades.

It is true, Smally, that when I first saw you I did not get that certain rush of glee and pupil dilation that a giant cock will cause. I have small breasts- when I take off my shirt (I don’t even need a bra) I am sure I am not providing a moment that would be filmed in glorious slow motion with a soundtrack.

Small Penis, small tits are subtle. YOu can be too. You will never fill me in that “good lord YES” amusement part ride way- but, remember- that is one slice of the spectrum. If you wanted to, you could deploy in a proud and erotic way and get me off REAL GOOD multiple times. You could operate with finesse instead of screaming to be noticed.

If you could just calm down and stop the monotonous pounding, you might notice that I can ride you, squeeze you, and stroke you with my pussy. Everytime I get on top and try I soon find hands around my waste frantically lifting me up and down and all I am thinking is oh here we go again…what’s that crockpot recipe??

Small Penis, it’s time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.)

Think of yourself as an artist’s tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am loving it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated.

Riff to the Raff:
– Retarded Deaths

GET FRENCHED:
– Food processor by Pierre Verdun between 1963 and 1971.

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Google. Just because you own the world doesn’t mean you can control the populace. Well ok it does, but just remember with tyranny comes rebellion, mother fuckers. While Larry Page and Sergey Brin are buttfucking each other on their bed of money and gold, hardworking Americans trying to make a living through creativity are going to sneak into your headquarters and shit in your processors just like when you take a dump on our chests after providing you with money making content. By the way, I finally found out what Google stands for… Gay Oppressive Overlords Grinding Leprous Erections. Yes I am that spiteful…. BITCH. Oh and one more thing before you have your company wide skat orgy for the most elite… FUCK YOU!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Hangin’ By The Giant Vein” JONES:

-Website
-Newgrounds
-Twitter

JOSH “Boob Blood Bath” MUSSER:

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-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
hooty hoo!

 

Labor of Love

So Josh informed me that his wife was induced into labor. Probably much like she was induced into getting pregnant in the first place. So with that said we must skip the show this week and wait for the proverbial “cork” to pop. Until then I shall try to keep you all updated as details become available to me. Also here is my guess as to what Josh’s baby girl will look like…I love technology…

Under the Weather

Hi Everybody!

I just wanted to write a quick update as to why there has been no new episode yet. Well, Josh is sick and since I am fairly certain you guys don’t want an entire episode of me just laughing I figured we would wait for him to get better, Don’t worry though, the debauchery will continue soon, so stick around. Until then here is something that I found in my local penny pincher paper…

Jerry

#15: Uncivilized Juice

This week the word of the day is “Clithridiate”. While we get our drink on, we talk about Catholic Bullshit, Curt Schilling going broke with 38 Studios, SpaceX, A man who is actually a woman, super heroes, DivX, and we insult Mark Zuckerburg!

Holy Narcotic Notes!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– last week of kid’s school (til next year), and uneventful-ness
– josh Juice n voice acting! Will continue to bitch about the heat.

WORD OF THE DAY:

-Clithridiate- Key-hole-shaped

Riffle:

– Catholic Bullshit http://news.yahoo.com/popes-butler-arrested-vatican-leaks-scandal-154717974.html

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  Curt has no Schillings http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/post/curt-schillings-38-studios-lays-off-entire-staff-amid-financial-woes/2012/05/25/gJQA6WLHqU_blog.html?wprss=rss_sports

Raffle:

– SPACE?!
WTF;
– Man, Woman, What?! http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/man-admitted-hospital-kidney-stone-discovers-hes-woman-110057308–abc-news-health.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

 

Need advice on breaking up

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Date: 2007-11-17, 7:55AM CST

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I need a way to say the following items but in a way that she will understand:

1. Your intelligence is on par with the domestic ass.

2. Wear clothes that fit you.

3. When you are sleeping you saw logs so loudly that my neighbor complained to me about it.

4. Get out and exercise you lazy cow.

5. If you are stopping by to pick me up to go somewhere get off your no good ass and walk to the apartment instead of sitting in your car out front and honking the horn.

6. The only thing we have in common is that we enjoy being intoxicated on Friday night.

7. Why can’t you get the point when I told you that the only reason I asked you out in the first place was because I already had four shots of tequila.

8. You cough so loudly my floor shakes when you do it… Are you going to cough up some unknown life form out of that lung? Is that why you are shaped like a damn watermelon?

9. I stopped calling you. I stopped coming over to your place. Why can you not take this as a hint?

10. Sex is horrible with you. I definitely wouldn’t of hit that if I was sober at the time. There are fat flaps around your cooter. You have to make the Moses parting the red sea movement to move this camel-toe-esque fat lobs out of the way to get the job done.

