This week as we hit our longest episode yet, Thoren has to sing for us for missing last week’s episode and therefore not saying the word of the day (according the the new rule we made up). This week’s word of the day is “carriwitchet”. We talk about dead celebs, crappy food, WYR’s, what to do with a million bucks, texting morons, sheeple, tough jobs, an ironic heart attack and we insult entitled assholes. We also say goodbye to Albus the parrot; may he conquer his enemies in the afterlife.
UNCIVILIZED BEHAVIOR
SO…..HOW WAS YOUR WEEK:
- Deceased, Monster trucks
- Long Weekend
- Fiverr (again)
Thoren swoons the crowd!!!!
WORD OF THE DAY:
Carriwitchet-A hoaxing or riddling question; conundrum.
THE OLD IN AND OUT:
- Whitney Houston… does anybody care? Also, what’s the deal with celebs dying and having all these issues?
-terrorist averted (thanks FBI)
-foods you hate and like
Sponsor: Cocktails with Punch!
GUESS WHAT….WOULD YOU RATHER!:
- 1: Sit at a very classy restaurant, order a meal you have to eat in its entirety. The waiter bringing out your meal has a very badly infected thumb nail which is causing him to sweat profusely. As he hands you your food, the pressure from the plate or bowl causes it to burst shades of yellow puss and blood onto your meal. You have to eat the entire meal while the waiter watches you approximately 10 inches from your face and he keeps making “mmmm” noises while you gorge yourself on his fluids.
Or:
Have an old wrinkly man with ear hair wearing an, “I love Matlock,” shirt, chew or rather gum up an entire jar of apple sauce little by little in his mouth, then kiss you, putting his mouth against yours and spitting the apple sauce into your mouth, which you will eat.
- Have your lower jaw cracked in half, then each piece is pulled to its prospective side causing your skin to rip with the force until the tendons and bone are separated from your skull
Or:
Have various pieces of surgical gauze left inside of your abdomen for approximately 2 months. During the process, your body will attempt to fight the foreign object, causing great infection and liquifying of your intestines.
- Suck on the gingivitis ridden toothless gums of a homeless man with an overactive saliva glands. You have to suck on both the top and bottoms of the bum’s splotchy blood red gums until he is done masturbating
Or:
Drink a jar of spit collected from the same bum and a collection of his homeless friends. Realize, most of the spit will be shades of brown, yellow and red, truth of the infections and diseases living within their mouths.
- Be strapped down, unable to move at all and you are forced to watch the most important person to you in your life, violently raped in front of you and nothing can every be done about it
Or:
Have the most important person in your life taken hostage, you have to take a sniping shot and there is only a 5% chance you will hit the guy. Likewise, you have a 95% chance it will hit the person you care about. The shot is 100% guaranteed to be lethal. (personal shooting skill is not a factor)
MORE RIFF RAFFING:
- What would you do for a million sea clams? Then what would you do with it?
- Texting and walking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXYY_ep5Nh0
http://www.geekologie.com/2012/02/lady-texting-while-walking-eats-it-durin.php
-Advertising terrorists
WTF:
- http://weirdthings.com/2012/02/wake-up-sheeple-half-man-half-sheep-hybrid-born-in-africa/
MISSED CONNECTIONS:
need someone to sit on lap
Date: 2009-09-22, 5:45AM EDT
I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you
to the beautiful lady who saw me pooping – m4w
Date: 2009-11-13, 10:38PM EST
Me: Taking a huge poop in the l5p pizza bathroom.
You: Drunk, beautiful, Discovered that I forgot to lock the door in my haste.
Look, I know it must have been awkward for you to see me in that state, and especially since it didnt seem to bother me that you walked in. We made eye contact for a brief moment, you have the most beautiful brown eyes (no pun intended). I said “hey beautiful lady” right as you slammed the door, and i meant it. Everyone poops, and now that you have seen me pooping, I feel like we have already moved our relationship to a higher level. If you read this, and feel the same way, respond… I hope the smell didnt offend you, I ate indian food for lunch..
BJ for Bus Pass?