11. You cannot get the hint when I say this isn’t working you keep calling and showing up. What the hell is wrong with you???

12. I have hit on other girls in front of you… Ones that are actually attractive and you still cling to me.

13. I find it really retarded that you think that it is perfectly acceptable to drive around a car with no insurance and without a drivers license.

14. Why don’t you try to drag yourself out of white trashiness?

15. Oh yeah, one last thing, why do you think it’s acceptable to go the bar every night, don’t get me wrong I love going on the weekends, maybe one night in the week occasionally (If I had a bad day at work), but every goddamn night? Are you seriously trying to be a freakin drunk???

Anyone got any advice on communicating these views to this girl so that she will comprehend them please for the love of God and all that is holy and right in the world please tell me how to pound this into her oversized and under-developed head!!!

 

The Greatest Craigslist Car Ad Ever’

Email8Smaller FontTextLarger Text|Print

Riff to the Raff:
– Supah Heroes

GET FRENCHED:
– DivX around 1998 by Jerome Rota

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Mark Zuckerberg! Put this one in your timeline asshole! You are quite possibly the least interesting piece of shit I have ever had the displeasure of seeing… and I ate taco bell recently. You think you are big stuff the way you strut around like a peacock. But you have about as much flair and “pizazz” as a brick. I know that you think that all fackbook user’s are “dumb fucks” but let me tell something to you, you penis swizzling fucker. You can go kill yourself as far as I am concerned… to finish succinctly… FUCK YOU!!!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Drippy Britches” JONES:

JOSH “Sloshy” MUSSER:

 

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Outro:
Happy Endings!

#14: You Won’t Like Him When He’s Angry

This week, the word of the day is “Mytacism”. We have an rare sighting of the enraged Jerry Jones, we talk about Facebook stock, “The Dictator”, cupcake sausages, a post-op beauty pageant contestant, and we insult every person in the world!

You want notes? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE NOTES!!! Fine you can have them…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– no time for shit!
– Tropico 4

WORD OF THE DAY:

-mytacism- The incorrect or excessive use of the letter M

Riffle:

– Facebook Stock

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  “The Dictator” What the fuck is wrong with you Sascha Baron Cohen!?

Raffle:

– Over agressive-ness

WTF;
– Cupcake Turds http://www.geekologie.com/2012/05/cupcakewurst-grillable-cupcakes-in-sausa.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters – m4w

You! Slim, with the black hair We had the whole floor of the law library (now apparently being renovated) to ourselves. It was late at night, we were both stealing glances at each other. We got around to talking at last, and I asked you if you were going to be studying all night. “Oh yes, all night,” you said, pausing to smile invitingly before you added, “At least, that’s the plan…” There were plenty of empty, dark rooms, offering stupid amounts of fooling-around possibilities to us. But you ended up being too scared to go beyond anything but the blind under-the-table groping, constantly scanning the area as if some unseen (possibly Catholic?) authority figure was going to leap upon us–“Fornicators!”–and, I don’t know, lock us in a frightening gun store bondage basement to be sodomized (which would seemingly contradict the whole Catholic impression I first had). Anyway, for some reason, the countless shadowed nooks and crannies we could have been cavorting in seemed less favorable to you than our table in the middle of the room, devoid of any cover whatsoever. Maybe you were afraid I would murder you or something? Whatever. The building closed. I left frustrated that we had come so close to a possibly fulfilling impromptu encounter.

And you! Really hot blonde in the PCL lab that one night! We made out for a minute or two, I got handfuls of your great ass through your tights. We heard somebody coming around the corner, broke apart, waited for them to pass. After that you seemed to lose your nerve, even though we were literally standing right in front of an empty room no one had any reason to enter! You were convinced that somebody would walk in on us. So our encounter, which had only just been starting to get really hot, came to an abrupt and lame “separate-ways” ending. I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God. Against all the world. It could have been so good.

And goddamn you, gorgeous short-haired brunette with the Death From Above 1979 tote bag and great taste in music who I ran into in the Union. The place was practically dead, and those bathroom stalls on the third floor are impossibly clean! I tried to explain this to you, but you, too, lacked the courage, convinced that we would be heard.

Please UT girls. I like private home-made sex as much as anybody, but these opportunities are rare goddamned semi-public-sex unicorns. They will not roam the halls of the retirement home you will eventually inhabit once your children have back-stabbed you and imprisoned you there. By then you will be drooling and possibly rambling about the time uncle Jo left all the cat food out and the cat ate too much of it and my it smelled awful in that house for days until the cat finally died and a wild “ky-oat” or summit dragged the carcass into the forest one night and oh are you my husband?

Just make this semester a little more exciting.

Taxidermied hamsters for sale

I have a family of taxidemied hamsters for sale. They are perfect for the kid who wants a hamster but you know damn well won’t take care of them. Just buy a cage, pose them in it and tell the kids to enjoy. If the kids ask why they aren’t moving just explain to them that happy hamsters keep still. These hamsters were originally bought with love and taken care of very well. Then, as is usually the case with my little ba**** kid, he lost interest and kept forgetting to feed them. One by one they dropped off. I couldn’t bear to flush these cute things down the toilet so I bought a taxidermy kit and stuffed them. The best part about these guys is that they won’t soil the cage or cost anything in food! They’ll just give hours of pleasure like live hamsters. Call or e-mail me with an offer so that you can begin your new life as a hamster owner! [number deleted]

Thanks,
Joe “Buzzy”

Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work…

Ok, I get it. You had to rub one out. I know the feeling. Maybe it was thinking about that totally hot little minx in purchasing that got you going. Or you got some steamy email from your wife. Whatever it was, you just needed a little release. We’ve all been there my friend.

But if I may be so bold as to offer a few tips?

1. Location Location Location – Maybe it was the bathroom closest to your desk. Maybe it has bigger stalls for more elbow room. But whatever the reason, the bathroom just off the factory floor is not your best choice. It is huge for a reason. There are about 80-90 workers on that factory floor at all times, plus about 30-40 office workers, and there’s almost always at least one person who needs to take a squirt.

2. Silence is Golden – While we all might empathize with your situation, NO ONE WANTS YOU HEAR YOU SLAP YOUR SALAMI!! And we certainly don’t want to hear the gentle grunts you were letting out. It was like being forced to listen to the audio of a bad gay porn soundtrack, minus the cheesy Casio keyboard jazz/funk fusion music. Keep it down, will ya?

3. Ms Manners says… – Ok, so you had a poor choice in bathrooms and you are just naturally loud. Even elemental problems such as these can be overcome by following rule #3. When someone comes into the bathroom….STOP!!! Seriously, I’d think that would be the easiest rule to follow. Did you not hear me open the door? Did you not hear me pull the ass gasket from the holder, tear off those 3 annoying pieces that hold the center in place, and sit down? Good god man, another man is taking a shit not 8 feet away from you. Shouldn’t that take the bloom off the rose, so to speak?

4. Good fences make good neighbors – This is the most important rule of all. If you have been caught rubbing one out in the men’s room, do not, under any circumstances, come out of your stall until all affected parties have left the bathroom. I’m never going to be able to get the picture out of my head of you going over to the sink right next to the one I was at, and looking at me in your mirror with a big contented smile while you’re washing your hands.

They don’t make a body soap strong enough for the ick I felt after that. No amount of showering tonight will do it I’m afraid.

Oh no fatty. That food’s not for you.

Hey fatbottom, don’t think I don’t see you coveting the kitten’s rich tasty kitten food. So knock it off, cause you ain’t getting any.

You can hatch evil plans to acquire the tasty food all you want, but let me remind you, you’re a cat, and your strategies have been at best dismal failures. Let’s refresh, shall we?

You headbutted the kitten away from her food. This was your best strategy to date, and you actually got to snarf down some of good stuff until I caught you, and you were greeted by your arch nemesis, Captain Squirtgun and his sidekick Lieutenant My-Foot-To-Yo-Fat-Ass. Me 1, Tubbins 0

Brute Force no longer an option, you decided to go stealth ops. Lurk, waiting for the kitten to wander, then you swoop in on a high speed raid. That didn’t work out so well for you either did it? Why not? Cause at 20 something lbs, you don’t ‘swoop’ very stealthy. There’s a reason Possums hunt at night- because they’d starve otherwise… just like you’re doing now. Me 2, Sumo-cat 0

Taking no chances and sick of having to guard the kitten bowl until she was done, I decided kitten gets to eat up on the counter. You hate that more than anything don’t you? I can just see the resentment in your pudgy face. Why does she get to eat steak up there, when I’m eating compressed dust down here? Because I know you can’t get up to the counter without a loud distinctive grunt and making a calamity trying to wiggle your raccoon-ass between the wall and the toaster. Me 3, Fatty 0.

Clearly I own you. In all senses of the word. You really ought to just get used to the Vet’s prescribed food. You’re gonna be eating it for at least a decade, which is forever as far as you’re concerned.

Riff to the Raff:
– Would you think she’s hot? http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/trangendered-miss-universe-canada-contestant-takes-stage-172200662.html

GET FRENCHED:
– Modern dentistry by Pierre Fauchard

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… everyone! I fucking hate you all.