Date: 2009-11-04, 10:03AM PST
First of all, when you asked me how i was doing and i said “alright” i was lying. in actuality i was trippin’ hard off a really strong pot cookie. how strong? let’s just say i’d been skipping the previous buses because i couldn’t figure out how to stand up without my eyes falling out of their sockets. add in the factor that my hearing isn’t so good from spending way too much money on concerts and i couldn’t really understand what you were mumbling when you whispered, “blow you for a bus pass?”
I feel bad now for making you repeat yourself like 3 times and still not understanding what the hell you were talking about – I mean, yeah, I understood you needed money for bus fare, but i couldn’t quite wrap my brain around the fact that you were offering fellatio in exchange. I mean, it’s only four fucking dollars – you could very easily scrounge that up by just asking for spare change. Or were you actually trying to hustle up a transfer too?
Either way, I said something like “sorry, can’t help you,” cuz’ i was having a hard enough time trying not to melt down every time the train whistle went off. it then dawned on me what you’d been getting at and i got so nervous and nauseous i had to go sit down. it was a weird combination of disgust, panic, and arousal – like, well, i’ve never been with a guy, and under choicer circumstances would probably prefer a regular out of the closet healthy moe in designer jeans, and maybe it’s the pot talking, but maybe i could be into this. like, where would we go? an alleyway or bathroom? i can’t imagine even keeping it up under such a scenario, and like, would you bring a rubber, and that wouldn’t even necessarily protect me from genital warts, herpes, or what-not. I mean, what’s the etiquette here?
either way, the prospect of bartering a bus pass for a BJ from a stranger in or around a public place was just the kind of random sleazy offer a guy spaced out on massive quantities of THC needs to round out his day. considering the spousal unit goes down on me maybe twice a year if i’m lucky, i probably should have said what the hell and saved you the trouble of approaching other men. that, or just given you the freakin’ money no strings attached. hope you found a ride.
Looking for an average guy for average sex
Date: 2009-10-29, 4:57PM EDT
Keep your supersized genitalia, washboard abs and hyperactive stamina away.
Don’t even send me a pic of your penis.
I’m a pretty enough woman, a little extra padding now bikini season is over. I’m not waxed like a barbie doll or some deep throating goddess so move on if that’s what you’re looking for.
Let’s just do it like an old married couple alright (however if you’re married or in a committed relationship of any sort, don’t bother me. If you’ve ever experimented with men, I’m also not interested). I lie there maybe watch the tube. You stick it in, suck my nipples and get your rocks off. Then we both fall asleep without talking and maybe do it again in the morning… maybe. Could be a regular thing.
If this interests you and you’re between the ages of 35-50, send me a message that doesn’t make you seem like some sex crazed horndog, mentally retarded, or both.
Shrunken Pet Head Amulet
Date: 2009-11-19, 11:41AM AKST
Have the love of your life by your heart forever. I will shrink your pets head to the size of an amulet. You can then wear it on a chain or leather strip and have them by your heart forever. I can give you more details if you would like, just ask. Freeze the head for later or I can do it with a freshly removed head. Final results vary depending on size of pet as well as hair length. ALL this for a small fee of $100 or trades considered.
RAFF RIFF:
-Tough Jobs
- People who gorge themselves… http://yhoo.it/x8Wxsh
- http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-68-words-you-cant-say-on-tv
- The French’s Contributions… still hate though
INSULT OF THE DAY:
This one goes out to…… Entitled assholes. (those who think everyone owes them something) You need to get the Fuck out of the world you think everyone owes you. Just because you have a job you think is special, or have a little extra cash, doesn’t make you better than anyone around you. You know how this crap starts is with the stupid kids these days. Their parents give them the world, tvs, game systems, “hey mom I need $50 bucks,” “Here ya go!” Fuck That! These little bastards have everything given to them and never work for a damn thing. Guess what I got for doing chores around the house and helped out my family and not being asked, I got to live in my house and eat food. These pricks grow up thinking the world is owed to them because they own their parents. Not one of em fears or respects authority because instead of smackin’ em upside their head, mommy and daddy give em new clothes that aren’t hand-me downs from older siblings. You think you are owed something because you are weak. You never did anything you are proud of or worked for, so you are never satisfied. You are the blithe of this world and only serve as fuel for the strong. As we wipe our hard working sweating brow I say to you, Fuck You!
PLUG IT BITCHES!:
JERRY “THE MOTHA FUCKIN” JONES:
THOREN:
JOSH:
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Outro: dedicated to Albus!