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Baby Back Ribs” JONES:

JOSH “Burnt Cracker” MUSSER:

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-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#13: Ass Men

This week the word of the day is “Witzesuct”. We talk about Mother’s day, smelling your own farts, a robotic ass, breast feeding, the metric system and we insult “smart” people!

Mmmm… I want dem notes…

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Air repair, ANIMATORS!!!!!
– Asian drivers (not ) breaking stereotypes!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-witzelsucht- A feeble attempt at humor

Riffle:

– Mother’s Day

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
–  DAYUM Blizzard, you scary! http://us.blizzard.com/en-us/games/d3/?int

Raffle:

– smelling your own farts… vintage 1988

WTF:

-Robotic… ASS?! http://on.msnbc.com/JLnmQm

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Ugly Llama

I have an ugly llama that needs a new home. He’s a gelded male, somewhere between 5-10 years old, recently de-wormed, hoof-trimmed, sheared and vaccinated. His name is “Nash,” and I rescued him from a pretty bad situation.

He’s knock-kneed, he has a terrible haircut from recently shaved-off burdocks and mats, and his face is disfigured from an embedded halter wound. He’s very hard to catch, impossible to lead, and just barely able to be pushed on and off of a trailer (we’re working on these things). However, he has never once tried to spit, kick or bite, and is starting to accept petting. He will eat grain from your hand, and although shy, seems to want to make friends. The vet says he’s healthy now. He makes no noise except for quiet, lonely hum-hoots, which sound like someone is blowing into a dusty trumpet.

Llamas are sensitive to copper, so they can’t have most horse feeds/minerals, but are fine with hay/pasture and goat vitamins. They get along fine with most animals…

…just not my horse. My old Tennessee Walker is apparently a vicious southern racist who wants to rip Nash’s little brown South American face off. I tried to sign my horse up for sensitivity training, but things just aren’t working out. Thus, Nash needs a new home.

If you’ve read all THAT, and are STILL interested in adopting an ugly llama, I know you have a good heart. Nash needs someone like you; he’s had a rough life and deserves a really nice home. A farm visit and vet references will be required– I need to know he’s going to be well taken care of. Please call Laura at 608-225-7045 or email the above address.

To the person who has my Ikea dresser…

I’m sorry to have to post this, but a horrible mistake was made. When you picked up the dresser I was not at home. My roommate was supposed to make sure that my ferrets were put away, but…
Bottom line, my two ferrets are in separate drawers of the dresser. They should be okay, but I wanted to warn you not to take them both out at the same time.
They were rescues… and I was never able to socialize them.
They not only fight, but actively plot each other’s demise.
Otherwise – they’re perfectly fine!
Please call or email when you read this.
*sorry for the inconvenience

Sex and Periods.

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Date: 2010-02-21, 11:51AM CST

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Ahhh, Sunday morning – my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I’m sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life’s wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist’s Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig’s Online Hook-Up Service.

But, lately, I’ve been having a problem with periods. Yeah, periods. Now, normally ‘periods’ and ‘sex’ are not something that most people want to talk about – at least NOT in the same sentence – but I think that the time has come for us to open up, and to admit that maybe there IS a place where periods and sex can coexist. Take the following post, for example:

“lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck”

This sounds great…doesn’t it? (I’m hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she’s too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can’t use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It’s natural; it’s normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it’s just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can’t go together.

I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I’ll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)…anytime. Period.

I grabbed your boobs on Sunset

Saturday night, I was out with my buddies walking around on Sunset, going from bar to bar, club to club, etc. You were, presumably, with your girlfriends. As we neared each other, none of us made eye contact. It’s as though we were trying not to look at each other. I sure as hell was.

But because of this, I wasn’t looking where I was going either, and tripped on a crack in the pavement and tripped, falling forward, right as you were passing by. My arms flailed about and tried to grab the nearest sturdy thing to steady myself. That nearest thing ended up being your rack.

Unfortunately, your breasts weren’t steady nor sturdy enough, so I kept falling. Along the way, your shirt and bra were torn off in the process. Your knockers, exposed to the night air, bounced with delight and glee.

Almost immediately, you came down upon me, fists rained down hellfire the likes of which I’ve never experienced. Your friends quickly joined in, pummeling me, while my own friends stood back and watched, giggling gayly as if their kindergarten classmate had just poohed his pants during recess.

It was when you were pepper spraying the shit out of me that we locked eyes for a moment. It was incredibly painful to keep my eyes open, due to the intense sting from the pepper spray, but I noticed how goddamn gorgeous your blue eyes were, and I think I noticed a moment of hesitation, almost admiration, perhaps. A hint of a smile formed on your face, and for a second, I thought you were going to kiss me, but then you head-butted me directly into the sidewalk, rendering me unconscious.

This, however, did not stop you from kicking me in the side, spitting on my face and stealing my wallet, while, yes, you were there, you know, my friends continued laughing and whooping it up like a bunch of drunken rednecks at a hoedown.

I had hoped to find your phone number scratched into my chest, along with the many other scratches from your fingernails, but alas, when I came to, nothing. Just blood and a few scattered teeth.

I sincerely hope you read this message because I think we had a connection, you and I. I want to see where this might lead. As long as it’s not the ICU again.

Riff to the Raff:
– Best Breast alone http://yhoo.it/M5oJgR

GET FRENCHED:
– Metric system

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… “Smart” People
I really just love how you think that everything you say is correct and everything I say must be wrong in some way, shape, form, or fashion. It sickens me to think about how much time you spend arguing useless trivial facts because you think you know better and that God, Nature or some strange amalgamation of the two made you the amazing lexicon that you are. Why don’t you and your useless knowledge of the most minute facets of the universe just go and fuck yourself sideways. Better yet go and find every book and encyclopedia you can get your masturbation callused hands on and live in a cave eating mushrooms and leave the rest of the world in peace, and blissful “ignorance”. Since you are SO smart I probably won’t need to spell this out, but if I do you will just correct what I say anyway… but I digress you asshole… FUCK YOU!!!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Delicious Diva” JONES:

JOSH “Pencil Prick” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#12: The Transvestite Soliloquies

This week the word of the day is “borborygmus”. Jerry serenades Josh after missing last week’s word, Taking a lightning strike to the balls, if we could live without money and technology, the Disney movie “Wreck it Ralph”, licking a monkey’s ass, Mantyhose, drunk spray, and we insult flamboyant gay people!

Silly Rabbit… Notes are for kids!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Done with education, failed robbery
– HOT AS SHIT! New glasses

JERRY SINGS!

WORD OF THE DAY:

-borborygmus- The rumbling sound of gas passing through the intestine
Riffle:

– Lightning to balls

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Wreck it Ralph” http://yhoo.it/JZVGL6

Raffle:

– Living without money/Technology

WTF:

– Lick my Hairy ass! http://now.msn.com/now/0503-licking-monkey-butt.aspx

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Death Ray – Once in a lifetime opportunity!

---

Date: 2008-12-07, 12:10AM EST

---

This is a genuine Death Ray, aka home made solar oven. This thing is badass. You know how the economy’s been sucking? Well, burn up your least favorite politicians in a fiery ray of destruction and cook your dinner with the same device. Slick, eh? Since there’s a good chance, because a.) you’re reading Craigslist and b.) you’re reading the Northern Michigan section – that you’re homeless or close to becoming so, this is the perfect oven for you–it requires no electricity, and flip it over (it’s shaped like a parabola) and use it as a house.

With this Death Ray, lovingly handmade from refrigerator boxes and $30 worth of tinfoil, you could literally cook your Christmas ham and all the sides–at the same time. At over four feet tall and approximately six feet wide (when assembled) the Death Ray is sure to fill all of your cooking, living, and vaporizing needs.

Hurry to catch this special offer, as it won’t last long! Ask me with questions and for more pictures, if so desired. Please, serious offers only.

It even comes with a cardboard base so you can move it around to follow the sun’s rays. This beast was made for a physics class and got an A, but now the owner (that’s me) is tired of seeing it. It originally took three of us several weeks of intense cardboard-cutting, measuring, and tinfoil-wrapping to produce this thing. All measurements are present and correct. those sunrays will dive ecstatically to one white-hot point of heat about six inches from the bottom of the parabola.
It’s fully functional. It seemed a shame to just throw it away, not when there’s a buttload of valuable tinfoil on it. If nothing else, putting this shining Death Ray in your living room would be a powerful conversation starter.

It is made of twelve tinfoil-covered cardboard panels, three each taped into four larger panels. To put it all the way together, grab some duct tape and a friend and spend a few quality minutes wrestling the pieces into an appropriate cone. Flip it upright, plop it on the cardboard stand, and you’re ready to cook–or maybe, destruct!

Pick-up only. A normal car should be able to transport it, unassembled, although a spaceship might be more appropriate. And, in case you missed it further up, serious enquiries only. I know a genuine Death Ray is wont to make readers quite excitable, but save for congratulating me on my superior mental acuity or offering to take the lovely Death Ray off my hands, please refrain from pointless messages. I’m a busy woman. I’m currently working on the Death Ray 2–Earth Destroyer.

New Period Underwear!

---

Date: 2007-05-31, 7:03PM EDT

---

Today, I turned a perfectly good pair of panties into Period Underwear. I hate when that happens. Men may not know what Period Underwear are. I shall explain and enlighten. Period Underwear are what chicks wear when (surprise!) they’re on their period. NOTE: they start out as panties, but morph into underwear – PERIOD underwear. A few things can turn panties into Period Underwear. Here are some examples:

1. You’re wearing a capable pair of panties and the Monkey Gets a Nosebleed. It leaves an awful stain on the panties, which USUALLY can’t be removed, rendering them Period Underwear

2. They’re older panties, no longer favorites and you’d never wear them if there was a possibility you were getting laid, so you feel comfortable wearing them when Aunt Flo Comes to Visit, demoting them to Period Underwear status

3. They’re granny panties, you can’t remember why you have them and you pretty much only wear them when you’re home sick, or just plain suffering from the pain and bloat of being OTR because they’re really comfy and never ride up so they’re by default Period Underwear

4. These are nice panties, something you’ll wear even if you’re NOT Surfing the Crimson Flow and you’re not at all afraid to be seen in them but they’re dark colored (black, navy, red), thereby making them both Non-Period Panties and Period Underwear

That should do it! So men, now you know one of our dirty little secrets. If you see us in items #1 – #3, consider it notice that George is in Town. How you handle that knowledge is your affair, I’m just here to give you the low-down. If you see us in item #4, things could go either way, proceed as you wish.

Ladies, as one of THOSE commercials says, Have a Happy Period!

Your Life is Imperfect, and It’s All My Fault

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Date: 2007-07-03, 4:07PM EDT

---

As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But I’ve failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me.

You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel.

It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America.

I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules.

And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in the 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service.

And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day.

So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.

Riff to the Raff:
– Mantyhose & Guy Gowns http://living.msn.com/style-beauty/simply-chic-blog-post/?post=621d0363-3e25-4ecc-bfc0-107f09b5e324

GET FRENCHED:
– Get Drunk Spray! http://yhoo.it/Ko1tv5

INSULT OF THE WEEK:
This one goes out to…… Unnecessarily flamboyant gay people!

First thing I have to say to you… SHUT THE FUCK UP! I KNOW you’re gay. you don’t have to flaunt it. Talking like a valley girl with a speech impediment does not just happen after you step out of your cum stained closet. Talk like you’ve always talked before. I don’t care if daddy doesn’t love you anymore. You are not rebelling by dressing in lady clothes, you’re just obnoxiously pointing out something that no one else cares about. Not to mention we probably already knew about your little secret after that time you sucked the substitute teacher’s dick in the janitor’s closet. So go ahead and keep up your bible camp shenanigans, just act like a normal douche and be done with it. All in all… FUCK YOU!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Laughing Cow” JONES:

JOSH “Swampy Ass” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#11: Bubble Bum

This week special guest Casey Tigue joins us on the show! The word of the day is “lalochezia” (Jerry did not say it in compliance with the rules). We talk about Dick Clark,  on the new segment Media Moneyshot we mention “Ted” the movie, Civil Suits, Real life barbie, how we would steal the crown jewels, how the French invented Codeine, and we insult people who take things way too seriously!

AHHHHHH NOTES!

UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Utter Laziness
– Research, caffeine withdrawals
– Casey has nothing to talk about!!!!

WORD OF THE DAY:

– lalochezia-The use of foul or abusive language to relieve stress or ease pain

Riffle:

–  Dick Clark

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

MEDIA MONEYSHOT:
– “Ted” http://www.tedisreal.com/

Raffle:

– Civil Suits

WTF:

– Real Life Barbie
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/real-life-barbie-stirs-debate-over-cosmetic-surgery-155921833.html

MISSED CONNECTIONS:

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinking in public – m4w

---

Date: 2008-06-01, 4:46PM CDT

---

We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn’t even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it’s not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn’t have to go if I don’t want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you’re being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We’d have to go dutch since I’ll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don’t suspect you’ll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing “stella” with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It’d be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY

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Date: 2008-04-19, 2:10PM EDT

---

For the longest time, I have admired the dynamic between this cross species couple. But then, sometime during the 80s, a commercial for the Muppets: Live on Stage added a new dimension. In it, a stretch limousine was pulling up in front of a theater. A footman opened the door, and a shapely, rather thick leg stepped onto the red carpet. As the rest of the form followed, it was revealed that it belonged to a woman wearing a full bodied Miss Piggy costume under an alluring evening dress. AND I WANTED HER. And, to be quite honest, I’ve never stopped.

Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows � for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask.

I want to fuck a skanky Republican chick – m4w

---

Date: 2007-12-15, 9:31PM PST

---

I want to fuck a peroxide-blonde richbitch daddy’s girl. I want to fuck a hotter, younger, stupider (if possible) version of Ann Coulter. You preferably grew up on Mercer Island and had your 16th birthday shown on “My Super Sweet 16.” It’s okay if you’re only a republican because your parents are and you don’t even know how many houses Congress has. At the very least I want to fuck a girl who wears a cross and thinks the Iraq War is a great idea.

I’m am a skinny-jean wearing hipster who goes to Evergreen, supports Dennis Kucinich and only listens to mix tapes of obscure 70’s pop.
I am sick of cool, interesting girls who are more likely to make out with other girls than me.

I want the most bland, insipid cockgobbler on this side of the Cascades. I’ve always wanted to blow my load in your lip-glossed, bubble-gum chewing mouth, but class, social groups and a sense of morality have prevented me.

Your pictures get my smarmy pretension.

We met over a steaming pile of turds. . .

---

Date: 2007-07-27, 3:26PM EDT

---

Me- I was picking up my dog’s shit, following the law, minding my own business.

You- old woman who looked like a broomstick with a bad weave- who said to me mid-scoop “you shouldn’t let your dog do that (poop), he should do it over there (points to middle of street)”

I just wanted to say I should’ve gotten your phone number, but I was just too angry to ask. You see, I felt a real connection between us. The audacity of an old bag to yell at my (4 pound puppy nonetheless) dog for shitting, having the shit picked up and then properly thrown away, overwhelmed me with rage. And I like to surround myself with petty, trite people that fill me with rage. My shrink says it’s ‘constructive.’

So how about this, give me your number and the next time my dog needs to take a shit I’ll drop you a line, come over, and let him shit in your wrinkled crusty mouth.

then coffee?

Riff to the Raff:
– how to be a cat burglar

GET FRENCHED:
– Codeine first isolated in 1832 by Pierre Robiquet

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… people who take things way too seriously. Why don’t you go jump off a cliff you stupid cunts, and while you’re on your descent try and find your sense of humor on the way down. It would be nice to be able to tell a joke once in a while, but then you,  and your easily offended asshole come waltzing in… killing my buzz and cock blockin my jokes. It’s called Sarcasm, genius. Just like when your mother says that she loves you. She should have shaken you as an infant. So the next time start to furrow your brow while everyone else in the room is laughing, go out to a garbage dump and crush your “funny bones” in a trash compactor. In case you haven’t gotten it yet… The jokes on you! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

NOSTRA-DUMBASS PROPHECIES:
Jerry-
Casey-
Josh-

Plugs :

JERRY “Cunnalingus” JONES:

CASEY “Pineapple Dick” TIGUE:
@theunderscorewizfish

JOSH “Pasty Pants” MUSSER:

-Google +

-Facebook
-Twitter
-Email
-iTunes

-Website

-Donate
-Tell Your Friends! cause we’re a cult
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

#10: Vending Happiness

This week we return from Spring Break to some awesome Uncivilized Behavior, including new segments and special guest, Vendy, while we hunt for a new third host! In this episode, the word of the day is “Pandiculation”, we talk about weird music moods, a dead uncle, diet soda, venture capitalism, lickable wallpaper, screaming like a bitch, getting older and we insult fan girls!

NOTES!!!!
UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR

WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!:
– Dryer Repair!, going national?
– Birfday
– Abortion/Periods

JOSH SINGS?

WORD OF THE DAY:

– pandiculation- Stretching and yawning before going to bed or after waking up

Riffle:

– Weird Music Moods
– Fan Girl Story
– Death of a loved one

SPONSOR: Cocktails with Punch!

WOULD YOU RATHER!:

–
–
–
–
–

Raffle:

– Ditching diet soda
– Newgrounds, Venture Capitalism, indie VS Corporate
– Siren

WTF:

– Lickable Wallpaper http://www.geekologie.com/2012/04/spreading-disease-cookie-flavored-lickab.php

MISSED CONNECTIONS:
Seeking pious individuals for the coming rapture on May 22nd, 2011 – m4mw

Date: 2011-05-10, 7:43AM CDT

I am an atheist seeking friends who are pious and who will be wisked away for the rapture that kirk cameron says is coming may 22nd 2011. I will take care of your pets while you are gone. I am a very kind and loving person who loves animals. Also i get to keep all your stuff because you won’t need them as you will be in rapturous bliss basking in the love of the great creator. I, however, will need your stuff since I will be trapped here on earth with all the rest of the unclean, deniers, and cravens. I will probably try to barter all your worldly possessions for guns or food or maybe women. Unless you have a truck and a cowcatcher. I will keep those and make a killmobile which will greatly increase my chances for survival in a world with no rules and no god.

no weirdos please.

Time Travel

Date: 2010-09-24, 10:09AM MDT

I have a functioning time machine (i know it sounds unbelievable, but I assure you it works) that I need a 2nd person to operate with me.
I’m looking for someone who is adventurous and reliable. Preferable a male; or a female that can do heavy lifting.
I am leaving on September 30th, 2010, in the morning and plan to return October 2nd, 2010. I am going to June 1983 to handle some business.
If you are serious about time travel and are reliable, then please contact me. You do not have to pay anything, but you would have to provide someone to watch my cat for the time we are gone. The only qualifications needed are that you are reliable and that the circumferance of your head is no more than 64cm.

We will be leaving from Bozeman, MT. Let me know if you want to go with me.

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m

Date: 2012-04-09, 3:41PM CDT

Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.
You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.

Lost Shark

Date: 2012-03-13, 8:53PM PDT

Lost my shark today. Actually he escaped when I inadvertently gave him an opportunity. Had the back door open to cool the place off while he was hanging around. Made the mistake of opening the front door briefly and he shot out the back door. Tried to catch him while he swirled in a vortex above the deck, but the strong winds took through the trees and north. Last seen gaining altitude in a 20 knot breeze heading north of Ballard. Neighbors looked perplexed as he flew over their house. If you find him warm him up so he doesn’t sink. It was quite the sad sight to see him get smaller and smaller as he blew away to the north.

I am black lady in naperville need help from racist terrorists

Date: 2012-03-13, 4:17PM CDT

I am black lady in naperville, illinois 60540 being bullied and assaulted by racists terrorists. I am looking for a bodyguard help me to fight them.

— I have found out what is happening to me and somewhat why. It seems that someone reported me to authorities as a threat and they have been using big brother bully tactics to snoop, pry and spy on me. However, they came up with nothing and went away empty. However, they left me and my life in complete turmoil. Now, at this point I seeking litigation rather than a bodyguard. I lost my job and I even found evidence of a spycam in my apt. I could not find it physically but I did detect the bluetooth address; i have copy of printscreen, smart huh? and traced it to Samsung. Naperville knew about this and did not help me. in fact, I was left for dead because I had od’d on medicine and they knew it and did not give treatment. I wish someone with some power could help me … I am willing to go to a news media with story if they can figure out entire epsisode for me. They put out some comprising pictures of me to provoke me into doing something stupid so they could arrest me for something and save face. The day in question the fbi, tsa and a lot of ppl was there and I am only one lonely black lady living in an all white community. I lost my job at DirecTV and I need help!!!!!!! I have no one to turn too!!!

Does President Obama know that americans are being attacked by and destroyed by the government? How do I get my story to him? I do not have any help yet and I fear for my life from his cabinet of elected officials. How can I get the word to him? before it is too late?

PS: IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME YOU KNOW WHERE TO START!!! I LIVE IN NAPERVILLE, IL 60540 MY NAME IS ERICA — I AM HORRIFICALLY TERRIFIED FOR MY LIFE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY SCREWED UP.

Riff to the Raff:
– Bitch screams (babeh?)
– Getting younger?
– Getting Older?

GET FRENCHED:
– Neon lighting- Georges Claude 1910…

INSULT OF THE WEEK:

This one goes out to…… Fangirls

Fuck you and your incessant NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII sounds as you proclaim your love and/or obsession to your chosen object of affection. While you probable 13 year old girls stand right next to your TV and rub your nipples in your fantasy boyfriend’s mouth, I’m outside living in reality. Go to your room and rip down all of your vampire knight posters (DON’T STOP TO HUMP YOUR OTAKU PILLOW!) then change your hentai vagina juice stained panties that you’ve kept on for a week, then go get some real friends. If you don’t stop your bullshit, I will stick pocky into every orifice of your body until you bleed every ounce of your ramune tainted blood onto the floor. In short…. FUUUUUUCCCCCKK YOU!

PREDICTIONS BY PRICKS:
Jerry-
Josh-
Vendy- Raptor Jesus will thrust from the ground and eat the legs of Arnold Schwarna- however the hell you say that German name, fuck it.

Plugs :

JERRY “Surely diseased” JONES

VENDY “Might be a Nazi” MACHINE:

JOSH “Fire Crotch” MUSSER:

-Google +
-Facebook
-Twitter
-Fiverr
-Email
-iTunes
-Website
-Donate
-Tell Your Friends!
Outro:
Extrie Extrie!

Spring Break!

Hey you sons o’ bitches!

As you may have noticed, we haven’t put something new out for a few weeks. Just letting you know, we’re still here! We’re taking a spring break as some of us have vacations and such things going on. You can still feel free to contact us and check out our social pages to keep up to date. We check those everyday! We’ll let you know when we’re recording the next episode!

Peace Mofos!